...or Richard Simmons eating a sausage.

Life has a way of surprising you when you least expect it, which isn’t much of a surprise really, since “when you least expect it” is the very definition of the word “surprise.” But life is very good at it, and that’s how I found out about my superpower while having a perfectly normal conversation with my sister. I don’t know what the proper protocol for finding out about your superpower is, but I’m sure having your sister inform you about it is way down the list of preferable ways, somewhere between accidentally turning your aunt into a toad and freezing an entire city with your icy stare.

I bet you’re wondering what this new superpower of mine is. I’m extremely happy to tell you that it’s no ordinary superpower like flying or shooting laser beams out of my eyes. It’s not even the boring art of mindreading or the ability to remember everyone’s birthday. No, it’s far better than that.

See, I was talking to my sister on the phone, and she mentioned that she ran in to my very first boyfriend. He was looking well, she said. And he had introduced her to his new boyfriend.

Yep, you heard me, I can turn men gay! How awesome is that?? Is your husband acting like a chauvinist pig? No problem. Send him to me. One kiss from me and he’ll be gayer than George Michael riding a rainbow.

Look out men of the world, here I come.

And so will you.

Right out of the closet.

This is what came up when I googled George Michael. Personally, I've always liked the noses-for-eyes look some gay men are sporting.

*

...or Richard Simmons eating a sausage.