Thursday, February 25, 2010

You're Looking A Little Feminine There, Satan

So, I’m sitting here, watching hockey. Except, something’s wrong. The players aren’t really as big as I’d expect. And they’re not quite as violent as I like my hockey. And the screams coming from the ice are decidedly feminine. And that’s when it hits me. This is NOT real hockey. It’s girls’ hockey. A little slower, a little prettier. Why girls would play hockey, I don’t know. They probably have some daddy issues or something. Or maybe they weren’t quite thin enough to make it as figure skaters.

But it’s Finland vs Sweden and they’re playing for the bronze so I decide to give it a go. I lean back and try to enjoy a good tea party game. The first thing that stands out is that everyone is called Michelle and Sarah and Candy. When men play hockey, they are called Ovechkin, Satan and Igor. That’s what hockey players are supposed to be called. When Satan comes at you with a puck and a stick, you tremble in your shorts. Maybe even pee a little. When Michelle comes at you with a puck and a stick, you kind of want to give her a doll. Maybe tell her that her mascara is running.

When men play hockey, they go all the way. Lots of body contact, lots of violence. If you come home with all your teeth it wasn’t a good game. I think I heard Candy ask Sarah if it was okay to shove her a little with her stick. Candy said it was fine as long as she didn’t break her nail.

So I was sitting there, marvelling over the fact that they were actually wearing boy skates, when Finland scored the first goal. And suddenly, it made sense. There is one good thing about women’s hockey. When one team scores, they all hug and you almost get some girl on girl action right there on the TV screen. Awesome! Let’s do it again, girls, and this time with some feeling! And did I mention they’re Swedish??

Turns out it wasn’t a complete waste of time. Girl on girl action and a bronze medal to Finland. Maybe I should start playing hockey… How hard could it be, after all? Like selling snow to Canadians. *


  1. I am flabbergasted that you were able to turn a women's hockey game into a porn movie, but they are great stickhandlers and they do hug an awful lot. Now I'll never be able to watch a women's hockey game in the same way again. I'm trying to decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

  2. I can totally agree on that it wasn't a waste of time, even without the wild associations and interpretations made here on the blog. We got a bronze medal, and actually scored quite a few really good looking goals!

  3. Mike - It's a talent I have. With a devious mind, and often a little vaseline, mostly anything can be turned into porn. And it is definitely a good thing. Even when your favorite women's hockey team is losing, you'll be able to find some joy in watching.

    M - Michelle Karvinen should be awarded the "best goal in the Olympics" medal. She rocked. Even though she's a girl. And is called Michelle.



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