Pages

Monday, February 25, 2013

Fact or Fiction

In Finnish, there is a unit of distance called poronkusema, which roughly translates into “a reindeer’s pee”. It’s as far as a reindeer can walk in any given direction without having to urinate – about 4.5 miles, depending on the reindeer. Most of the time a poronkusema is more or less a straight line, but sometimes the reindeer will get lost and it’s a big squiggly S-shape, or if the reindeer has to go really badly, it might be tiny little cross-legged circles.

Needless to say, it’s not a very useful unit, nor it is a very useful fact to know.

I apologize.

I have another mile in me, then I have to go.

Now, in the interest of serving you up some facts that are actually useful, let me tell you a little bit about cheese, that wonderful, wonderful substance that Nicky and Mike love so dearly.

This here is a photo I lovingly stole borrowed from Nicky and Mike’s cheesy blog, and for some inexplicable reason, I’m going to give you some entirely fictional facts about these smelly cheeses, in no particular order.



First, there is the wonderful Brie. Hopefully from France, it’s a lovely Brie de Meaux, made with the milk of a cow named Rosa, who lovingly gave birth to a calf and raised him while the electronic pumps pulled every last bit of milk from her udders. The cheese has a very faint aroma that even a cheese-hating Finn can adore. It tastes of mould and spring, and goes very well with a delicate white wine.

The Camembert is very similar to the Brie, but for some inexplicable reason they still have to have different names because some cheese snob in France says so. Nevertheless, the Camembert has a little less fat, and is therefore an excellent diet cheese. But only if you don’t eat it.

Next, there is the cubed Cheddar Cheese. The bane of my existence. Found in everything, the Cheddar Cheese has a sharper taste than the friendly Camembert, and resembles old Lego bricks in appearance. This aged cheese tastes slightly earthy, with an undertone of older gentleman, heavy on the dandruff. Food colouring has been added to give it its yellow tint, and we can only be happy it didn’t come out of a can.

Then there’s the ash-coated Chèvre, a rather soft goat’s milk cheese. Slightly salty, but mild in flavour. A Chèvre is something almost anyone can enjoy. Make sure you get the kind with food grade activated charcoal ash, though, and not the kind with human remains ash. It’s tastier, and you won’t feel bad for eating Uncle Willy.

The Mozzarella looks faintly plastic on this lovely platter, and I can only assume it’s fake. I will not tolerate such cheating and refuse to speak another word of it. Hell, it’s so soft it won’t even do as a murder weapon.

The silly looking round cheese with an orange rind is an Oka, and this one, will in fact do quite nicely as a murder weapon. Just ask Uncle Willy. It goes well with a late harvest Gewürztraminer, or if you’re having problems pronouncing that, any vodka will do, as long as it’s Finlandia. It’s semi-hard (much like Uncle Willy), and while I’ve never tasted it, I can only assume it tastes like cheese, maybe with a faint aftertaste of lost dignity.

The monster in the aluminium package is illegally produced bathtub cheese. It was probably made in Nicky’s and Jepeto’s own bathtub, and has a very pungent smell, due to Jepeto’s frequent cheese baths. This of course has led to a rather nasty yeast infection, causing Jepeto to start producing his very own cheese as well, (thankfully not seen on the cheese platter). It’s best to just stay away from this cheese, for all the reasons mentioned above and many, many more.

We’re almost at the end now, and since the three little white cheese wedges at the edge of the platter are infested with Listeria, I’ll skip those and move on to the last one.

And last, we have the Blue Cheese. The king of horror, this cheese contains more Penicillin than a hospital, and has about the same death rate. It goes well with a strong wine, even better with a gun to put yourself out of your misery. It smells of dirty socks and dead mice, left to rot for exactly 6 days in a humid and warm place. The green or blue colours resemble varicose veins on a beauty queen, and are designed to scare people away. Sadly, many people suffer from an incurable disease called idiocy, and will eat the Blue Cheese anyway. The smell stays with the body long after death.


This post is part of Nicky and Mike’s 30 Minus 2 Days of Writing challenge. Today’s prompt is Fact or fiction. Go check out We Work For Cheese for a list of the other participants. *
Share/Bookmark

31 comments:

  1. i'm with you on the Blue Cheese. This hard cheese probably belongs in a blue movie or something. When I was much younger my friends and I would write our names in the snow with our pee. My poor friend Richard always had trouble dotting the "i".

    ReplyDelete
  2. I stole from the WWFC blog too for the day's post.


    And here I thought you were pulling my leg on the poronkusema ~

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ziva, these are great! I love your descriptions (they made smile and/or wince), and I love cheese, but I'll pass on these for now. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I like me some medium cheddar. I can take blue cheese in small doses, but yeah, it sure does stink!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I don't think I have ever had a cheese I did not like.... but, well ... spicy cheese with jalepanos in it- is ok, but not a favorite...I adore brie... and actually really enjoy a good blue cheese as well as a sharp cheddar.... I love mac'n'cheese, grilled cheese, cream cheese... ok I'll stop... I'm rambling now.... I can't believe you Finns don't like cheese... OMG>>> How do you eat pizza *shudders @ the thought of no pizza*

    ReplyDelete
  6. mikewjattoomanymorningsFebruary 25, 2013 at 11:27 PM

    I can't believe you made me Google poronkusema. I should walk the 1,093 poronkusemas between Denver and Turku and have a stern word with you.On the other hand, this is going to be so much fun to throw out at parties, especially parties with cheese and wine.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I bet dotting the "i" gets easier with old age.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hah! Thanks Linda, and good choice. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I do eat pizza, I just have them make it with half the amount of cheese. ;) It's much better that way!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Much easier. And I don't even have any "i"s in my name.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Knowing how much you ADORE cheese, I have to ask, do you eat pizza?


    Anyway I loved this post - was laughing at your descriptions!!! I am horrible at selecting cheeses and tend to go for novelty names or cute packaging.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hey Ziva! Now, if only they had some Mesost on there! I know THAT would make a fine murder weapon, Z! Indigo x

    ReplyDelete
  13. You know, the thought of bathtub cheese is extremely revolting. Even for me. Whatever that means.

    Also, you can steal cheese pics from us anytime, which I guess doesn't make it steaing anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Lemmikki, you can "steal my cheese" any time you want. I would even be willing to walk 10,000 poronkusema to bring it to you. Don't worry, I won't bring you any bathtub cheese, though. It'll be much more fun if we make our own when I get there.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I am going to incorporate that reindeer pee fact in at least three conversations in the very near future.

    And I love bleu cheese...but maybe Gorgonzola better. I love it. It's friggen yummy, dammit. :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. I just have so much to say about this post which is my favorite post so far.

    About the poronkusema....no shit? I am totally engrossed. The reindeer and I have something in common. I know that for every beer, I must pee five times. Without fail. Always five times. I will now call this pusseekusema. I will use this word often. Thank you.

    Here are some of your words which made me laugh my fat ass off:

    "...made with the milk of a cow named Rosa, who lovingly gave birth to a calf and raised him while the electronic pumps pulled every last bit of milk from her udders..." Yes, I love udder humor.



    "This aged cheese tastes slightly earthy, with the undertone of older gentleman..." Yes, I love old men humor.


    And all that talk of Uncle Willy reminds me of an old boyfriend. Cheesy memories!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I can't walk in ANY direction without having to pee. Yea I know... it is tough to be me!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Wow, you're really hard on cheddar. I feel like a cheese philistine now, because I like the stuff. In my defense, I also love brie, and I hate blue cheese, so I think we can still be friends.

    That bit about poronkusema is fascinating stuff. Thanks for sharing that one. :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. I know you really love the cheese. You act all tough around it. But deep down, we know you sneak tastes of it whenever you can! :D

    ReplyDelete
  20. Yeah, I'm not a friend of cheddar, but as long as you hate blue cheese, you and I can totally be friends. Hell, I'm even friends with Nicky and Mike, and those guys really love their cheese.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Weirdly enough, I can't walk anywhere in the winter when it's cold, I have to pee within five minutes of stepping outside.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Haha, pusseekusema! That's hilarious!

    I'm thrilled you enjoyed my little homage to cheese, Malisa, you picked some of my favorite lines. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh, you're going to have to tell me how those conversations went, Mariann! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  24. I love everything about this comment, Nicky. Now come here, and let me "steal your cheese", gorgeous.

    ReplyDelete
  25. You know, Mike, for some reason I am extremely happy that even you find the thought of bathtub cheese revolting.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I'm sorry, Indigo, but I have no idea what Mesost is. :)

    ReplyDelete
  27. Oh LM, of course I eat pizza! I love pizza. I just eat it with very little cheese on top. ;) And next time you're having trouble selecting a cheese, I'd be happy to help. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  28. Shhhh! If you tell anyone that, I will deny it. Fiercely.

    ReplyDelete

Stop!!

This blog uses the Disqus comment system. If you see this message, please wait until you see the Disqus comment form or refresh your browser. Comments posted here will not show up on the blog.