Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Golf Is A Four-Letter Word

Today is the International Day of Peace, and I figured that as a human rights advocate I should say something profound and enlightened and decidedly beauty queen inspired about world peace and everyone living together in harmony. Alas, there is something much, much more important that requires my attention. You all know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Today is Miniature Golf Day! How awesome is that?

Miniature golf is just about the best sport in the world, right after cockroach racing. It’s like golf, but for people who are in a little better shape and don’t mind walking from green to green. It’s affordable, easy to learn and contrary to popular belief, doesn’t require your own set of balls.

One thing that bothers me a little, though, is the date. Who the hell had the bright idea to make September 21st Miniature Golf Day? I bet they had never actually played miniature golf, because usually it’s done outside. I don’t know what September is like where you live, but over here it’s 50 degrees outside and it’s been raining for a week. I wouldn’t mind playing miniature golf in this weather, but I’m pretty sure the ball might float away. And I think that’s cheating. Or just good luck.

I’m a great miniature golfer. I’m short; that’s got to count for something. And I once played miniature golf in America and won. But I learned that it’s not called miniature golf over there. They’ve given it the very manly name of Putt-Putt. I actually don’t think Americans take miniature golf very seriously at all. Just take a look at this American miniature golf course:

There are all sorts of castles and shrubs and water and stuff that’s fun and nice to look at, distracting you from the game at hand.

Meanwhile, the Swedes know exactly what miniature golf is all about:

No nonsense, serious business. I’m inclined to agree with the Swedes; a sport that’s important enough to warrant an entire day dedicated to it must be taken seriously.

Happy Miniature Golf Day!

Oh, and happy International Day of Peace too. *


  1. Ziva, Baby, it's called "Pee Wee" golf, not "Putt Put" golf in America. And September 21 is the perfect day for it here. It's what, 67 and partly cloudy? Oh, yeah, that's every day! Happy Golf and Peace Day, Sweetheart!

  2. How funny! Here in Texas, we call it Miniature Golf and we also call it Putt-Putt. Go figure.

    But whatever it's called, it sounds like a peaceful thing to do. Maybe not for the Swedes, though, as they don't appear to have a sense of humor.


  3. I don't understand the attraction of a bunch of midgets whackin' a little white ball through a windmill. What's up with that?

  4. Those golf courses look like they were designed by IKEA.

  5. Could mini-golf be a euphanism for world peace in some deeply obscure way? Certainly the full scale version seems to attract the kind of (mostly) male following who look like they would otherwise be out bayoneting babies or something.

  6. Actually, in America we generally call miniature golf "boring" or "old fashioned." Still, it makes for a low-stress and inexpensive first date when you're in high school, as well as a cheap family outing, and so it survives. I myself am quite good at it, and hereby notify you that I'm challenging you to a winner-takes-all match on the course of your choosing, although if you choose one of those Swedish pieces of crap I'll kill you.

  7. P.S. -- Happy International Day of Peace, although I'd contend they ought to call it the Mostly International Day of Peace, or something like that.

  8. Linda: Are you being serious? Pee Wee? You know that’s just two different words for urine, right? Americans can be so strange. But one of these days I’m moving in with you so I can live in your beautiful home and enjoy 67 degree weather every day and play Pee Wee golf.

    Reffie: I’m not sure the Swedes do anything peacefully. I hear 148 Swedes lose their lives tanning every year.

    nonamedufus: Dude, midgets are people too. Tiny, tiny people with funny proportions, but still people. It’s important that they have a ridiculous and condescending sport with a derogatory name of their own.

    Frank: Hehe.. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if you could actually buy your very own golf course at IKEA, conveniently packaged in 692 easy-to-assemble parts. Grass sold separately.

    Jon: I think mini-golf is not as much a euphemism for world peace (although it sounded very good the way you put it) as it is a euphemism for the little people’s struggle in a world full of oversized windmills and clowns, where they keep getting hit by big people and finally end up in a hole in the ground. Come to think of it, it was pretty straight forward and not very euphemismy at all.

    MikeWJ: I don’t believe you’re a very good miniature golfer, because you couldn’t possibly be as miniature as I am, and therefore I accept the challenge. How about the course in the picture, I do believe it’s in Myrtle Beach, SC. I will, of course, require a pre-paid plane ticket from here to there, and I’m assuming you’ll pay for my hotel stay as well, seeing as you were the one to throw down the gauntlet. Now, what do you propose this “all” is that we will be playing for?

  9. As soon as I can pull the scratch together, you're on, Half-Pint!

    And when I say "all," I mean everything. The winner literally gets everything, although I imagine that finding a place to put all of it might be challenging. I hear Greenland's pretty empty.

  10. MikeWJ: Sounds good, it's not like Greenland is used for anything important anyway. I don't want your kids, though. They eat all the cookies.

  11. We call it miniature golf here in Connecticut or least I do. It's also 80 plus degrees - too hot for golf.

    Also I'm not crazy about the word miniature and have listed other adjectives that I think should precede the word golf: Lilliputian, baby, diminutive, itsy-bitsy, itty-bitty, little, midget, mini, minikin, minuscule, minute, mite, model, petite, pint-sized, pocket, reduced, scaled-down, small, small-scale, teensy, teeny, toy, and wee - back to penises again.

  12. LOL!
    IKEA mini golf...Sure it looks like that...
    It's practical. Needs less space than American version! :)

  13. Lauren: I love the alternative names! Pocket golf sounds good, if a little complicated.. Lilliputian golf, diminutive golf, midget golf - all extremely imaginative and very acceptable names. I have a feeling miniature golf would definitely benefit from a name change.

    BLOGitse: Exactly! And who wants to have fun while they're doing it anyway?

  14. How was the wedding, Darling? Did you get in any pee wee golf?

  15. I completely missed international day of peace, but I'm pretty sure I was peaceful on that day, so it all worked out.

    Canadian Mini Putt looks like the Swedish variety. The focus is on skill and not the distracting pirates and clowns and stuff. Or maybe it is more like that now. I haven't been to the putting range in a while.

  16. Linda: Oddly enough, there was no pee wee golf at the wedding. But it was a beautiful wedding, if exhausting.

    mike: I love Canada; it's so Swedish, without being Swedish, if you know what I mean.

  17. Why don't they call miniature golf MOLF?

  18. nonamedufus: MOLF? That's a good idea. But it sounds vaguely familiar... I know I've heard something like that before, I just can't quite put my finger on it..

  19. Not MILF. MOLF. Midgets Only Ladies Forbidden

  20. nonamedufus: Ahhh.. Yes, that does make more sense.



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