Saturday, April 3, 2010

Dammit, I Lost Count Again

Today I’m blogging live from Kristinestad. Wikipedia has this to say about this quaint, little town: “Kristinestad is known for its old town with low wooden houses and narrow alleys. It's also plagued by poor management, resulting in constant cutbacks to schools and other services. The locals are starting to have had enough.” Wikipedia is clearly the place to go for honesty.

The locals are starting to have had enough.

100 kilometers from the nearest city, life is simple here. A little too simple. M’s parents are sweet and friendly, and are slowly trying to feed me to death. I think it’s a sign of affection. I can hear them reading the paper downstairs. When they’re done, they’ll start over, because that’s what you do around here.

Since I have nothing interesting to tell you about my Easter so far, I’m going to tell you about India instead. (Smooth change of subject, wasn’t it? I know, I’m a literary genius, you don’t have to tell me.)

India, also known as Customer Service, is counting its inhabitants. They are going to identify, count, enumerate, photograph, fingerprint and eventually issue an identity card for 1.2 billion people. I’m not sure why they’re bothering with the photograph, though. They could just take a picture of any Indian, use it for everyone and no one would know the difference.

I know what you’re thinking – how could they possibly take the picture and fingerprint of 1.2 billion Indians and be done before the Apocalypse, right? The thing is, they’re not sending out one or two census-takers. This is India we’re talking about. 2.5 million census-takers have been sent out in what can only be described as insanity the world’s largest administrative exercise.

To put things into perspective; Finland, where I live, has a population of 5 million. The United States Army is made up of about 1 million men and women. The census-takers could not only take census; they could take the US Army and then come back for Finland.

What this means, is that not only are there a billion of them, they’re organized as well! Tell me that doesn’t scare you? I always thought Russia was the great threat, but holy hell, if India made up their mind about wanting something… It could get ugly. Imagine, if you will, World War III, but instead of nuclear bombs and burning cities, we’d have millions upon millions of Indians, running around, taking our picture and issuing us an identity number. Come to think of it, so did the Germans back in the 40’s. That one was branded onto the skin, though. Anyway, peace negotiations would just be ridiculous with that Indian accent.

I believe India will be the next superpower, covering three continents and the lower right quadrant of the moon. Just imagine what that would mean. Everything you own would say “Made in India.”

No, wait…

It’s already happened! *


  1. Hi Ziva,
    I wanted to stop by and say hello. Thank you for commenting at my blog. Great post. Loved the line: I can hear them reading the paper downstairs. When they’re done, they’ll start over, because that’s what you do around here. And also the one about India:
    India, also known as Customer Service . . . LOL!

  2. I recently received a call at 4:30 am....(gasp) who died? Nope, not that call, thank goodness. It was a call from a call center inquiring about a recent purchase I had made. My response...*click*. Damn, if they didn't call back...*click* again. Then, I shut my phone off. *zzzzzzz*

  3. Hi Lauren - thanks for stopping by, it's great to have you here! Actually, those were my two favorite lines to write. ;)

    Me-Me King - We should really start hunting those Indians down for disturbing your beauty sleep like that.

  4. What Lauren said. Lines like that are why I started reading this most-excellent blog in the first place, and why I keep coming back. That, and the lively discussions about pea soup and Kristinestad's neglected school system.

    As for me, I'm placing my bets on China for taking over the world. The Indians strike me as a fundamentally relaxed people. The Chinese strike me as a very industrious, let's be number one sort of people. Like America, but extremely hard working and with a large, increasingly well-armed military and a giant wall around large parts of their country. I say you can't trust any country that builds a wall large enough to see from outer space around their country.

    I do like Curry and Chicken Chow Mein, though. So, I don't think it will be all bad if the Chinese or the Indians take over. I guess it just goes to prove that there are always tradeoffs in life.

  5. "starting to have had enough" - Gee, what creative writing Mr. Wiki!

    Very funny post as usual.

    India does scare me sometimes.

    I love Me-Me's story!

  6. Excellent post! I am with you 100%! Instead of sending out census takers, why doesn't their government just ask anyone interested in opening up a 7-Eleven franchise in America to register with them. That would save them a lot of time and money. I'm loving your blog - great stuff!

  7. Mike - China would definitely be my second guess. You cannot trust a country that does not trust the internet. That's just the way it is. Also, I'm pretty sure they're hiding something behind that wall. We can only assume it's a big wooden horse that they'll be donating to the USA any day now.

    ReformingGeek - India scares me most of the time. Especially now that Me-Me told me they're disturbing people's sleep to make them all groggy and tired. That way India can attack and everyone will be busy taking a nap. Ingenious!

    Tgoette - That's the funniest thing ever! I think you just might have saved India a shitload of money with that idea. On the other hand, it's not like the census-takers are actually getting paid...


    thank you for visiting my blog,
    some awards for you to pick up,
    Happy Sunday!

  9. Ji - Awesome, I love awards!



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