Friday, May 28, 2010

Don't Be Silly, Everyone Knows Moose Are Vegetarian

I’ve been away. I know you missed me, and I’m very sorry. I’ve been away because I realized that if I just tried really hard I might actually get something done in school. This was a bit of an epiphany for me. I’ve always thought that studying was mostly about drinking, partying, staying up late and sleeping all day. It turns out I was wrong and studying is not so much about marinating your liver in fine wine, but mostly about the actual studying. As you can probably imagine, I felt a little cheated. Anyway, I made one last big effort for the spring and finished all my courses. As of yesterday the only thing I have left to do for my master’s degree is the actual master’s thesis. With a little luck, I’ll be graduating before I turn 30.

With all my classes over, I’ll have a lot more time for silly stuff like getting addicted to Lost, popping popcorn and most importantly, blogging. However, seeing as I’m a little rusty in the blogging department at the moment, I’ll start out slowly by telling you about how awesome I am. I received another award! I was awarded the Bald Faced Liar Creative Writer Award by both Linda and the very funny and gullible 00dozo. (She honestly thinks I’m an evil penguin.) I have to say, I really like this award. Sure, it comes with a bunch of responsibilities, but I can ignore those and focus on the lying creative writing, because boy do I like lying creative writing.

Actual picture of me.

When Linda received this award she said, "In my book, there are two good reasons for lying; one reason is kindness, and the other reason is self preservation. Period."

I wish I were that smart... In my book, lying is not only useful when you want to be kind or when you’re practicing self-preservation, but it’s also very useful when you’re bored and want to have some fun. There’s nothing like seeing those kids running around looking for candy that I didn’t hide.

For this award the recipient has to post either six outrageous lies about themselves and one outrageous truth, or vice-versa. I won’t tell you if I chose to tell six truths and one lie or six lies and one truth, but I have a feeling you’ll soon figure it out for yourselves. Not that I’m not a good liar, I am. I just wanted to make it easy for you. Lying is actually what I do best. My mom is very proud of me. See what I did there? I lied and you didn’t even notice. Like she would be proud of me, ha!

Okay, here goes. The person who can identify the truth/truths wins absolutely nothing. Or maybe a fancy award.

1. In the 80’s my parents were millionaires, having invested in Nokia many years ago, but lost most of their fortune in a bad game of poker. Daddy played and lost and mom had to spend the night with an Arabian Sheik. 9 months later I was born.

2. Then mom and dad gave me away and I was actually raised by a pack of wolves. They taught me excellent surviving skills. Ask me anything about how to kill a hare.

3. I’m pregnant! Hehehe.

4. Chuck Norris comes to me for hair care advice, that’s how awesome my hair is. I’ll tell you what I always tell him; lather, rinse, repeat and occasionally stick a fork into the toaster for extra volume.

5. Due to my time in the wolf pack, I have a very close relationship with all animals. Sometimes I even feed moose and deer straight from the barbecue. They love my teriyaki-marinated steak.

6. I’m extremely intelligent. I once participated in a game show on TV and got to answer very interesting questions about flounders and Norse Gods. I won the entire thing, winning a book with 1001 jokes and a gift card to an electric shop. With the gift card I bought a lamp in the shape of a desk.

7. Ever since M and I started dating, I have told him I need Sundays to myself for my goat sacrifice and naked moonlight dancing. He doesn’t know this, but I just tell him that because I am horribly embarrassed about telling him the truth. Actually, I spend Sundays knitting and crocheting with my Grandma. I’m so embarrassed.

Regarding passing this on and such, if you’re reading this and feel like lying is something you might be interested in doing, I challenge you to accept the award courtesy of me and go lie your heart out. If you feel like you’re not into lying, your mom probably did a better job with you than mine did with me. *


  1. Lemmikki! I missed you horribly. I thought you may have decided to abandon mankind and return to the wolf pack! Now, let's see...I'm pretty sure all of those are true except #7. Which means congratulations on #3 and I'll expect you to name the little squeaker after my newest favourite cheese - Leipäjuusto!

  2. Ha! The only truth in the wolf pack of lies is #3. Congrats!

    Oh yeah. Congrats for being such a great liar, too!


  3. Oh, Ziva, I'm not gullible, just a little slow on the uptake ;-)

    And congrats on #3!! Happy, happy, joy, joy! *doing the happy dance*

  4. Nicky - I love Leipäjuusto! When I do have a little bugger, I'll definitely maybe consider naming the thing Leipäjuusto, Alas, I'm afraid you were wrong about the truth. #3 is one of many un-truths on the list. I don't think the world is ready for my spawn just yet.

    ReformingGeek - Gotcha! #3 is false. I'm such a good liar I sometimes lie to myself and believe it.

    00dozo - You're not slow in the uptake, you're just a little special. Being special is a beautiful thing, freaky-toe. I'm going to have to start watching what I eat. Do I really look pregnant?

  5. Ziva, you do not look pregnant, but since this is the 2nd time you've told us that you are, it leads one to wonder. Since I know Chuck personally, and he indeed told me he comes to you for hair advice, I know the truth. Now, you must also realize that's not the only thing Chuck comes to me for. But I'm going to leave it at that! Congratulations on the award. You are absolutely creative, and certainly a writer, my dearest!

  6. Wait a second here! Nicky's new favorite cheese is Leipäjuusto?? And I didn't know that? And she didn't share with me?? Is my chain being yanked?

    Clearly #6 is true. Now you have to post a picture of that desk because I really want to see it.

  7. Sticking the fork in the toaster works really well. If you do it while standing in the tub, it also clears the sinuses.

    Congratulations! Hilarious list. I can see why you received the Creative Writer award. Although #3 is rather intriguing. Excuse me while I take a pregnant pause.

  8. Linda - I figured that since I already told everyone I wasn't pregnant, everyone would know that to be a lie and it would make it easier to spot the truth. I guess that didn't work, huh?

    Of course Chuck comes to you... I should have known there was a reason he always wants to have great hair.

    Mike - I'm pretty sure Nicky's new favorite cheese is anything with a fancy Finnish name, don't take it personally. Although, leipäjuusto is pretty good, and it has a really freaky consistency. #6 you say, check back in a day day or two and see if you won absolutely nothing. Or maybe the fancy award.

    Lauren - Thanks! I tried the fork in toaster in tub thing, but after that I walked around with a loud ringing in my ears for a week, so I've just stopped doing it. Pregnant pause, hehe.

  9. I'm going with #7. I wish I could lie as well as you. My face turns bright red and always gives me away.

  10. I was so sure it was 6 but now I'm not...damn your good. Mama penguin did a great job (-;

  11. Jen - #7 you say? I wish. I couldn't knit to save my soul from hell. Not that I would want to save my soul from hell, really, I hear it's nice and hot all year around.

    Mrsblogalot - You should really trust your first instincts. ;)

  12. I knew it was number 6 right away. The Norse thing was a tip off.

  13. MikeWJ - And here I thought it was the extremely intelligent thing that would tip you off.



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