Thursday, July 1, 2010

You Only Live Once (Unless you have all the spare parts you need for a new body.)

From August this year, every Finnish citizen will automatically be an organ donor when they die. Unless you have crappy organs of course, in which case you will be buried with all your crappy organs the old fashioned way. This is great progress from an opt-in kind of policy to a policy where you have to opt-out if you don’t want to give your heart to the needy. Countless lives will be saved just by this one law, but while it is all very good, I can’t help but see the downside.

The thing is, I think there will suddenly be so many organs available that people will start getting picky with what they accept. Kind of like how you’ll soon be able to pick what your kid is going to look like. You know, when the father in the house says, “I’ll take the brunet gene, the tall and handsome gene and the hung-like-a-horse gene for our boy, thank you very much.” In which case the mother in the house will have to get her say in, “We also want the sensitive gene, the Robert Pattinson gene and the momma’s boy gene” and then the father will be all, “No, no momma’s boy gene, we want the lumberjack gene instead” and the mother will be all, “My son is not growing up to be a lumberjack!” and the father will be all, “Fine! You can have your son with someone else!” and the mother will be all, “Can we have a refund?”

Nowadays when you need a lung or a kidney you have to wait in line, be patient and take what’s offered, just like with kids. We all know the neighbor got the good kid, and probably the good liver too, but that’s just the way it goes. But given the opportunity I bet people will start getting very picky. “I’d like the lung of a nice-looking, clean 24-year old. Preferably one that died peacefully in his sleep.” When you suddenly find yourself in dire need of a new appendix the doctor will probably pick out a few for you to look at and you can choose the one most to your liking, “I’ll take the pink one with the gooey stuff on the end.”

"I'd like one that's not as prone to bleeding, preferably with a picture of Elvis on a unicorn jumping over a rainbow, please."

It almost makes me want to shop for a new kidney just for the sake of it. Luckily M’s eye is all red and infected, I’m sure we’ll be shopping for a new eye any day now. I can’t wait! In fact, I could shop for a new liver while we’re at it, you can never have too many spare parts. *


  1. I'd watch your back. If your neighbor needs a kidney and you're outside with a sharp gardening tool, you may be an accidental doner.

  2. I really think the spare parts business may be the wave of the future. Here in the States, we have something called a "Pick and Pull", (I always confuse that with a "Pick and Poke" but that's me.) It's for cars of course, but it could be for anything. We went to the Pick and Poke once but Alex could not find a piece he wanted.

  3. Well, I know one thing: They won't be taking YOUR liver!

    Hahaha! I really cracked myself up with that one! Hahaha! Boy, my stomach hurts from all that laughing! But I can't stop! Hahaha! Hahaha! Hahaha!

    One thing I don't understand: Why would Finnish women want their sons to be like Robert Pattinson? Do Finnish moms want their sons to be gay?

  4. I'd like to apologize for my previous comment. I now realize that you were trying to engage your readers in a serious discussion about balancing individual rights to control their body parts after death against society's need to be able to effectively harvest organs in order to save lives. It's a classic conundrum, one that pits the individual against the collective, and I reduced it to a small-minded joke about your excessive drinking.

    But here's the thing: I don't actually give a fuck!

    Hahaha! I really cracked myself up with that one! That was one hell of a sarcastic shocker, weren't it?! Hahaha! Boy, my stomach hurts from all that laughing about your liver! But I can't stop! Hahaha! Hahaha! Hahaha!

  5. Hahaha! Hahaha! Hahaha! I'm still laughing at my joke! Hahaha! Hahaha! Hahaha!

  6. Elvis on a unicorn jumping over a rainbow! I love that image! So meaningful! How did you know?

    Hahaha! Hahaha! Hahaha! Hahaha!

    Okay, I'm starting to calm down now. I'm kind of laughed out a little bit. Now I'm just chuckling and shrugging my shoulders. Boy, that brought tears to my eyes.

    Reffie said boobs. That's funny, too. Boobs is one helluva funny word. Not as funny as a Pick & Poke, but still pretty damn funny.

    Oh, shit! I'm starting to laugh again! Hahaha! Hahaha! Hahaha! This hurts! I can't stop! Hahaha! Hahaha! Hahaha!

  7. Ok, future mothers out there - pay attention!


    Trust me on this one. You'll thank me for it. Also, the Sarcasm gene is there BY DEFAULT!! If you don't want your kids to be sarcastic (and you don't, again, take my word for this!) you need to mention that you would like to have it removed.

    Now, on another note, Lemmikki, I'm a little concerned about MikeWJ....

  8. I think I need new kidneys..two for the right side and one for the left.

    and I think I need a new liver also...I'm sort of yellowish..doesn't yellowish means liver failure. No not neon yellow..just yellow...-ish...

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  10. The downside to the lumberjack gene is that the kid will put on women's clothing and hang around in bars. This, of course, would be after he gets fired from a pet store in Canada for selling a dead parrot.

  11. @00dozo - and also, they'll have an affinity for cheese shops.

    Thanks to your Monty Python reference, I couldn't resist another one, which is of course THE best sketch ever, cause it's about cheese.

    Ok, let me comment about your post, Ziva. The way I see it, in a few years Finland will be renamed to Frankensteinland. I know, lots of countries have organ donors, but since Finland will have so many extra parts lying around, they'll start making really cool-looking humans. Maybe some will have the organs on the outside. That'd be neat.

  12. Oh, no. It's been days and days since Ziva's visited her blog. Do you think the filthy Fins prematurely harvested her organs--except the liver, of course?


    Remember how you said you'd never leave me for a day and a half again? It's been 5 days now.

    5 days.


  14. I’m back, I’m back! I’m sorry I left, but we saw the sun for the first time in this millennia and I simply had to be outside. I had no idea outside was so big!

    Lauren: I’ll probably be the one with the sharp gardening tool – I hear organs are worth a fortune. So… What’ll you have?

    ReformingGeek: I already took the good boobs, but I’m sure there’s a new nose for you somewhere around here.

    Linda: “Pick and Pull” sounds fun, it has a nice ring to it. And we could make it even more fun if it was BYOK – bring your own knife.

    MikeWJ: Are you off your meds again? You really need to start doing as the doctors tell you. Take your meds and do not leave the padded room unless your straitjacket is on nice and secure. And I’ll have you know that my liver is just fine. I’m supposed to be this yellow.

    Nicky: I’m so sorry I left you again! It was sunny and I haven’t seen the sun in 5 years, I just had to be outside. And then the sun blinded me and I couldn’t find my way home, and when I finally did find my way home, I was red as a lobster and acting almost as crazy as MikeWJ was.

    Although, I am very happy that you brought attention to the Sarcasm gene. That’s a sneaky one.

    Muschu: I hate to break it to you, but your days out in the sun turned your yellow into a healthy crisp charcoal. But you look very pretty. I’ll get you those kidneys now..

    00dozo: You have very strange lumberjacks over there...

    mike: “Frankensteinland”, I like it. And I especially like the whole carrying our organs outside our body thing. Like, we could have our urethra outside our body so we could pee wherever we wanted without sitting down!


    two awards on the bottom....
    Happy Tuesday!

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  17. Have you ever seen The Island? It's a movie about clones who are created to be used as harvest crops for their owners...totally creeped me out. That's what this post reminded me of. THANKS A LOT.

  18. Have you ever seen The Island? It's a movie about clones who are created to be used as harvest crops for their owners...totally creeped me out. That's what this post reminded me of. THANKS A LOT.

  19. Hi Lorena,

    Ziva died. Or decided people are tiresome. Or maybe I shouldn't have told her--even in jest-- that her blog is crap. I don't know. Anyway, we never hear from her anymore. I'm not even totally sure that Finland exists anymore. It's depressing.


  20. Jingle: Thank you, best wishes to you too.

    Lorena: I am so happy I could totally creep you out! My work here is done.

    MikeWJ: Finland died of heat stroke. I'm too hot to think about posting, keyboard in the freezer, brain in the trash, computer screen covered in sunscreen. But for you, and only for you, I will consider posting something later tonight when I'm back in my apartment, sitting in a bath tub full of ice cubes.

  21. My husband needs a few new things.

    I'd like to start shopping now please.

  22. Mrsblogalot - You've come to the right place! We have a discount on red and pink organs today. Buy two kidneys, get one liver for free. And you can't afford NOT to get him a new set of lungs, that's how cheap they are. Happy shopping!



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