Prejudice Is Only Good If You're Jane Austen

I don’t often go off on political tangents on this blog. Except from the time Obama was awarded the peace prize, I’ve mostly stuck to making fun of myself or people who are unfortunate enough to know me. But green is the color of the month, and like everyone else, I think of Libya when I hear the word green. The color of Islam is green, for one. And the flag of Libya is nice and green – and not to be confused with just any green rectangle, it’s very distinct. You can tell the difference, right?



In honor of green being the color of the month, I’m going to tell you a little story, that might or might not take a political turn, about Libya and its fearless leader. But this story doesn’t start in Libya. It starts in the most peaceful country in the world, where it seems like the people are always busy carrying large amounts of cash to the national banks. It starts in Switzerland.

Way back in 2009, Switzerland did what any self-respecting, cheese-making, chocolate-eating country would do. They banned the building of minarets. As Switzerland is on the evolutionary level of Ancient Rome, they were able to do this by a simple referendum. In a country where referenda are held trice a week and twice on Sunday, people have a hard time working up the energy to care about unimportant stuff like whether or not everyone’s right to freedom of religion is respected.

Now, you can’t blame the Swiss government for not trying. They did recommend that the proposed amendment be rejected, probably because it was inconsistent with the basic principles of the constitution. And all that crap. But the right wing campaign to ban minarets was nevertheless successful and before the Swiss could say “Give me some Toblerone!” the building of minarets had been banned.

This, of course, was met with great joy and approval around the world. There’s nothing Europe needs more than a little white supremacy to get the juices flowing. And while we’re at it, why not add a swastika to the Swiss flag that’s supposed to represent neutrality, just to get the point across.

I can see why Muslims around the world are a little miffed at this development in Switzerland. And common sense would dictate that the only reasonable thing to do now is express the deep disappointment the Muslim community feels towards this unreasonable ban declare a holy war on Switzerland. Yes. That makes sense. Let’s fight ignorance with jihad. That will end well.

Only, the thing is, didn’t anyone tell them that Switzerland is one big freaking army? Don’t let the neutrality thing fool you. Switzerland has an active army of 134.886 people. And every single one of them has a personal rifle that they keep at home in case someone declares jihad on Switzerland. Yes, that’s the single reason. That, and major cheese catastrophes. They might not be completely up-to-date on their civil and political rights, but they sure know how to fight. Priorities, people.

Muammar Gaddafi, the leader of Libya (who coincidentally came to power by a very legal and constitutionally sane coup d’état and also ordered the expulsion of Italians in 1970 – a very agreeable person in general), appealed for jihad against Switzerland when he heard of the ridiculous ban on building minarets. He wanted Muslims to target Switzerland through airports and harbors, preventing Swiss planes from landing and Swiss ships from docking. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think Switzerland actually has a merchant navy. Or even a coast. Muammar Gaddafi was probably too busy writing his Green Book to study unimportant things like geography.

Anyway, he called Switzerland an infidel, obscene state which is destroying mosques and made it clear that Switzerland at the very least was an ideological enemy. That actually sounds a little like the lyrics to a Marilyn Manson song, don’t you think? Gaddafi made this speech on the Prophet Muhammad’s birthday, to make sure that as many Arabs as possible would take it seriously. I can only hope that right now, the harbors of Libya aren’t filled with Muslims trying to stop Swiss ships from docking. Because folks, they ain’t coming.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go build some minarets, tear them down and declare holy war on myself. There’s just too much crazy in the world. *

Prejudice Is Only Good If You're Jane Austen