Sunday, April 25, 2010

The One With The Farting Fish

Dear Santa,

I know it’s a little early to be writing you, it’s hardly even spring yet, but I really need to ask you for something. See, M is away this weekend, and I’ve spent the entire weekend in my pajamas, playing that online game. You know that one with a farting fish with glasses that flies through the air and leaves a trail of stink behind. It’s very addictive, you know. I figured I could do that, because I worked so hard for the exam I had on Friday. But then I had to take a break to watch American Idol (there’s a slight delay before it airs over here, but I’m pretty sure this one girl called Kelly Clarkson will win), and while I was watching TV, I realized I would have to do the dishes before M gets home. And there were a lot of dishes, because we hadn’t done the dishes since, well 2007, to be honest.

But Santa, then I completely forgot about the dishes, and just went to bed, and this morning when I woke up, I went back to playing that game, you know the one with the farting fish that flies through the air. I’m stuck on the last level, and I just can’t seem to win. The cats are throwing paper planes at me, and the hedgehogs are really spiky and even the fish on stilts are after me, not to mention the frogs and the ducks. It’s really hard and I’m starting to give up a little. And Santa, you won’t believe this, but while playing that game with the farting fish (I’m having a really hard time getting that 1-up on level 33), I forgot about the dishes, again!

Luckily, Santa, M sent me a text message (thanks for the phone, btw!) and said that he had left Kuusankoski and was coming home soon. That’s when I realized that I was still in my pajamas and that I still hadn’t done the dishes. Naturally, I panicked.

I immediately threw some clothes on, but of course I put the t-shirt on backwards and had to start over, and then I went to do the dishes. I cleared a small part of the sink and started with the glasses, then did the plates while I let the forks and knives soak and finished with the pots and pans. Oh Santa, you can imagine how relieved I was when I was finally done. It took forever and by then my hands were like prunes. Inedible and pasty white prunes. But at least I was happy. But then I turned around and realized I had forgotten all about the popcorn bowl from Friday night! It was on the kitchen table because it couldn’t fit on the kitchen counter at the time, what with the mountain of dirty dishes and all.

So I had to wash the bowl. But then I went to the living room and remember the apple I ate last night? I knew you would, Santa. Well of course the plate and the peeler were still on the coffee table! So then I had to wash those. But then I remembered that M usually likes to leave his soda glass on the table next to his computer, and you know what? There was a dirty glass right there next to the computer and I had to wash that as well.

Santa, I know it’s a little early to be writing you, since it’s not even spring yet, but I have been a really good girl, unless you count all the times I weren’t, and I could really use a dishwasher.

Kindest regards,

P.S. If Christmas could come early this year, it would be great.
P.P.S. Also, I appreciate the phone and all, but it sucks, so a new one would be fabulous.
P.P.P.S. Also, we really want to travel this summer, and that volcano on Iceland is really screwing with that, so if you could just turn it off, that would be awesome. *


  1. I wonder how common this behavior is? I always thought it was peculiar to me. When my wife's not home, which is rare, several things happen:
    One, I don't sleep. Now, I don't sleep much anyway, not most nights. But I pretty much stop sleeping altogther when Kerry's gone. I pretty much can't sleep, in fact, because a certain restlessness kicks in. That's when the video games start calling my name: "Mike, there's Nazi's to kill. Come kill them now and feel rewarded by advancing to Level 33." Eventually, usually late into that first night, when my back's killing me on account of the video games, I also go nuts on the kitchen, cleaning every dirty dish and every surface, some of them twice. It fairly sparkles by the time she gets home. I never, however, write letters to Santa. You've done a nice job it, though, and I hope he answers your wish this year, assuming he's not on vacation in the south of France. He can fly, you know, even in an ash cloud, thanks to Rudolph's nose so bright. It'd be great to be Santa, don't you think? Think of the cookies.....

  2. Hey, Ziva, I just got this special delivery letter from Santa that I think was meant for you:

    "Dear Z. I left you a dishwasher. It was under that load of dishes you had in the kitchen, but when you didn't use it for so long I figured you didn't want it, so I took it back. How about a nice scrubby pad instead?"

  3. Alex just left for the week. Hah! No getting dressed for a whole week! Hooray! I need to unload the dishwasher. Believe it or not, Ziva, that's going to wait till 15 minutes before he walks back in the house! I was not cut out for tasks and chores but for riches and fame. Too bad, huh?

  4. Farting fish?? I apparently have been missing out on all of the fun.

    Going to google it now.

  5. Mike - I don't sleep either when M's gone. Usually I'm the one telling him to come to bed, but when he's gone, I'm up all night, making the fish fart. Killing Nazis sound like a more noble way to spend your night than trying to get the fish to fart with the right amount of force. But you're more than welcome to come over, because M left for Sweden again, and my kitchen could really use a good cleaning.

    Frank - Dammit! I knew there was something under all those dirty dishes. I just figured it was a dead body or something.

    Linda - I'm with you, I really should have been born rich and famous and never have to do anything. And preferably be naturally beautiful as well. Although, now that I know you like the third arm and greenish skin, I feel better.

    Candice - Nooooooo! You'll never be able to stop! Don't say I didn't warn you.

  6. I can't sleep when my man's away either, but I do get more housework done when he's not here. I think I need to try that farting fish game when he will help me feel like he's still around.

    And keep writing to Santa. He eventually listens. I've been writing to him for years asking to meet a fabulous green Finnish girl with 3 arms so I can have funny, interesting and often suggestive conversations with her.

  7. I'll clean the kitchen while M's away, but I'm going to need lots of cookies and movies. I like movies a lot, and that's the other thing I do when Kerry's gone. I watch all the movies she won't usually watch--the ones in which all the Nazis get killed. And Russians. And bad CIA agents. I'm sure you know the type, what with being ex-Mossad and all.

    I'm going to have to look for this farting fish game, too. It doesn't sound familiar, but then farting fish don't necessarily always catch my attention right away.

    I think you and Nicky might want to get a room, by the way. Do they say "get a room" in Finland? Or is it just "take a sauna?" I actually don't know, even though I know a surprising amount about Finland because of my time spent there working undercover. As an agent. Not "taking a sauna."

  8. Nicky - If you feel like doing more housework, I would totally cook you dinner if you came over. And the farting fish that sounds like your man can be found here. Charming, isn't it? I really hope Santa will let me have that dishwasher, cause as soon as I get it, I'll start wishing for a trip to Canada.

    MikeWJ - Cookies and movies with dead Nazis coming right up! We don't say "get a room" over here. Mostly because we don't actually speak English, but if we did, I'm sure we'd say it. You don't really want to be doing stuff like that in the sauna, you're likely to pass out. Not that I'd know anything about that.



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