I have a problem, and I think you might be able to help me. The problem is that I live in Finland. Well, that’s not my actual problem, but I have traced my problem back to this, and I believe that my living in Finland is the root to this particular problem. See, I live in a time zone called Eastern European Summer Time. It’s a very exotic time zone, if I do say so myself. In a few months, it will just be called Easter European Time, and it won’t be nearly as exotic. At the moment, this means that I’m at GMT+3 hours. Or, to put it in language even an American could understand, I’m 7 hours ahead of Eastern, 8 hours ahead of Central, 9 hours ahead of Mountain and 10 hours ahead of Pacific Time. And to go even further, so that even a Canadian could understand, that means that when I go to bed, it’s 3 PM where Mike lives and 5 PM where Nicky and Frank live, who are probably just getting home from work when I go to bed. And that’s just to name a couple. Everyone but me is living in a decent time zone.
That means that while I’m busy sleeping, everyone else is busy blogging. All major blogging takes place while I’m asleep, and so does all major commenting. My comment field has an entire life of its own whenever I’m asleep, or out partying, or busy studying. I miss out on everything just because I’m living in this exotic, yet completely impractical time zone. I’ve suggested to M that we convert to a less exotic time zone, like perhaps Eastern, but he really doesn’t see the advantages it would bring. He’s all “but it would be dark all the time and everyone else would be asleep and no stores would be open and everyone would try to get a hold of us while we’re sleeping because you know, that would be daytime for them.” And I’m all “but honey, I could read blogs the minute they’re posted and I could comment on them when everyone else is commenting.” And he’s all “you need help.”
And that’s why I need your help. I need a way to convert Finland to American time. I know this will take a lot of hard work, and that some of you might feel that I should just move to America, but I can’t really be bothered with moving again, it’s a hassle. And I just know that together we can do it. Like, maybe we could start a petition? Or we could all compromise and switch to British time. And start driving on the left side of the road.
Now, I wrote the above post yesterday, and was going to post it tonight as it was, but then something happened that I just had to add. My friends and I had a girls’ night out and I told Dani about my plan to convert Finland to American time. And she said perhaps the smartest thing anyone has ever said. And after having had a few glasses of wine, that is a lot to say about Dani. This is the girl who had a beer with Zelma and me when we were 16 and couldn’t figure out how to walk around the cat. Anyway, what Dani said was, “wouldn’t it make more sense to just have the rest of the world convert to Finnish time?” I realize that the girls’ night out might have made me a little drunk and that technically I shouldn’t be blogging right now, but I just can’t help it. My god, Dani is right. Americans, Canadians, and that one person from Chile who reads my blog, unite! Fight for your right to blog in the right time zone!
While you’re busy uniting, I have to get to bed. Again. I bet you’re just getting home from work, aren’t you? *
I really cannot believe my good luck! How I get to be the first one to comment on this piece of intellectuality! I think we could all be on the same time zone. It's just that 3 PM would mean something different to everyone. For some, it's time for bed, for others, time to wake up, and for me time for a cocktail! Time after all, like age, is just a number! Wait, I've said nothing smutty at all yet. Okay, 3 PM for some would be time for a boink! There! I've started something now! I am so proud!ReplyDelete
I got jet lag reading this post. GMT+3. Got it!ReplyDelete
I'm so sorry you live in Finland. Texas can swallow you in one bite.
Let's see, it's a quarter to 3 in the morning here, so it's about--uh, 4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12--lunchtime there, so you should be enjoying a lovely bark bread and rakfisk sandwish about now with a tumbler of ice-cold vodka. Assuming you're not boinking like Finnish rabbits, as Linda so delicately puts it.ReplyDelete
All right, so you want the rest of the world to switch to Finnish Standard Time. Okay. Let's reason this out on the basis of population.
Finland's population is about 5.3 million. The rest of the world is about 6.8 billion. You lose.
How about gross domestic product? Finland: $273 billion, most of that from sales of trees and meteorological equipment. The world: $61.1 trillion, $14.6 trillion from America alone, most of it from sales of plastic toys made in China and, in America's case, exports of Hollywood movies and movie-theater candy like Reese's peanut butter cups. Again, you lose.
Okay, let's go for three out of five.
What about snow? Finland: Shitloads and shitloads of premium-quality snow. The world: Not so much, especially in Northern Africa, the American Southwest and large parts of China. Finland wins.
And let's look at berries: Finland, bushels and bushels and bushels because Finland's home to about 37 varieties of berries on account of the moisture from snowfall. The world: Bushels, also, but mostly raspberries and gooseberries, which aren't all that popular. Finland wins.
Per capita consumption of alcohol. This is a tough one. Finland: Most of the country's in a drunken stupor most of the year, mostly on account of the snow, which is as depressing as hell. The world: Also a lot of drinking, especially in Germany, Russia and Ireland, which are the international champions of being drunk. But globally, Finland's got everybody beat. Finland wins.
So it's settled. We all switch to Finnish time. Except the Canadians, who are very polite but also incredibly stubborn and independent. They stay on their own clock, refusing to go along with everybody else, and continue to win almost everything hockey or poutine related.
Now I've forgotten what we were talking about because I'm so fucking tired. I think it had something to do with your mental problems. I agree with M. Get some help. Hire somebody to do your commenting for you while you're asleep or something. Or take meth or cocaine. They're wonderful anti-sleep aids.
Goodnight, and good luck.
AAAAAAAAAARGHHH! Ice-hockey tonight!!ReplyDelete
I'm prepared to switch to EEST time, but it might be a bit of a challenge getting into the office at 2am. If you are willing to support me financially, I'm willing to quit my job and live in Finnish time.ReplyDelete
You've got a reader in Chile? I'm so jealous.
If you're still awake and not out partying, studying, boinking or watching ice hockey, come by my place...I've got something (other than porn) for you :-)
Linda - I like how 3 PM would be cocktail time for some people. Actually, 2 PM should also be cocktail time. And 4 PM and 5 PM and 11 AM as well. Maybe we should all just convert to cocktail time and we wouldn't have to worry about different time zones anymore...ReplyDelete
ReformingGeek - Texas scares me. I'm pretty sure there isn't enough sisu in the world to make me move to Texas. It's just so big, and hot, and big. And HUGE!
MikeWJ - At lunchtime today, I was actually just getting up from bed, still walking around in my pajamas and trying to get motivated to study.
I'm really happy your very thorough investigation of Finland's superiority towards the rest of the world resulted in Finnish Standard Time becoming the next global trend, though. I totally agree with you, and I definitely feel you had a great point there with the berries and the alcohol. (Many Finns like to combine berries and alcohol to make tasty drinks. You just have to be really careful not to dip the lingonberry in the vat of alcohol for too long, or the result will be a little too fruity.)
However, when the entire world unites in one standard time, I certainly hope Canada will share some of its hockey players with Finland, as a friendly gesture for staying on their own time. We could definitely use some Canadian players, because we totally just had our asses handed to us by the Danes. Like Denmark is even a country. Idiots.
Muschu - Lalalalalalalala. I'm not going to watch hockey anymore. Ever.
Nicky - I might have a hard time supporting you financially just yet, but if you're willing to move to Finland, we have excellent unemployment benefits. And girl - you have a reader from Finland, nothing beats that.
You have something for me? This is so exciting!!
I love ice hockey, so why is Muschu complaining? Is it because Finland lost to Denmark? Isn't that like Norway losing Olympic bobsledding to Jamaica?ReplyDelete
P.S. -- You got up at noon? Way to go! You're a woman after my own night-person heart. If I had a heart. I don't even have skin, as you can see.ReplyDelete
MikeWJ - Don't you know it's rude to mention hockey to a Finn when they've just lost to a team that doesn't even know how to hold a stick? Finland has never ever lost to Denmark before. Ever. I think the suicide rate in Finland just spiked, and soon Denmark will start thinking they are something and they'll start doing ridiculous things. Like claiming they own Greenland.ReplyDelete
MikeWJ - Noon is the best time to get up, because if you do, then you don't have to eat breakfast and can go straight to lunch. Are you sure there's not a heart hiding somewhere in that boney ribcage of yours? I think there is...
I'm terribly sorry, and I sincerely apologize for mentioning Finland's national shame. Please don't off yourself. That means kill yourself, not whatever it might mean in Finland.ReplyDelete
And, yes, going straight to lunch is exactly my point. What a perfect day you must have had!
But, no, no heart. It's sad isn't it? Or would be, if I had a heart.
Ziva, it is a night of hockey disappointments...our team just lost and is possibly 1 game away from elimination! I'm not sure you'd really want our players now...ReplyDelete
Hey, I've been to Denmark! It's a lovely place. They've got a mermaid and everything. Mind you, not a single ice hotel to be found. Ok, they suck.
Mike, I thought your heart was black? I'm very confused...
Uh, well, if I had a heart it would be black. That's what I meant to say.ReplyDelete
MikeWJ - Don't worry, I have no plans to off myself anytime soon. I might throw the TV out the window, and accidentally off someone else, but that would not have been my intentions. Unless they were from Denmark.ReplyDelete
Nicky - I've been to Denmark! Next time, let's go there together. Or better yet, let's go to Italy. Or any country that doesn't have a hockey team.
I have something for you, Dahling! Come on over!ReplyDelete
Hey Ziva (LUV that name, BTW - and thanks again for dropping by). I actually suggested this time zone-thingy to MikeWJ about a week or so ago in the hope it might diffuse his long-winded commenting.ReplyDelete
Alas, this did not work.
(MkeWJ: I'd just be messin' wit' ya ;-)
But, if you are so disappointed with the Finnish hockey team, you could always join my fan-club for the Toronto Maple Leafs - at least you will know thay they will fail - way in advance - and you won't be so disappointed.
I'll convert to any time zone. I'm not sure I actually have one in the first place.ReplyDelete
But not metric. No metric time zones. And we get rid of Daylight Saving Time. It was a stupid idea created by people who believed that by cutting the bottom off a sheet and attaching it to the top that you could thereby get a longer sheet.
So if there's no metric and no Daylight Saving Time, I'm in. Probably. As long as I don't have to actually do anything. And there's no metric.
Lemmikki, it would be my pleasure to cross this giant Asian landmass I suddenly call home to meet you in the hockeyless country of your choosing!ReplyDelete
00dozo, the Leafs?! Dude, so gonna have to rag on you about this...
Nothing can stop my long-winded commenting, not kryptonite, not paladium poisoning, and certainly not time zones.ReplyDelete
Except for one thing: That small yet insistent voice in my head that constantly reminds me I'm a total ass with nothing valuable to say who probably ought to disappear myself from the face of the earth faster than the Finnish national hockey team.
That said, although I'm not a sports nut, I love playoff hockey and I'm particularly impressed with Montreal right now. They're playing with the sort of intensity and fire that I love to see in a hockey team. I think they might pull off a victory against the Penguins. And if they do, I think they might win the Cup. There, I've said it.
And this is the last comment I will leave on anybody's blog for a while. Even I'm tired of hearing me talk. From now on, I will leave the commenting to the lemmikkis and Kon Tikis of the world. (I couldn't think of anything else that rhymes with lemmikki, except Richard Leaky, and that just didn't make any sense at all, like almost everything that falls out of my brain. Anyway, lemmikki is a cool word, but very unusual.)
MikeWJ, OHNOYOUDIDN'T!!!! Everybody knows that if you say stuff like that, they LOSE!!! You went and jinxed them. They've actually been playing like a team and Halak has been a GOD in goals AND YOU JUST WENT AND JINXED IT! Ok, OK. Breathe. There's still time to fix this. Rub the lucky bottle of Molson EX 3 times. Dress the kids in their Canadiens shirts, socks and underpants. Paint the cat blue, white and red. Have a couple swigs of Canadian Whiskey (ok, so that doesn't really reverse the jinx, but it does help get Mamma through the day). And I think we're good now. Mike, don't EVER do that again! Seriously.ReplyDelete
Nicky: What can I say? I was born there, so I'm obliged. But I can still root for the Habs, no?ReplyDelete
00dozo - yes, you can, and you should. If you do, I may just forgive you for being from TO. :-)ReplyDelete
Linda - You have something for me? Diamonds, right? Please tell me it's diamonds? Or chocolate cake!ReplyDelete
00dozo - Thanks! I'm very fond of the name myself. It's not as good as yours, but I get my name from a ex Mossad assassin, so I totally kick ass anyway.
The Finnish hockey team never wins. Ever. But right now they're playing Germany and they're up one goal in the second period, so I'm almost ready to admit to being Finnish again. But if they lose this game I'm totally ready to convert to the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Frank - I'm ready to ditch the Daylight Savings Time fiasco, but dude, I'm not converting to imperial units. There's nothing more illogical than dividing a foot into 12 parts and saying that water freezes at 32 degrees. Idiotic. You're out of my time zone.
Nicky - When I think about it, I'm pretty sure I meant to say that Canada is actually a part of Scandinavia, and what do you know, I'm in Scandinavia too! Come on over, I have popcorn.
MikeWJ - You're not really giving up commenting, are you? Just the thought of it makes my feel empty inside. Not to mention my blog will probably wither away like a little brown raisin in the sunlight.
I should really start following hockey more, and not just the world hockey championships... I have no idea what you guys are talking about.
Okay first of all, you made me do math and now my head hurts. I not going to add a second because I wouldn't want to wake you with all the racket. Super Power Time zones unite!!ReplyDelete
Mrsblogalot - I'm awake! You commented in MY time zone! I'm so excited! Thank you!ReplyDelete
Lemmikki, the only thing you need to understand is that under NO circumstances should you EVER root for the Toronto Maple Leafs! Now, pass the popcorn please!ReplyDelete
I've been commenting in the wrong timezone forever. Like since I started blogging. I think I'm on Mars-time which is why my comments always show up after everyone else.ReplyDelete
Nicky - Toronto Maple Leafs, bad. Check. Thank god I have you to tell me stuff like this.ReplyDelete
Mike - Better late than on Mars, eh? (I'm so rocking the Canadian.) I should probably say something inspirational about how every comment counts and how they all warm my heart, but honestly, you need to just get your ass over to EEST and the problem would be solved. No more Mars commenting.
Ziva: It's too bad that the Quebec Nordique (yet another Canadian hockey team) didn't move to Finland instead of moving to Colorado (MikeWJ's time zone - not the other Mike's), since its players were good and might have helped out your team.ReplyDelete
Nicky: Who knows, the Leafs just might surprise you one day and actually make the playoffs and then you'll have to eat your words about them, but without cheese! (Okay, I'll make like a Bud and Leaf now.)
Ziva, you are too young for diamonds. I was thinking turquoise set in yellow Saudi gold. Diamonds are for when you are old and fat! You are too young and nubile for them Darling.ReplyDelete
I don't even understand our time zone much less your sexy, exotic time zone.ReplyDelete
Just stay up 24 hours and be done with it.
I like the sound of Eastern European Summer Time. It's more poetic than Eastern Standard Time. But the concept is too confusing. I barely have a grasp of "spring ahead" and "fall back." Maybe there's some type of time space continuum standard that the world can adapt, so we can be done with all the micro zonal time changes, which just makes me zone out.ReplyDelete
00dozo - This year's world hockey championships are so scewed up already that I don't think all the Canadians in the world could have made a difference. Denmark will probably win the entire thing.ReplyDelete
Linda - I had no idea you could be too young for diamonds. I knew you could be too poor for them, but too young? Who knew?
Candice - I'm a student, I stay up for 24 hours whenever I have a deadline. And then I sleep for 24 hours and suddenly I'm back in my silly time zone.
Lauren - Personally, I think Eastern European Summer Time sounds like something Russia used to own.
Ha! And sold on Ebay. Btw, thanks for your comment. I revised the post a bit because of what you said.ReplyDelete
I just don't know if it's tonight, tomorrow, or next Wednesday in your part of the world, and if it's Wednesday, who was kicked off of American Idol?
Ziva, I've got a threesome for you at my place.ReplyDelete
Lauren - Girl, we might be a day or two ahead of you in time, but when it comes to TV, we're still doing the black-and-white thing.ReplyDelete
Linda - I can always count on you to provide me with threesomes.