Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Ziva Does Zumba

Yesterday I finally decided that I had watched my ass grow big enough and I needed to do something drastic about the state of my behind. Naturally, I first looked into liposuction, but it turns out it’s very expensive. And since I don’t have thousands of moneys just lying around in piles, liposuction clearly wasn’t the way to go. I then looked into those little fish that eat your flesh when you sit a bath tub full of them. Apparently they only eat dead skin and my ass is very much alive. In fact, I think it has a life of its own and is growing without my prior consent. Anyway, the little flesh-eating fish wasn’t a very good idea to begin with; I really don’t like sharing my bath tub with representatives of other species.

I looked into a few alternative ways of losing ass weight, but eating less just seemed boring, and the pills didn’t seem very reliable, and the whole octopus thing just looked scary, not to mention complicated. Eventually I just had to take the bull by the horns. I resigned myself to at least one hour a week of ruthless exercise. I chose Zumba as my means of torture, mostly because it starts with a z and matches my name. How cool is that? Plus? I sort of figured that dancing for an hour couldn’t possibly be that hard.

Of course I wanted to have someone with me, so I asked Zelma, but apparently exercise is “poisonous”, “bad for the soul” and “a ridiculous way for the upper class to get off their fat ass and look good while the rest of the world has to work for our money and don’t have time to exercise in any other way than to do manual labor, therefore making exercise evil incarnate”, whatever that means. In short, she wasn’t coming.

I arrived at the Zumba class sweaty and exhausted from pedalling my bike downhill, and looked around to see if anyone noticed I was dying of a heart attack before the class even started. And that’s when I saw Therese, a very dear childhood friend whom I haven’t talked to in years. It was great seeing a familiar face, and even more great when I realized we had much the same attitude towards exercise. Albeit, Therese could probably pedal her bike downhill without going into cardiac arrest.

Let’s Zumba! N.B. not Ziva in the picture.

Together we sought out a place in the very back of the class, made sure we knew where our exits were and hoped that 60 minutes would go by fast and that we’d be able to fit into a size much smaller pants by the end of class. A beautiful Latino girl walked into the room and we knew we were doomed. “Let’s start with a light warm-up” she said. 15 minutes later I was as close to death as I’ve ever been. Even counting that time when I accidentally drove right in front of a big rig and made it swerve to miss me.

If I had known that “light warm-up” is actually synonymous with “sweating your intestines out through your skin” I’m not sure I would have signed up for the class. But I did, and surprisingly I liked it. It was all “jump, hop, turn, step, jump, jump, turn again, turn the other way, no the other other you silly pig, jump, step, step, hop, turn” for 60 minutes. Therese and I were more often facing the wrong way than the right way and we probably looked like a couple of monkeys with a itchy rash, but at the end of the class we agreed to think about meeting again next week for the class.

I’ll definitely think about it.

And finally, a little bit of a heads up; this weekend M and I are going to an erotic exhibition. Lots of live porn, fancy toys and on-stage stripteases. Stay tuned for that little gem. *


  1. I've been kind of intrigued with this Zumba thing too. Since I'm Mexican, it would probably come natural to me. Look at Chikira! No, after looking at her, I don't see me doing this at all. Now out of curiosity, why don't you want a big butt? Men love big butts. And what do octopus have to do with big butts?

    I love live porn. Can't hardly find it here, but I wish we had it. I'd go.

  2. Linda: I think you would be fabulous at Zumba! Men love big butts but ever since I accidentally killed that goat using only my ass I've felt it might benefit from a little less hugeness. But my big butt and I are very much looking forward to that live porn.

  3. Darling Ziva, I thought you said you killed that girl when I first read this. I was slightly concerned but then re-read it and realized it was only a goat.

    When you come here, we'll find you a Zumba class and I'll go with you and watch.

    If you can take pictures of your exhibit, please do so. I love live porn even when it's just a photo.

  4. Hell, if it were possible, I'd take part of your ass as a donor recipient. I don't have one, in fact, I need to gain at least 5 kg to rebuild my muscles (and an ass).

    Well, hang in there. A better exercise (or, at least less stressful), is a brisk 10-20 minute walk every day. That, or a LOT of sex.

  5. Linda: I think taking pictures at the exhibit will get you thrown out of there, but I'll post a link to the official site with official photos when I write about it. And I promise to give you all the gory details.

    00dozo: I would LOVE to give you part of my ass. Hell, take 5 kg out of it. (It will probably be mostly fat, though, and not as much muscle.) M and I went for a walk today (it's less messy than "a LOT of sex"), and tomorrow I'm going to try to drag my ass to the gym. Wanna come with me?

  6. You are hilarious, as usual!

    Ah.....Zumba, the latest craze. I had to sub one of the local Zumba classes a few weeks ago. Some of the ladies and one guy could really swing it. I don't teach Zumba and had never been to a class so I just did Aerobics. They were sweating pretty good. erotic exhibition? I watched a TV special on one of those. Very, very, interesting.

    Have fun!

  7. Sorry, but I'm a little behind...with my comment (heh, heh). I'm not up on my exercise regimes but how do you lose weight with an octopus. Do you wrestle it or something?

  8. Here's my question - Did you ride your bike back up the hill? Ha!

  9. I never thought of Finland as a live porn kind of place. But I guess it makes sense being next to Sweden. I think Swedes have that reputation for weird Swedish porn or something. And Swedish massage. Is there Finnish massage? Is Finnish porn different from Swedish porn?

    Either way, take pics.

  10. What, no before and after pictures of your ass? I'm a lotta disappointed Z.

  11. Reffie: I’m afraid that if I went to your aerobics class I would fall all over myself and start crying on the floor after 15 minutes.

    nonamedufus: Hehe, funny guy. I sort of made up the octopus thing (don’t tell anyone), but I can only assume that wrestling an octopus would be a decent workout. I wouldn’t give an arm and a leg to experience it, though.

    karen: You’re kidding, right? I left the bike there and crawled back up the hill. In fact, my apartment building is at the very top of a nasty hill, so whenever I have to go somewhere I steal the closest bike and just leave it at the bottom of the hill.

    mike: Why does Sweden always get all the credit? Finland is a surprisingly liberal place when it comes to all things porn. But mostly we just watch Swedish porn, I don’t think Finnish would be very sexy spoken in a porn movie.

    Nicky: How about two after pictures of my ass?

  12. If that dude in the red pants is there when you're doing the Zumba, then I wouldn't want to be there even if the babes in yellow and orange pants are also there.

    But I wish you all the best with your ass-reduction plan.

    Have fun at the porno convention. Maybe you'll get offered a contract to star in "Lesbian Lard Asses #11." I thoroughly enjoyed episodes 1-10. Thoroughly. Fat-bottomed girls make the rockin' world go 'round.

  13. Oh Ziva! I tried Zumba once.

    They (those Zumba people) did a special sample class for the second grade kids in the school and the memory of my son's pure embarrassment at his mother joining in enthusiastically and then not being able to untwist herself while also taking advantage of scratching in places she hasn't been able to reach in years was...well I'm scarred for life.

    Same time next week?

  14. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

    If I had known that “light warm-up” is actually synonymous with “sweating your intestines out through your skin”

    I follow a rigorous 'channel-changing' regimen, which works the thumb muscles and increases my heart rate when escaping the snarl and stench of predatory commercials.

  15. MikeWJ: I didn't actually see a single guy at the Zumba class. About 50 sweaty, panting girls, but no guys.

    Mrsblogalot: Haha, that sounds awesome. Anything you could do while both embarrassing your son AND losing weight at the same time is great.

    Lauren: That sounds like my kind of exercise. I sure hope you're keeping hydrated and well fed so you don't faint with exhaustion.



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