Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Green Toilets and Japanese Perverts

Snow. It’s really coming down now. The first snow came down on Sunday while M and I were driving to Kirkkonummi to visit my grandfather who turned 90 years old. It came down, first as hail, then as big wet flakes that melted on the ground, and last as tiny little flakes that didn’t even melt when the sun came out yesterday. This means that the roads are nothing but ice, but at least there’s snow on the ground. And there will be more, because the first snow storm of the winter has just arrived. And I was really enjoying it, too, but then I had to drive my car to Zumba and decided I’m not going to like this winter any more than the rest of them. I need a snowmobile.

My grandfather, 90 years old but fit enough to fight off the Russians if need be. (Just ignore the wheelchair.)

Apart from visiting my very old grandfather, M and I also visited our good friends Dani and Jonas and their little boy Adam this past weekend. The food was great, the company awesome, and I got to be creative and play with Lego. I made all sorts of fantastic creations, and Adam really helped me find my inner artist by helping me with the finishing touch on every creation. Inspiringly enough, the finishing touch was a green plastic toilet every single time. I predict great things for Adam in his future.

First snowball of the winter. I hit a complete stranger right in the head with it, too.

Now, in keeping with my new series, “Shit M Says”, here’s a conversation M and I had while having dinner today. This is simply to show that it’s not just black people M has it in for. We were sitting at the dinner table, discussing camera noises, like any normal couple would, and we got a little sidetracked.

M: I know that Japan is very strict with that. If you take a picture the camera has to make a sound. It’s to keep Japanese perverts from reaching under girls’ skirts in the subway and taking pictures.

Z: I guess that Japan is the only place where the subway is so crowded someone can reach in under your skirt and you wouldn’t notice it.

M: Have you seen the pictures of those subway workers whose only job is to push people into the subway cars because they’re so crowded the door won’t close otherwise?

Z: How the hell do you survive with a baby there?

M: Don’t you know that in Japan babies are this small *shows with his hands* and can fit into your pocket for easy transport?

Z: I wonder how many baby girls are “accidentally” lost on the subway in Japan. “Oops, lost the baby, better make a new one. Let’s hope it’s a boy this time.”

M: I have no idea how they even have time to make babies. They work insane hours and have to fit all that perversity into their schedule as well. You know you can buy used panties in Japan, kinda like you can buy sodas from a vending machine here.

Z: You’re not serious. That’s just gross. Where do they get all the dirty panties?

M: I don’t know, college? And I once saw a geometric calculation from Japan about sitting opposite to a girl dressed in a skirt and how far from her you’d have to sit in order to see under her skirt, taking into account skirt length and eye height.

Z: The entire country of Japan should be put behind glass and the rest of the world could buy tickets and come watch the Japanese show from a safe distance. That’s entertainment right there. *


  1. I'm quite curious about Japan, though neither curious enough, nor rich enough, to attempt a visit.

    But the thing about the panties is true.

    A close chum of mine - a man I trust - lived there for a little while and confirms that they are sold from vending machines in little tubes sealed with ring-pull lids for, well, whatever the opposite of freshness is.

    I'm as broadminded as any Englishman can be, but even I think this is a little odd.

  2. Jon: They would come in sealed tubes, wouldn't they? Everything for maximum grossness. Japan scares me.

  3. I've heard you can buy used panties in Vegas.

    Japan is insane.

    Sorry about the snow. It's too soon but that stranger should be honored to have been hit by you!

    90? Wow. Go Grandpa!

  4. You have to ask yourself where the hell they get so many "dirty" panties in the first place. Erm, well maybe you don't.

  5. I think M is on to to something. I'm fairly certain 'College' IS where you'd find a plethora of dirty/used panties.

    Japan scares the crap out of me. I have seen images of their subways and it's horrifying.

    PS; I hate snow. I am dreading the winter!

  6. Reffie: You're kidding me, Vegas is a real place??

    noname: M says they get the panties from college girls. I say they probably get them from nursing homes and hospitals.. Nothing surprises me when it comes to Japan.

    meleah: I've really wanted to go to Japan, but now that I know what goes on over there, I'm not so sure....

  7. My daughter and her husband love Japan. It's very unusual. Japanese businessmen take vacations to places like Bangkok for "sex tours". They are very horny men. What's wrong with selling your dirty panties? I think it's a great idea to supplement your income. I mean, isn't that a victimless crime? And maybe men can sell their skivvies with tracks! Free enterprise, Ziva! Plus, I bet you could make enough money from selling the used ones that you could afford new ones all the time! Great idea!

  8. By the way, Grandpa looks AWESOME for 90! He'd look good for 70! Good genes in your family, Ziva!

  9. Happy Birthday Grandpa! And many more!

    I love the first snow of winter! It makes you feel so cozy! And you can smell it! Okay, I'm weird, but then I am Canadian!

    Japanese cunny in a can?? Eeewwww. (But I, too, have heard of this.)

  10. First black people, now the Japanese. I can't wait for M to get around to bashing Canadians! C'mon M, bring it!!

    Ok, green plastic toilet? Is Tidy Bowl a toymaker in Finland?

  11. M is right. Used panties sell for about $100 in Japan, which is infamous for its "buru-sera" industry catering to the large number of men there who are fascinated--some might argue unreasonably--with schoolgirls and their skirts and their underwear and the naughty bits that underwear simultaneously hides and highlights. It's a fetish, and like so many other fetishes (spanking leaps to mind) it's extremely difficult to understand unless you happen to enjoy it. That the panties are sold from vending machines isn't unusual at all: Japan sells lots of stuff from vending machines, including meals, adult magazines, cameras and pantyhose, all of which, taken together, remind me of a rather odd and faintly pleasurable dream I had a few nights ago.

    Anyway, enough of the Japanese and their puzzling culture, which seems both stifled and out of control all at once to the typical Western thinker.

    Snow. We're supposed to get our first snow of the season in Colorado tomorrow (Thursday). I can't wait. I have the day off from work, and I plan to sit around all day in my new panti....uhmm, bathrobe.

  12. Linda: I'm not sure I'd be okay with selling my used panties. I wouldn't mind being able to buy new ones all the time, but the image of a tiny Japanese man sniffing my panties would haunt me forever.

    Granpa really does look awesome, doesn't he? And my dad looks just like him. Except 39 years younger with more pepper than salt in his hair. And I look just like dad. Except 26 years younger and more female than male. So here's to hoping that I will look that awesome when I'm 90 and my only medical problem will be an amputated leg.

    00dozo: I can smell the snow too! I guess you don't get a lot of snow where you're at, but I'll think of you when I throw snowballs at complete strangers.

    Nicky: I told M you wanted him to make fun of Canadians but he just said "They call themselves Canadians? I thought they were all Americans?"

    MikeWJ: You seem to know an awful lot about Japanese perverts.. And now that I come to think of it, your skeleton could very well be a very skinny Japanese person... But what's so difficult to understand about spanking?

    Enjoy your day off, the snow and the panti...uhmm, bathrobe.

  13. Oh Ziva, come on. The "worn" or "used" panties can be so easily faked! I've got a good 25 old pairs that could be taken off my hands (so to speak) and doctored up. For $100 a pair! Dang, that buys me a lot of new skivvies!

  14. I warned you about the snow because snow and ice are real tight. Snow likes to hide ice for practical jokes when she's all out of banana peels.

    I'll have to rethink my travel plans to Japan in this lifetime.

  15. Linda: Uhmm, you know that I adore you, but why are you an expert on faking used panties?

    Lauren: Snow and ice might be good, but rain came and pulled a real good prank on snow and ice. And now snow and ice are gone.

  16. Linda's an expert on faking used panties for the same reason that I'm an expert on Japanese perversions.



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