Sunday, July 18, 2010

I'm Not Saying I'm God (I'm Just Implying It)

God rested on the seventh day, right? I’m pretty sure he did. I mean, I’ve never actually read the Bible, but I went to church once. So it’s not like I don’t know that Adam and Eve ate a rotten pear from the wrong cherry tree because of the evil pig and suddenly they invented formal wear and decided casual Friday was a thing of the past and then got cast out of paradise, which is silly, because isn’t paradise the place people go after they die? Maybe Adam and Eve just did it all backwards. Anyway, I know all that, and I’m pretty sure God created heaven and earth and light and dark and night and day and energizer bunnies and flat screen TVs and Bulgaria (bad move, by the way) and then he rested on the seventh day. So why then is it that I never get to rest on the seventh day? I know I didn’t create Bulgaria or anything, but I work pretty hard and should be allowed to rest.

M and I had an amazing time on Friday; Zelma’s band was simply awesome. They are going to become rich and famous and forget all about me. We stayed up until 3am, and then got up again at 7 am to go to that wedding. We drove and drove and I swear, someone was building new road as we drove on it, because it never ended. I bet they got to rest on the seventh day too. Eventually we got there and attended a very nice wedding. And I now have a list of things I don’t want when I get married:

-a church that smells like a cow took a dump in it
-a pipe organ player who has never played the pipe organ before
-Ave Maria or Land of Hope and Glory as my wedding march
-food that leaks water and tastes like cardboard
-huge bowls of black olives to make up for leaking food
-kebab sauce instead of salad dressing
-a band that looks like it has been raised from the dead to come perform

But at least the bride and groom got each other and M and I got to leave. We spent the night at M’s parents’ place and today we had to drive all the way back home. I’m so tired I’m almost happy tomorrow is a work day. How sick is that? *


  1. Yeah. You're so tired you have to go back to work to rest. Yep. I remember those days.

    I like your take on creation.

    Leaky food? Ew.

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  3. Oh Ziva Darling, you sound almost as pagan as me! Actually, I sort of hate weddings right up there with baby showers, but I'll come to your if you ask me. I won't like it, but I'll come.

  4. Reffie: I had a very relaxed day at work and it totally helped me forget about the leaky food. Tomorrow I plan to nap all day.

    MikeWJ: IDUAWYS!

    Linda: M asked what a baby shower was and I told him they throw a baby in the shower. He found it a little weird but didn't question it. If it makes you feel any better, I'll make sure my wedding is awesome.

  5. Okay, then maybe I will like it. It's just all the praying stuff and photo ops that make me tired. We went to a wedding a couple of years ago that I swear went on for 15 hours. And that was just the part in the church. The couple were videotaped praying in front of every plaster statue there was in the church. I should have worn knee pads. Then the priest went on and on and on for about 7 hours talking about a bunch of religious stuff that I don't think is true in the first place. I had a baby shower last year and I had to go breathe in and out of a paper bag because it made me have such an anxiety attack. I've always hated those the worst. Poor pregnant things.

  6. Okay, I admit that I do not know what IDUAWYS means. I Googled it and got two responses, both having something to do with the 2004 Paul Giamatti movie "Sideways." I do not think you were trying to tell me something about the movie, but I do believe you were trying to tell me something. Does it have anything to do with white-hot steel rods and my ass, by any chance?

  7. I know what it means. I don't understand a word you say is what it means. You know she knows what you were saying.

  8. Linda: You'd like our weddings better, the church bit is only 15 minutes long and the rest of the night is spent getting drunk, eating food and dancing, no praying involved. And we don't do baby showers. We're boring, I know.

    MikeWJ: It speaks! My new rule is that as long as you speak in acronyms so will I. And I will make up the acronys as I go. I miss your very lenghty, very insightful comments. Screw the novel, get back to commenting!

  9. Lots of expandable roads here, too. I'm convinced they activate them at night. Whoever they are? Might be Adam and Eve on a road trip to Gomorrah. But you would know that since you are God. I had always suspected you were because you have longer days and nights. They only seem longer here because of the damn expandable roads.

  10. LOL! That acronym thing was just a brief, petulant phase I was going through. I would like to know what IDUAWYS stands for, though. Please tell me.

    As for screwing the novel, I tried to, but I guess I didn't use enough lubrication, and now we're both a little sore.

  11. Silly MikeWJ! Linda already told you what it means - I Don't Understand A Word You're Saying!
    You need to spend more time on the Internet and less time with those silly books. Who ever learned anything from a book anyway?!

    Now, Ziva, just because I kept saying "Oh God" that night we got drunk and ... well, just 'cause I said it doesn't make it true!

  12. Lauren: I'm glad I'm not the only one with the road problem. And people keep leaving food all over the roads too. Rats, foxes, rabbits, racoon dogs (we don't have real raccoons), that sort of thing. You'd think people would pick up their food and take it with them home.

    MikeWJ: I'm very happy to hear you're back to normal now. Linda and Nicky are right, it stands for I don't understand a word you're saying. Not that I knew it was an actual acronym when I used it, but apparently Linda and Nicky are either very smart, or I'm just lucky.

    Nicky: But honey, you should know I believe every single word you say. You could tell me the earth is round and I'd believe you. Especally if we're drunk and... well you know..

    Linda: Oh yes.

  13. I hope Mike tells us more about his fixation regarding white-hot steel rods and his ass (he wishes)!

    I loved your take on Adam and Eve. And my blowing my nose without a kleenex when I read it.

  14. Ziva, Darling, now I know Fins are fervent Christians but I must point out that there is another point of view. Alex, as a Navajo, has assured me that creation happened when the Navajos grew up out of the ground like potatoes. It's a little more complicated than just potatoes though.

    First the Holy Supreme Wind came, then there were mists of light. Are you with me so far? I think it makes perfect sense myself. There were three different levels of the world containing Holy People, Supernatural People, and some rabbits and coyotes.

    The first world was the Black World and they had a lot of fighting as you can well imagine since were Insect People, Rabbits, and coyotes all jockeying for space.

    First Man and First Woman met there in the Black World and figured they would hook up with each other rather than the Insect People or the animals because that was against the law anyway in olden times too.

    They moved on to the Second World, the Blue World which had lots of furry mammals, animal people and birds, again all fighting amongst each other. First Man said to his wife (by now they were married in the Church I think) "Let's go up to the next level. This place is fucked up.)

    So on up to the Third World, the Yellow World where they encountered a big flood because Coyote took a kid of Water Monster.

    Making a long story short, yup, 4th World here we come. This was the White Glittering World (or today we call it earth). Death began here when Coyote (that guy got around) tossed a stone in a lake and then all the dead people had to go back to the previous world.

    The first human born in the Fourth World was Changing Woman (they also called her Carla) who somehow gave birth to twins, "Monster Slayer" and "Water Child". These twins went all over the world having adventures and killing monsters. And I married one of their descendants. Now see how much more simple the story of creation can be?

  15. I like Alex's story of creation much better than the one in the bible, but I just can't imagine myself calling out "Oh Holy Supreme Wind" the next time Ziva and I get drunk and...

  16. You know what, Nicky, I can't either. "Oh God" is what I say too, but "Oh Holy Supreme Wind" is a close second! Or "Oh Monster Slayer!" isn't bad either when you think of it.

  17. nonamedufus: I'm glad I wasn't the only one who found the white-hot steel rod and Mike's ass to be a very fascinating combination. And I'm even more glad you liked my take on Adam and Eve. Wanna hear more? Because I have this theory involving Adam and Steve and a very angry fruit bat...

    Linda: Oh yes, I can see how that would make much more sense than my boring Christian take on creation. And it would be so much simpler to explain to the kids in school. I must convert as soon as possible.

    Nicky: While I see your logic, I'm not sure it's proper behaviour to choose your religion or belief based on which deity has the simplest name to call out when your drunk and.. well, you know. From now on, "Oh Holy Supreme Wind" it is. Start practicing.

  18. I think at that time, uhm, "oh Monster Slayer" would be better than "oh Supreme Wind", but to each her own I always say.

  19. Nicky and Ziva, if you timed everything right when you're drunk and...well, you know, you could probably recite the entire Lord's Prayer in unison. Or maybe even the Book of Psalms, which is lovely. Especially since women are blessed with being multi...well, you know.

    I'm actually a little afraid that when the two of you finally do get together, Linda and I might have to stage an intervention to get you out of the bedroom before you give each other heart attacks or aneurysms. Although it's not a bad way to go, if you ask me. Better than having white-hot rods shoved up your ass, trust me.



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