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Sunday, July 3, 2011

...or Richard Simmons eating a sausage.

Life has a way of surprising you when you least expect it, which isn’t much of a surprise really, since “when you least expect it” is the very definition of the word “surprise.” But life is very good at it, and that’s how I found out about my superpower while having a perfectly normal conversation with my sister. I don’t know what the proper protocol for finding out about your superpower is, but I’m sure having your sister inform you about it is way down the list of preferable ways, somewhere between accidentally turning your aunt into a toad and freezing an entire city with your icy stare.

I bet you’re wondering what this new superpower of mine is. I’m extremely happy to tell you that it’s no ordinary superpower like flying or shooting laser beams out of my eyes. It’s not even the boring art of mindreading or the ability to remember everyone’s birthday. No, it’s far better than that.

See, I was talking to my sister on the phone, and she mentioned that she ran in to my very first boyfriend. He was looking well, she said. And he had introduced her to his new boyfriend.

Yep, you heard me, I can turn men gay! How awesome is that?? Is your husband acting like a chauvinist pig? No problem. Send him to me. One kiss from me and he’ll be gayer than George Michael riding a rainbow.

Look out men of the world, here I come.

And so will you.

Right out of the closet.

This is what came up when I googled George Michael. Personally, I've always liked the noses-for-eyes look some gay men are sporting.
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Posted by Ziva

37 comments:

  1. MikewjJuly 3, 2011 at 12:33 PM

    Oh, right. Ziva. You didn't turn him gay. With your secret-agent hair, three arms and sexy green skin, you made him go against his true nature and reconsider heterosexuality. In fact, you are so hawt, so ultra feminine and lovable, that I myself am considering moving to Finland so that you can have my babies.

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  2. MadgeJuly 3, 2011 at 5:44 PM

    Wow!! That is great to know, should I ever need it Ziva!! You are incredible!

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  3. MadgeJuly 3, 2011 at 5:45 PM

    Maybe I'll move to Finland so she can have my babies too, then we'd be related by baby mamma!

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  4. NickyJuly 3, 2011 at 6:25 PM

    Lemmikki, I'm sure that after loving you, he could love no other woman and was thereby forced to turn to men (it was either that or goats, and everybody knows Finnish goats are bad-asses - yes, pun intended!).

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  5. nonamedufusJuly 3, 2011 at 10:48 PM

    Um, you don't mind if we just continue corresponding from a distance do you? And I may not be coming to Finland any time soon.

    Wow, you dated George Michael?

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  6. ZivaJuly 3, 2011 at 11:01 PM

    That's extremely nice of you, Mike. I'm very honored you'd actually consider letting me have your babies; your generosity knows no bounds.

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  7. ZivaJuly 3, 2011 at 11:04 PM

    I'm not so sure about the logistics of that one, Madge... But I guess it's worth a try?

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  8. ZivaJuly 3, 2011 at 11:07 PM

     Yes, I'm liking this take on it. And it makes a lot more sense, too, because Finnish goats really do have bad asses.

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  9. ZivaJuly 3, 2011 at 11:17 PM

     Yep, whenever you have a man problem,  just project a rainbow-shaped light onto the sky and Same Sex Superhero Ziva will come to the rescue to turn your man problem into a happy these-parts-don't-really-fit-together-but-turn-around-and-we'll-make-it-work-anyway fest.

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  10. ZivaJuly 3, 2011 at 11:20 PM

    That's perfectly okay, Mr. Dufus; if I were a guy I wouldn't want me near myself either.

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  11. MadgeJuly 4, 2011 at 2:29 AM

    Funny girl! Made me snort!

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  12. ReformingGeekJuly 5, 2011 at 3:31 AM

    That's amazing, Ziva. 

    You might want to check with your male friends and make sure you haven't accidentally affected them.

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  13. meleahrebeccahJuly 5, 2011 at 7:51 PM

    I would love to have the ability to turn men gay. Or the super power to be invisible. 

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  14. meleahrebeccahJuly 5, 2011 at 7:51 PM

    PS: that photo is scary!

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  15. jacquiJuly 6, 2011 at 4:23 AM

    I am quite impressed with this superpower, Ziva. And I am not one to be easily impressed by superpowers. I'll give some thought to which men I would like you to turn gay and get back to you.

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  16. ZivaJuly 6, 2011 at 3:35 PM

    Awesome, send them my way! I mentioned the fee, didn't I? Nothing major, I'll just be charging a small fee for every man I gayify. I'm sure you won't mind paying it, it's such a valuable service I offer after all.

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  17. ZivaJuly 6, 2011 at 3:37 PM

    Meleah, you couldn't turn a man gay even if you tried, you're just too pretty, I'm afraid. Which is probably what's keeping you from being invisible, too, cause I don't have a problem with it, no one ever notices me.

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  18. ZivaJuly 6, 2011 at 3:38 PM

    I know! It's giving me nightmares.

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  19. ZivaJuly 6, 2011 at 3:40 PM

    Ohh, this is why no men want to be friends with me; they can sense the gay descending on them and instinctively try to get away from me.

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  20. 00dozoJuly 6, 2011 at 7:03 PM

    I certainly hope M doesn't start to show signs of nose-eyes.  (Dang, that's a creepy picture.)

    ;-)

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  21. Linda MedranoJuly 6, 2011 at 8:41 PM

    Oh come on Ziva, you know the religious right has been after you to work for their "gay to straight" programs.  One look at you and the boys are no longer singing soprano.  Heck, after I looked at you I didn't sing soprano either!

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  22. meleahrebeccahJuly 6, 2011 at 11:30 PM

    Thank you for that lovely compliment, Ziva. xoxoxo

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  23. MikewjJuly 6, 2011 at 11:51 PM

    I'm certainly willing to try it, if the two of you are. It'd be very Euro of us. And old-school Mormon.

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  24. MikewjJuly 6, 2011 at 11:52 PM

    Ziva, it's not that men don't notice you, it's just that they don't want to be gayed up.

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  25. meleahrebeccahJuly 7, 2011 at 2:37 AM

    HA!

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  26. ZivaJuly 9, 2011 at 1:06 AM

    Linda, honey, I don't think you've ever sung soprano.

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  27. ZivaJuly 9, 2011 at 1:06 AM

    Oh lord, imagine waking up with THAT lying next to you in bed.

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  28. 00dozoJuly 9, 2011 at 1:12 AM

    And God forbid he snores, too!

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  29. Linda MedranoJuly 9, 2011 at 1:16 AM

    Actually, I did.  But that was before I met you.

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  30. Linda MedranoJuly 9, 2011 at 1:16 AM

    Been there.  Done that.

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  31. ZivaJuly 9, 2011 at 1:20 AM

     I think this might be a story I'd rather not hear.

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  32. ZivaJuly 9, 2011 at 1:22 AM

    I have a very efficient way of dealing with snoring men. I wake them up with an accidental, but suspiciously well-placed fist to the head.

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  33. ZivaJuly 9, 2011 at 1:25 AM

    Jeez, it's not like it's an airborn disease, it's only contagious if I actually kiss them. I think.

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  34. Linda MedranoJuly 9, 2011 at 1:26 AM

    You're safe babycakes.  I never sleep with and tell.

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  35. ZivaJuly 9, 2011 at 1:26 AM

    Sweetie, doing drugs is really bad for you.

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  36. MadgeJuly 9, 2011 at 2:46 AM

    Old school Mormon is awesome!

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  37. MadgeJuly 9, 2011 at 2:48 AM

    Oh, I didn't know, thanks

    ReplyDelete

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