Thursday, March 4, 2010

Prejudice Is Only Good If You're Jane Austen

I don’t often go off on political tangents on this blog. Except from the time Obama was awarded the peace prize, I’ve mostly stuck to making fun of myself or people who are unfortunate enough to know me. But green is the color of the month, and like everyone else, I think of Libya when I hear the word green. The color of Islam is green, for one. And the flag of Libya is nice and green – and not to be confused with just any green rectangle, it’s very distinct. You can tell the difference, right?

In honor of green being the color of the month, I’m going to tell you a little story, that might or might not take a political turn, about Libya and its fearless leader. But this story doesn’t start in Libya. It starts in the most peaceful country in the world, where it seems like the people are always busy carrying large amounts of cash to the national banks. It starts in Switzerland.

Way back in 2009, Switzerland did what any self-respecting, cheese-making, chocolate-eating country would do. They banned the building of minarets. As Switzerland is on the evolutionary level of Ancient Rome, they were able to do this by a simple referendum. In a country where referenda are held trice a week and twice on Sunday, people have a hard time working up the energy to care about unimportant stuff like whether or not everyone’s right to freedom of religion is respected.

Now, you can’t blame the Swiss government for not trying. They did recommend that the proposed amendment be rejected, probably because it was inconsistent with the basic principles of the constitution. And all that crap. But the right wing campaign to ban minarets was nevertheless successful and before the Swiss could say “Give me some Toblerone!” the building of minarets had been banned.

This, of course, was met with great joy and approval around the world. There’s nothing Europe needs more than a little white supremacy to get the juices flowing. And while we’re at it, why not add a swastika to the Swiss flag that’s supposed to represent neutrality, just to get the point across.

I can see why Muslims around the world are a little miffed at this development in Switzerland. And common sense would dictate that the only reasonable thing to do now is express the deep disappointment the Muslim community feels towards this unreasonable ban declare a holy war on Switzerland. Yes. That makes sense. Let’s fight ignorance with jihad. That will end well.

Only, the thing is, didn’t anyone tell them that Switzerland is one big freaking army? Don’t let the neutrality thing fool you. Switzerland has an active army of 134.886 people. And every single one of them has a personal rifle that they keep at home in case someone declares jihad on Switzerland. Yes, that’s the single reason. That, and major cheese catastrophes. They might not be completely up-to-date on their civil and political rights, but they sure know how to fight. Priorities, people.

Muammar Gaddafi, the leader of Libya (who coincidentally came to power by a very legal and constitutionally sane coup d’état and also ordered the expulsion of Italians in 1970 – a very agreeable person in general), appealed for jihad against Switzerland when he heard of the ridiculous ban on building minarets. He wanted Muslims to target Switzerland through airports and harbors, preventing Swiss planes from landing and Swiss ships from docking. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think Switzerland actually has a merchant navy. Or even a coast. Muammar Gaddafi was probably too busy writing his Green Book to study unimportant things like geography.

Anyway, he called Switzerland an infidel, obscene state which is destroying mosques and made it clear that Switzerland at the very least was an ideological enemy. That actually sounds a little like the lyrics to a Marilyn Manson song, don’t you think? Gaddafi made this speech on the Prophet Muhammad’s birthday, to make sure that as many Arabs as possible would take it seriously. I can only hope that right now, the harbors of Libya aren’t filled with Muslims trying to stop Swiss ships from docking. Because folks, they ain’t coming.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go build some minarets, tear them down and declare holy war on myself. There’s just too much crazy in the world. *


  1. In fifteenth century Europe, the colour green was considered the best choice for the bride's gown.

    Far less subject to stubborn stains too!

  2. And to think the ancient French and Italians fought wars over art...! A Swiss navy~LOL!

  3. your last setence sums it up well...happy tt!

  4. You're right. There is too much craziness in the world.

  5. This is a really good post. When one bit of wrongness is followed by another bit of gets confusing and demoralizing. But still, you tell it with a dry wit, which I always appreciate! Thanks for an interesting read.

  6. Kris - Maybe I should give that some consideration for when I get married... I really shouldn't expect to be able to eat or drink something at my own wedding without pouring half of it down my front.

    Subby - Art, religion, comic strips - if it exists, it's worth fighting over.

    Brian - Happy tt! It's my first time participating, but I see many more in my future.

    Willow - Amen to that.

    Leah - I'm glad you liked the post. People are sometimes so caught up in their own little world that it's hard to see the big picture. Luckily, I'm here to set them straight.

  7. Damn those Swiss and there little chalets! haha!

    Almost as bad as taking out a hit on Salman Rushdie.

  8. Otin - Oh yeah, the Satanic Verses went over great with Muslims. And it was totally worth cutting all diplomatic ties between Great Britain and Iran, over a book. Totally.

  9. Why would the Swiss be opposed to building minirets? Do all rets have to be regular sized in Switzerland? Are the Swiss also opposed to toy cars, dolls and action figures because they're not life sized? Aren't they the ones who sell those mini, bite-sized cheeses? Hypocrites! And why do Muslims care whether the Swiss ban minirets anyway? Are minirets the main export of Libya, Iraq and other Muslim countries? Because I thought it was oil, not minirets. Hell, I don't even know what a ret is, regular sized or minature. I wouldn't recognize one if it hit me in the face, which I hope it doesn't, especially if it's regular sized. I'm guessing anything the Muslims build -- mini or regular -- would hurt if it hit you in the face. I say we end all this arguing about minirets and focus on more important things, such as what we're going to do about the Baltic Sea freezing over every winter. That's a HUGE problem that stops transportation of products like Swiss cheese and Muslim rets, cancels concerts and forces people to do devilish things like laundry. Talk about evil! I say we declare a jihad on laundry, except for people who earn their livings doing laundry. They're saints who ought to be venerated in the rets, mini or regular sized, and I think everybody can agree on that.

  10. witty whilst also so to the point
    just so crazy.

  11. Mike - Your intelligence hurts my head. Here I thought it was minarets, but it was minirets all along. That makes much more sense. And I thought the main export of Libya, Iraq and other Muslim countries was short angry men with big beards, but oil makes so much more sense. I feel so stupid. But jihad on laundry sounds good. Or not. I don't know. My mom probably dropped a miniret on my head when I was little.

    lettuce - It's a crazy world with crazy people. Good thing there are a few of us left who are normal and sane. More or less.. ;)

  12. I'm declaring a Jihad on laundry! Down with the Great Satan and Oxford Shirts!

  13. P.S. -- Sorry your mom dropped a miniret on your head. At least it wasn't a mini-cooper, I guess.

  14. Mike - Yeah, thank God mom didn't carry Mini Coopers around when I was a kid.



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