The Big One Goes In The Back

Previously on Ziva’s Inferno:

Ziva found herself helplessly in love with the gorgeous Canadian blogger-come-leader-of-the-world, the one and only Nicky. Desperate for her affection, Ziva set out on a mission. A mission to woo Nicky. She managed to trick the beautiful Nicky to Skype with her, and after a rocky start, a little help from the awkward banana and a French-speaking child, Nicky and Ziva hit it off like no one ever thought a cheese-lover and an ex-assassin could. And then Ziva fell off the face of the earth, presumably lost in Tijuana.

In this week’s episode, Ziva magically resurfaces, broke and hung over, but seemingly no worse for wear, and she is on a mission. Again. This time, it is not to woo Nicky, (although Ziva would like to point out that she will win Nicky’s heart again, even if she has to eat cheese to do it,) but to tackle the greatest problem known to womenkind; men’s inability to do it right.

This is probably one of the most common conversations M and Ziva have:

Z: ”No, it doesn’t go there!”
M: “Where then?”
Z: “A little to the right. More. More. There!”
M: “What about this?”
Z: “No, that’s not right, put it in the back.”

We’re of course talking about the dishwasher. Men can’t seem to get it right. But, nice as Ziva is, she tries not to be a nagging bitch, so whenever M puts the dirty dishes into the dishwasher, she just secretly sneaks in after he’s left the kitchen and rearranges the dishes. Yes, she’s that pedantic.

And now that she wrote it down, she's realizing it's not even a very interesting topic to discuss. At all. Ziva is very sorry she wasted your time. It’s back to Tijuana for her.

Ziva would also like to apologize for talking about herself in the third-person singular throughout this thoroughly useless post. *

The Big One Goes In The Back

My Love for You is n - ε

M: You’re the cutest girlfriend ever.

Z: No I’m not.

M: Yes you are.

Z: But Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson are also somebody’s girlfriends, and they are definitely cuter than I am.

M: Hmm.

Z: I love you.

M: I love you more.

Z: I love you most.

M: No, I love you most.

Z: But I heart you.

M: Well I heart you too.

Z: I less than three you.

M: I less than three you more.

Z: I less than three you most.

M: But I less than three you even more.

Z: You can’t do that; I already said I love you most.

M: Well in that case I love you almost, but not quite as much as you do. I love you the same amount, minus epsilon*.

Z: So basically, if my love for you were n, your love for me would be n - ε.

M: Exactly!

Z: You’re so romantic.


*In mathematics (particularly calculus), an arbitrarily small positive quantity is commonly denoted ε. *

My Love for You is n - ε

I'm Guessing Twigs and Bark Won't Do

About a month ago M came home from a super secret meeting with his karate friends and announced that he’s promised to let a couple of karate masters from Europe stay with us during a karate camp thingy here in Turku this weekend. Obviously I had nothing cooler planned than playing hostess for a couple karate masters, so I was nothing but happy. Therefore, as of tomorrow a female karate master and a male karate master will be sleeping in our living room. I really hope they're not overly friendly with each other; if anyone is to be walking in on anyone else making out, it should be them walking in on M and I.

Apparently the guy is Austrian and called Gunther and the girl is Belgian and called Sarah. I have no clue if those are their real names or not. Back to Gunther. Holy shit, even without the umlaut that's a manly name. When M told me I immediately had a vision of Arnold Schwarzenegger doing katas in my living room dressed in nothing but the pants part of his Gi, with sweat beading on his bare tanned chest, moving with the liquid grace of a large feline. M, most likely noticing the look of pure unadulterated bliss on my face, of course had to burst my bubble.

M: He doesn’t look like Arnold at all. He has dark hair and wears funny t-shirts.

Z: Really? I thought it was illegal for Austrians to be un-Aryan. But he’s still built as a tank and speaks English with a German accent, right?

M: Uhh, no. He studied at Oxford and speaks English with an Oxford accent. And I wouldn’t say he’s built like the Terminator either. But he wears funny t-shirts.

Z: Is he at least the horribly unqualified Governor of an American state?

M: No. But don’t forget the funny t-shirts!

Z: *muttering* They're gonna have to be pretty damn funny if he doesn't even sound like the Terminator.

M: He has one that says "Slavery. Gets shit done." with a picture of the pyramids on it.

Z: Okay, he can stay.

So now that we've established that the karate masters are staying over the weekend, does anyone know what Austrian and Belgian people eat? I'm going to have to make them at least breakfast and lunch, and I have no clue where to start. Subjective opinions and wild guesses will do fine. *

I'm Guessing Twigs and Bark Won't Do

No Friendliness Allowed

Yesterday marked the official start of Turku’s year as European Capital of Culture. This means that for the entire year people from all over the world will flock to my city in search of some grade A Finnish culture. They will be expecting art, music, theatre, beauty and friendly locals. Allow me to roll around on the floor in a very undignified manner and laugh my ass off. I’ve filed this little conversation under “Shit M Says.” It’s an IM conversation between M and myself. M was on his way to San Francisco at the time and was at the airport in Helsinki, apparently spying on Americans.


M says (12:51):
Freaky americans. They’re here at the gate, talking to complete strangers… ;P

Ziva says (12:51):
Yeah, they do that.

M says (12:51):
Shouldn’t it be prohibited somehow?

Ziva says (12:52):
Like with a sign that says "no friendliness allowed?”

M says (12:52):
That might work. They should at least have some sort of control over it when people are flying to Finland.

M says (12:53):
They could be standing at check-in and ask all sorts of tricky questions and make sure that people know that it’s strictly forbidden to talk to strangers while you’re in Finland.

Ziva says (12:53):
Well we definitely need it. It’s not like we could let a bunch of people into Finland that actually have some social skills. Everything our society is built upon would be ruined.

M says (12:53):
Exactly.


That said, if you don’t mind unfriendly locals, 2011 is definitely the time to come visit me here in Turku. Yesterday’s opening ceremony was very artsy, and I’m sure we’ll be able to conjure up some perfectly decent culture for you if you come. Take my brother, for example, he’s 14 and for Christmas he got his first guitar. In three weeks, he’s not only managed to teach himself how to play the thing, now he’s also composing original songs.





How’s that for culture.

Still not convinced Turku is the place to be in 2011? No problem. Just wait until 2012 and attend my wedding instead, I hear it’s going to be quite the party. *

No Friendliness Allowed

Green Toilets and Japanese Perverts

Snow. It’s really coming down now. The first snow came down on Sunday while M and I were driving to Kirkkonummi to visit my grandfather who turned 90 years old. It came down, first as hail, then as big wet flakes that melted on the ground, and last as tiny little flakes that didn’t even melt when the sun came out yesterday. This means that the roads are nothing but ice, but at least there’s snow on the ground. And there will be more, because the first snow storm of the winter has just arrived. And I was really enjoying it, too, but then I had to drive my car to Zumba and decided I’m not going to like this winter any more than the rest of them. I need a snowmobile.

My grandfather, 90 years old but fit enough to fight off the Russians if need be. (Just ignore the wheelchair.)

Apart from visiting my very old grandfather, M and I also visited our good friends Dani and Jonas and their little boy Adam this past weekend. The food was great, the company awesome, and I got to be creative and play with Lego. I made all sorts of fantastic creations, and Adam really helped me find my inner artist by helping me with the finishing touch on every creation. Inspiringly enough, the finishing touch was a green plastic toilet every single time. I predict great things for Adam in his future.

First snowball of the winter. I hit a complete stranger right in the head with it, too.

Now, in keeping with my new series, “Shit M Says”, here’s a conversation M and I had while having dinner today. This is simply to show that it’s not just black people M has it in for. We were sitting at the dinner table, discussing camera noises, like any normal couple would, and we got a little sidetracked.

M: I know that Japan is very strict with that. If you take a picture the camera has to make a sound. It’s to keep Japanese perverts from reaching under girls’ skirts in the subway and taking pictures.

Z: I guess that Japan is the only place where the subway is so crowded someone can reach in under your skirt and you wouldn’t notice it.

M: Have you seen the pictures of those subway workers whose only job is to push people into the subway cars because they’re so crowded the door won’t close otherwise?

Z: How the hell do you survive with a baby there?

M: Don’t you know that in Japan babies are this small *shows with his hands* and can fit into your pocket for easy transport?

Z: I wonder how many baby girls are “accidentally” lost on the subway in Japan. “Oops, lost the baby, better make a new one. Let’s hope it’s a boy this time.”

M: I have no idea how they even have time to make babies. They work insane hours and have to fit all that perversity into their schedule as well. You know you can buy used panties in Japan, kinda like you can buy sodas from a vending machine here.

Z: You’re not serious. That’s just gross. Where do they get all the dirty panties?

M: I don’t know, college? And I once saw a geometric calculation from Japan about sitting opposite to a girl dressed in a skirt and how far from her you’d have to sit in order to see under her skirt, taking into account skirt length and eye height.

Z: The entire country of Japan should be put behind glass and the rest of the world could buy tickets and come watch the Japanese show from a safe distance. That’s entertainment right there. *

Green Toilets and Japanese Perverts