Monday, September 13, 2010

Feeling Lonely? Don't Worry, Berta Is Here For You

After my little departure into politics and human rights the other day, I’m going to jump straight to the porn I promised you. Where should I start? Should I start with the stripteases? The crazy costumes? The nudity? The blow jobs? The S&M dungeon? The huge number of toys (some of which should not be used on unexplained calf pains)? The live shows? No, I think I’m going to start with Berta.

She’s a loooove ewe. She’s soft and cute and anatomically correct. If by anatomically correct you mean that she has a rear opening for a sound box that makes her go “baaaah” when you press up against her behind, and another rear opening that’s big enough to fit something more or less penis-shaped. Can I say penis on this blog? I’m not sure. I didn’t hear that annoying biiping sound they use on TV, so it’s probably okay. But if you’re below the legal limit of being allowed to handle a penis you probably shouldn’t read this. Or below the legal limit of letting others handle your penis, if you fall into that category. Anyway, Berta sort of followed me home. She now sleeps between M and I in bed, which is awesome because now I can divert M’s nightly advances and let Berta deal with him.*

For those of you who are now wondering why Ziva’s Inferno suddenly seems more like Ziva’s House of Love, I can explain it all. M and I attended Turkkusex (not safe for work, unless you work in a sex shop, in which case it’s perfect for work), an erotic exhibition that takes place in Turku every fall. We attended the exhibition last year as well, and decided that it was just the right thing to keep our delicate sensibilities from rusting completely.

We saw a number of more or less famous porn starts and performers, including Tera Patrick, Scandinavian Hunks and Bobbi Eden. A male group called the Candymen were hilarious and made me relieved I wasn’t the poor girl who had been dragged up on stage to "assist" them. I didn’t take any pictures because apparently that’s a big no-no when it comes to people performing sexual acts on stage. Imagine that. But if you click on the link up there you'll probably be able to navigate the site and find the official photos. While I was busy not taking pictures, M and I perused the wide selection of toys, blow-up dolls, leather and lace clothing and various torture devices. Speaking of which, in the Dungeon of Secrets you could get tied up and receive a good spanking for the ridiculously low price of 2 euros. What a bargain!

I didn’t get particularly dolled up for the exhibition, just a pair of stilettos, a dog collar and my trusty panda costume, but other people certainly got dressed up. We saw naughty nurses, firemen, police officers, librarians and women wearing only shoes. They were great shoes, though.

We had a great time, but I’m still happy it’s a once a year sort of thing and not more often. That panda costume is hot.


Now I'm off to hide the porn magazine we won under M's side of the bed for M's mom to find when she comes to visit us.

*N.B. this was a joke. M doesn’t do sheep. *


  1. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that I love this post. It's your blog, you can say penis all your want.

  2. Jenn: Hehe, I'm not surprised you loved it. That's a good point, by the way. It IS my blog. Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis. That was liberating.

  3. How about vagina, vagina, vagina - okay?
    I guess you know V-day...
    Thanks for this refreshing post!
    ps. rusty? what do you mean? :)

  4. I could not open the link so I'm a little sad. Still, it sounds like it was a fun night. I like that sheep and I'm going to order one for me and Alex to have a 3-some with. Okay, penis and vagina are perfectly good words so you them all you like because I can handle it. My sister had a neighbor who was a porn actor. He invited her to view some of his work but she told him no. (Provincial, I know.) How much was the sheep?

  5. BLOGitse: Now I'm gonna walk around all day tomorrow saying penis, vagina, penis, vagina, penis, vagina, penis, vagina, penis, vagina until people start looking at me like I'm crazy. And I just meant that M and I lead such sheltered lives that we need a little porn now and then so we won't become all prudish and boring. ;)

    Linda: My bad, I fixed the link now so if you want to go back and try again, you're very welcome. The sheep wasn't particularly expensive at all, we got her for a lower price when we bought something else. Want me to send her to you? I'm sure Alex would be very happy.

  6. Ziva, baby, I would have spanked you for free! After all, you know how much I love ewe!!

  7. Ziva, I still want to send you the leopard bustier and skirt. And I too would spank you for nothing since like Nicky, I love love love ewe too! Berta is my aunt's name, so I really can't defile her though.

  8. Oh, I love Ewe.



    Yeah, that felt good.

  9. What a marvellous way to pass an afternoon. I hope it comes out here one day. I've not got a panda costume, but I do have a mongoose outfit.

  10. nonamedufus: Hehe, good one.

    00dozo: Oh yes, she was PETA approved. We’re talking about the Personal Ewe Training Association, right? Berta’s all trained and ready for action.

    Nicky: I think I’m going to have to take you up on that offer. When will you be available for a good spanking? I know you’re on a very tight schedule.

    Linda: Perhaps we should trade Christmas gifts. A looove ewe for a bustier. ;)

    Reffie: We should all say penis at least once a day.

    Jon: You have a mongoose outfit? We could make some awesome porn together.

  11. There always seems to be a pregnant pause after someone says penis or vagina. Even Oprah can't say vagina. She says, "Oprah's Va-jay-jay." How weird is that? If parents didn't use words around their young children like wee-wee or pee-pee as a substitute for penis and vagina, their young children would grow up to be penis and vagina speaking adults.

  12. When you come to visit me, we'll have a perfect dinner party and you will wear your new bustier. If you bring the loooove ewe, we can even seat her at the dinner table.

  13. How do you store Berta? I mean, do you deflate her and tuck her under the bed? Or do you leave her inflated all the time so that her creepy smile can scare the shit out of you every so often when you forget she's there?

    It would be awesome to hide her in the fridge. Then when someone opens it, it'll be like HOLY SHIT....BERTA!

  14. Siitin! Emätin! Siitin in the Emätin!

    Hey, I'm a porno writer! Cool!

    I wish I could be there when M's mom comes over and finds the dirty magazine. (What's it about, anway? The idea of winning a free porno magazine is very interesting. How do they know if you'll like it? Porn is sort of specific for most people. Some people like a little spanking, some people like a lot of spanking, for instance. What if they gave you a magazine called Black, Bald and Beautiful. Maybe you'd like it, and maybe you wouldn't. How would they know? Maybe you'd prefer Lesbians 'n Leather, or Lesbians 'n Lace, or Lickin' Lesbians. You know, something with lesbians instead of bald, black women. Not that there's anything wrong with bald, black women. Especially if they're lesbians. Wow, this is the longest parenthetical paragraph I've ever written.)

    Anyway, as I was saying, I'd to be there when M's mom comes over.

    Oh, that sounds dirty. Well, whatever. You're the one that went to a porno convention, not me. And maybe M's mom IS a milf. Actually, I'm going to assume she's a milf because I'm going to assume that she's Swedish or Finnish and they're all milfs over there. The older ones, I mean. The younger ones are just hot, right?

  15. Lauren: It's weird, isn't it? What would be so terribly bad about a little kid actually knowing the correct word for sexual organs?

    Linda: Oh, Berta will be delighted about being included in the dinner! Especially when she won't actually have to be dinner.

    mike: Until today she's been inflated and sitting on the couch next to me, but today my mom came over so I hid her in M's closet. I bet he'll get a nice surprise tomorrow morning. He he...

    MikeWJ: Well let's hope you're a better porn writer than you are a blogger, because I hate to tell you this but your blog's been a little monotonous lately. I'm not going to address the milf question, because that one made me gag a little. But the insanely long parenthetical paragraph was interesting. I never actually thought about it before.. Had I thought about it sooner I would have demanded a different kind of dirty magazine.

  16. MikeWJ: About younger moms being hot over here? Yeah, I guess I didn't. Weird that.



This blog uses the Disqus comment system. If you see this message, please wait until you see the Disqus comment form or refresh your browser. Comments posted here will not show up on the blog.