Friday, September 3, 2010

I Don't Like The Name Earl, I'm Going To Call You Enoch Ezekiel Emmanuel Ed

Today I am happy to announce to you that Hurricane Earl missed Finland by several thousand miles! It was a close call, but with a bit of luck and many, many people using fans, blow dryers and their own lungs to blow the storm in the other direction, we made it.

Hurricane Earl. Finland is slightly east-northeast of here. 4500 miles, to be exact.

I lied. We didn’t have to do anything. See, we don’t get hurricanes over here. Sometimes we get a few bad thunderstorms, and sometimes it rains a lot, and sometimes a smallish tornado will throw a horse and dog across a field and it will make headlines all over the country, but no hurricanes. Not even small ones. And if one would get lost on its way to somewhere else, it would die before it reached Finland.

We simply don’t have what it takes to create a hurricane, or a tropical storm, as they are also called by people who know what they’re talking about. We don’t have enough tropics. We don’t have enough water. And even if we did, the water is not warm enough. And we definitely don’t have enough badly built houses below sea level behind questionable levees.

I can’t tell you I’m not happy about it. I don’t like windy weather. It makes it hard to pedal my bike up the hill to my apartment and my hair gets all messed up, and I just brushed it a week ago! I like my windows intact and my trees rooted to the ground. But maybe I would be better off we had Hurricane Season.

I’m a big wuss when it comes to all sorts of extreme weather. I already told you that we don’t have hurricanes, but we don’t have volcanoes, earthquakes or droughts either. Hell, we barely have sunshine! Sometimes we get a little flooding, but we’re no Pakistan. Or even the Czech Republic. We’re the Switzerland of weather, and it has made me a big chicken. I will never be able to move anywhere because holy fuck, what if there’s an earthquake? This has led me to realize that being born in Finland has severely limited my life. I’ll be stuck here forever, enjoying my safe and boring weather. So thanks Mom and Dad for keeping me sheltered from every single scary thing I could have possibly experienced. Really. Thanks a lot. *


  1. Okay Ziva, you wuss, that's it. Weren't there any nasty weather impacts from the big fjord recall this past summer? Sorry, what? Ford recall? Oh, never mind. Carry on.

  2. nonamedufus: The fjords don't bother us much, seeing as they actually live in Norway, but those Fords, man, they're everywhere! Thank god for the recall. No weather impacts, though. Not like with the big Toytoa recall, at least. It rained for a week.

  3. Ziva, we get earthquakes and I don't like them either. I've got to say that weather wise, we probably have about the best in the world since every day is 67 and partly cloudy except for 7 or 8 days a year. (Those 7 or 8 days when it turns hot is when I planned my vacation to come and see you in Finland.)

    Still, I don't read a lot about riots in Finland, or locusts either. Everybody seems to be pretty much the same, you know, beautiful, smart, healthy and happy. I think Iceland is different because a movie I watched of Iceland made me feel suicidal after 15 minutes.

  4. Everyone on the East Coast of the U.S. has been using fans and hairdryers all day to send that blow-hard Earl back into the Atlantic. I hate the name Earl, too. I guess they knew he was just going to be a category 1. The name Emmanuel is more fitting for a category 5.

  5. love your blog. i like the way you write. and,...i love all the seasons and the wind but we don't have droughts, tornadoes, earthquakes, floods, or bad stuff. Peace

  6. wow, what a blog you have!
    I read a couple of your posts. I really like your writing style and topics...
    En osaa kirjoittaa mitaan hauskaa tai viisasta kommenttia...Olen vaan iloisesti yllattynyt blogisi sisallosta - olen... sanaton.

    Olet kaksikielinen - niin miehenikin :)
    Mukavaa saada uusi blogi vierailtavaksi...kommentoijissa on muutamia tuttuja: Jayne, Brian...pieni maailma! :)
    Mukavaa viikonloppua!

  7. Don't you guys have winter from September to June? Snowstorms? Icestorms? Frozen Russians storms? Isn't living next to Russia bad enough? You really need extreme weather conditions too? How many questions can I ask? Will I never stop? Why is the sky blue? Oh wait, you live in Finland where it's not blue, it's grey, right? See how I turned that into a question? Aren't you impressed?

    This is why curiosity killed the cat, isn't it?

  8. Linda: 67 degrees and partly cloudy every single day doesn't seem very exciting either.. And Iceland is definitely out of the question, they're either frozen over or on fire, and the movies really do make you want to jump off the roof. Perhaps we should just all move to New Zealand. Beautiful weather, funny accents, what could go possibly wrong?

    Lauren: With a name like Earl he probably didn't even want to be remembered by future generations and so he toned it down a little.

    middle child: Thank you so much, it warms my heart to hear that you like my blog, and I didn't even have to bribe you to say it!

    BLOGitse: I'm really glad you stopped by. :)

    Todellakin pieni maailma! Kiitos kauniista sanoista, kivaa että tykkäsit. Kyllä minä uskon että osaat kirjoittaa sekä hauskasti että viisaasti, näytät kyllä omalla blogillasi että hallitset englannin kielen varsin hyvin. ;) Luin myös jonkun tekstin suomeksi minkä olit kirjoittanut, ja se oli erittäin kiinnostava ja todella hyvin kirjoitettu. Tulen varmasti uudestaan käymään. :)

    Nicky: Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I guess it would be if you were a coward. Yes. My guess is 79. Probably not. It's due to so called Rayleigh scattering. Depends on what day it is and if we decide to obey by the laws of physics or not. Yes. Suitably so.

    Most definitely.

  9. Random thoughts:

    * Earl is an English name meaning "Nobleman," which doesn't sound very threatening. I much prefer Enoch Ezekiel Emmanuel Ed, which sounds appropriately Biblical in scope, but also a little friendly on account of the last name.

    * I understand that Middle Child likes your blog, and I agree. But I can't help but wonder how Middle Finger feels.

    * Do you think Nicky needs to take a little less lithium?

    * I love the idea that people would use hairdryers to blow away a tropical storm. I wonder if this has been studied by NOAA as a possible alternative to running away?

    * I live in Colorado. Unless you live in the mountains, our worst weather is basically warm and sunny with the occassional hailstorm. I've heard that we had dust storms and floods back in the 1930s, but it's nice here almost all the time, assuming you like warm and sunny, of course. I actually long for some sort of natural disaster. I have been told that when the geothermal features in Yellowstone National Park north of us finally blow, we might be obliterated. I hope something like that happens soon, because I'm starting to get bored here.

  10. P.S. After reading your patient--and may I say, thorough--answers to Nicky's questions, it dawned on me that you would make a good mother. Especially since you'll only require your children to bathe and brush their hair once a week. Kids prefer it that way.

  11. MikeWJ, why would you say something like that? Do questions in general annoy you, or just mine? Do you really think I should cut back on the lithium? What would you recommend as an alternative? Why are you so bored all the time? How many kids do you think Ziva should have? Why do zebras have stripes? If you could have a superpower, what would it be? Are you still bored? Would you like me to stop now? How tall are you? What did you want to be when you were a kid?

    Are we having fun yet?

  12. MikeWJ: Nicky's lithium dose is something I've spent many hours pondering. On the one hand, lithium is never good for the soul, but on the other hand she's just such a sweetheart when she's all doped up.

    Colorado sounds boring too. But at least there's a minor possibility that you'll go out with a bang. We're just going to get snowed in real slow and the world will slowly get tired of headlines like "More Snow in Finland, Will it Ever End?" and no one will even notice when Finland, the greatest place to live in the entire world, becomes ground zero for the next ice age. I need new winter clothes.

  13. Didn't you hear the news? Huge pockets of natural gas have been found under Finland. That's right. Soon, you, too, will have unsightly gas wells spotting your local scenery. By the way, they will change things underneath the surface and you will start to get earthquakes.

    Happy now?

  14. Reffie: Yes, very happy! Although, I'm not quite sure I like the fact that we're suddenly that country with the gas problem..



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