Sunday, March 7, 2010

It's Not Paranoia When They're Actually Out To Get You

I am delighted to declare tonight Game Night. We’re going to play two games. The first I like to call “Spot the car.” It’s very simple. Just take a look at the picture below (taken outside our apartment building today) and let me know where the car is. I’ll give you a hint. It’s not on the construction site in the background.

The second game it just as easy. First, take a look at the pictures below.

Photograph by Mathias Johnson.

Photograph by Jonas Westerlund.

It’s a bridge in my town and it’s in frequent use. By me, for example. This morning it started to sag a little. Like a woman’s bosom, the years took their toll and at the ripe age of 40, the bridge is now sagging like grandma Betsy’s ass. It’s now 3 feet lower at the middle than it was yesterday and experts say that it might crash down into the river at any moment. The game is called “When will the bridge drop?” Give it your best shot.

Now, I feel like I should tell you that I don’t like things that can go “boom”. I’m worried my car will catch on fire while I’m driving it. But I do drive it, because if I don’t the car won and I won’t have that. I’m not particularly fond of flying, either, but I’ll do it if that’s what it takes to get me to Rome. Or USA. Actually, as long as it takes me out of Finland, I’ll pretty much get on a plane and just pray that it’s a no-boom day. I also have a tendency to step on the gas whenever I get to a bridge while I’m driving. That way when the bridge breaks and crashes down into the water, I’ll have enough momentum to carry me across to the other side, unharmed.

Cars burning in the middle of the road while I’m driving past, or bridges collapsing into the river, do absolutely nothing to help my phobias. I considered taking the bus, but then I watched the news and a bus had lost both back wheels while on the highway, so that was out of the question too. Soon I’ll have to start walking to get to places. Yuck. *


  1. It looks really cold there. It's been nice here this week, 50s F.

    I'm giving this bridge exactly 4 weeks from today, athough, like boobs, bridges have a remarkable ability to hang on long past their useful life.

  2. Mike - It's actually pretty nice and warm here now, low 20's F. At least compared to last week when I lost my left arm to frostbite.

    Thank you for playing When Will The Bridge Drop. If the bridge goes down 4 weeks from now, I'll send you something nice from Finland. Like a sauna. Or a moose. Except not, because they're too big. Not to mention alive. If it goes down sooner you get nothing. Mostly because I can't afford to give out actual prizes.

  3. Oh, I'm not expecting a prize. Especially lutefisk.

  4. Mike - Oh, that's a good idea! And really yummy too. Although, with the amount of caustic soda in lutfisk, I can't be sure it won't be stopped at the border and classified as a biological weapon.



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