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Friday, July 1, 2011

Ziva - Solving the World's Financial Crises Since 2011

Greece is pretty much bankrupt. Normally I wouldn’t care about a silly little thing as the cradle of modern civilization going broke, but Greece happens to be part of a political and economic union I like to call the “EU.” You might have heard about this, you might not have. Suffice to say that the “EU” is not the same as “Europe,” which in turn is not one big country, but a whole bunch of little countries. Instead, the EU is made up of a select number of said little countries (remember: Europe ≠ one big country; Europe = a bunch of small countries,) namely the ones that are economically and politically stable enough to shoulder the responsibility of an adult sovereign state. Somehow Greece, in all its adolescent ignorance, managed to con its way into the EU, and now it’s broke and asking the rest of EU to pay for its upkeep. Lazy bastard.

The EU told Greece that in order to get a loan they will have to clean up their act, stop touching the marble and try to save some money. The Greekians (not actual term) didn’t like this. At all. Protests, riots, blah, blah. At least they had the common sense to wait until we came home from our vacation.

But while the vacation was nice, and I should just forget all about Greece now, I can’t. As many of you know, I live in a country called Finland. Finland happens to be one of the adult sovereign states the EU is made up of, and as such, it will have to pay lots of prime Finnish euros to keep Greece from taking everyone down with them. And that’s where I come in. I happen to have come over a list of benefits that the Greek government grants its employees, and based on these benefits I have made some suggestions as to how they could save some money.

Keep in mind that this list is entirely true, I did not make it up.

1. Employees of the Greek railway company, OSE, specifically the locomotive engineers, receive a monthly 420-euro bonus for washing their hands. Washing. Their. Hands.
My suggestion: don’t give them money for washing their hands, cut their hands off if they don’t wash them.

2. Couriers working at the ministries receive a monthly 290-euro bonus for carrying documents.
My suggestion: Wrap the documents around a slab of marble; make them work for their money.

3. Many Greek agencies give workers compensation for knowing how to use a computer or a printer.
My suggestion: Anyone who’s working at an official agency and doesn’t know how to use a computer or printer should be fired. Not via email, though.

4. The state-owned bus company’s drivers get a bonus of 320 euros if they arrive at work on time.
My suggestion: Actually, I’ve seen the streets the buses drive on and if I were a bus driver in Greece, I wouldn’t want to come to work either, let them keep their bonus.

5. State civil servants receive a bonus for arriving at work in reasonable time.
My suggestion: Let’s all move to Greece and start working for the government. Applicants are required to have a high tolerance for tear gas. *
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21 comments:

  1. None of this surprises me--but I live in the USA.  ;)

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  2. These are hysterical.  I love getting a bonus for arriving at work in "reasonable" time. Yeah -- I'll be there when I get there.  I think that's reasonable.  Where's my bonus?

    I love that you live in an adult country.  We have a bunch of school yard bullies running ours.  

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  3. Ha! Arriving at work or getting to a job in a "reasonable" time here is called, "When I reach".  Nice to know that Bahamians have something in common with other 'Earthlings' as it were, but Bahamians don't get bonuses for showing up.  They'd just be lucky to get paid.

    As for your suggestion about couriers, since they (the documents) are already wrapped up around pieces of stone, the couriers should earn their bonuses by being able to 'deliver' them to the specific office for which they are intended  --  from the sidewalk.

    ;-)

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  4. P.S.  Welcome back!!  Vhat, no pictures?  Oy.

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  5. Somehow it makes sense that the only thing people from the Bahamas and people from Greece have in common is a certain disregard of time management...

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  6. Thank you! And I posted like 30 pictures from Greece in the previous post. How much more do you want?

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  7. Sorry about the school yard bullies, that sucks. I'm not so sure about Finland being an adult country after all.. I mean, we have a six-pack government. It doesn't get much more adolescent than that. I think we should all get a bonus just for putting up with our respective governments.

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  8. Ooops!  I completely missed that post and thought this was your first upon your return.  I'll go check it out soon.

    ;-)

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  9.  Don't worry about it. ;) I'm a lousy blogger so this could very well have been my first post since Greece. And I still haven't read all the blogs on my to-read list. But fear not, I will come visit you!

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  10. Nice try! You're just ribbing us with this silly list. Everybody knows Europe is one big country.

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  11. Yep. Did it work? Are you confused now?

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  12. Um.... What? They get $ for Washing. Their. Hands. ???!! That's INSANE!

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  13. I know, it's crazy! If I had a dollar for every time I washed my hands, I'd have like at leat $10 already. The Greek are just spoiled, that's what I think.

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  14. I want a bonus for typing on keyboard, knowledge and usage of a phone, fax machine, copy machine, laptop, answering machine (separate bonus for each item); then I want a bonus for mu lunch break, for using it and another bonus for actually eating during the lunch break, I want a toilet bonus, for using it, for flushing, for toilet paper and for washing hands (separate bonuses for each action); Then a bonus for owning and using an Iphone4 while working.... hmmmm, is that enough bonuses?

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  15. I think I'd like Greece.  I just don't want to get tear gassed so I'll probably stay here where I can just get shot.

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  16. Call me crazy, but I think I'd prefer getting tear gassed rather than shot.

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  17. No problem, move to Greece and I'm sure you'll be able to negotiate any kind of deal you want. Be sure to add a wearing-clothes-to-work bonus, and a combing-your-eyelashes bonus as well. ;)

    Also, welcome to Ziva's Inferno!

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  18. Ziva, I know.  But the tear gas runs the mascara and makes a total mess on your face.  If you are shot, center of mass, you still will look just fine dead.  Yeah, I think of things like that.

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  19. You definitely have your priorities straight!

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