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Sunday, July 3, 2011

...or Richard Simmons eating a sausage.

Life has a way of surprising you when you least expect it, which isn’t much of a surprise really, since “when you least expect it” is the very definition of the word “surprise.” But life is very good at it, and that’s how I found out about my superpower while having a perfectly normal conversation with my sister. I don’t know what the proper protocol for finding out about your superpower is, but I’m sure having your sister inform you about it is way down the list of preferable ways, somewhere between accidentally turning your aunt into a toad and freezing an entire city with your icy stare.

I bet you’re wondering what this new superpower of mine is. I’m extremely happy to tell you that it’s no ordinary superpower like flying or shooting laser beams out of my eyes. It’s not even the boring art of mindreading or the ability to remember everyone’s birthday. No, it’s far better than that.

See, I was talking to my sister on the phone, and she mentioned that she ran in to my very first boyfriend. He was looking well, she said. And he had introduced her to his new boyfriend.

Yep, you heard me, I can turn men gay! How awesome is that?? Is your husband acting like a chauvinist pig? No problem. Send him to me. One kiss from me and he’ll be gayer than George Michael riding a rainbow.

Look out men of the world, here I come.

And so will you.

Right out of the closet.

This is what came up when I googled George Michael. Personally, I've always liked the noses-for-eyes look some gay men are sporting.
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38 comments:

  1. Oh, right. Ziva. You didn't turn him gay. With your secret-agent hair, three arms and sexy green skin, you made him go against his true nature and reconsider heterosexuality. In fact, you are so hawt, so ultra feminine and lovable, that I myself am considering moving to Finland so that you can have my babies.

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  2. Wow!! That is great to know, should I ever need it Ziva!! You are incredible!

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  3. Maybe I'll move to Finland so she can have my babies too, then we'd be related by baby mamma!

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  4. Lemmikki, I'm sure that after loving you, he could love no other woman and was thereby forced to turn to men (it was either that or goats, and everybody knows Finnish goats are bad-asses - yes, pun intended!).

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  5. Um, you don't mind if we just continue corresponding from a distance do you? And I may not be coming to Finland any time soon.

    Wow, you dated George Michael?

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  6. That's extremely nice of you, Mike. I'm very honored you'd actually consider letting me have your babies; your generosity knows no bounds.

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  7. I'm not so sure about the logistics of that one, Madge... But I guess it's worth a try?

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  8.  Yes, I'm liking this take on it. And it makes a lot more sense, too, because Finnish goats really do have bad asses.

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  9.  Yep, whenever you have a man problem,  just project a rainbow-shaped light onto the sky and Same Sex Superhero Ziva will come to the rescue to turn your man problem into a happy these-parts-don't-really-fit-together-but-turn-around-and-we'll-make-it-work-anyway fest.

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  10. That's perfectly okay, Mr. Dufus; if I were a guy I wouldn't want me near myself either.

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  11. Funny girl! Made me snort!

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  12. That's amazing, Ziva. 

    You might want to check with your male friends and make sure you haven't accidentally affected them.

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  13. I would love to have the ability to turn men gay. Or the super power to be invisible. 

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  14. I am quite impressed with this superpower, Ziva. And I am not one to be easily impressed by superpowers. I'll give some thought to which men I would like you to turn gay and get back to you.

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  15. Awesome, send them my way! I mentioned the fee, didn't I? Nothing major, I'll just be charging a small fee for every man I gayify. I'm sure you won't mind paying it, it's such a valuable service I offer after all.

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  16. Meleah, you couldn't turn a man gay even if you tried, you're just too pretty, I'm afraid. Which is probably what's keeping you from being invisible, too, cause I don't have a problem with it, no one ever notices me.

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  17. I know! It's giving me nightmares.

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  18. Ohh, this is why no men want to be friends with me; they can sense the gay descending on them and instinctively try to get away from me.

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  19. I certainly hope M doesn't start to show signs of nose-eyes.  (Dang, that's a creepy picture.)

    ;-)

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  20. Oh come on Ziva, you know the religious right has been after you to work for their "gay to straight" programs.  One look at you and the boys are no longer singing soprano.  Heck, after I looked at you I didn't sing soprano either!

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  21. Thank you for that lovely compliment, Ziva. xoxoxo

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  22. I'm certainly willing to try it, if the two of you are. It'd be very Euro of us. And old-school Mormon.

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  23. Ziva, it's not that men don't notice you, it's just that they don't want to be gayed up.

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  24. Linda, honey, I don't think you've ever sung soprano.

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  25. Oh lord, imagine waking up with THAT lying next to you in bed.

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  26. And God forbid he snores, too!

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  27. Actually, I did.  But that was before I met you.

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  28.  I think this might be a story I'd rather not hear.

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  29. I have a very efficient way of dealing with snoring men. I wake them up with an accidental, but suspiciously well-placed fist to the head.

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  30. Jeez, it's not like it's an airborn disease, it's only contagious if I actually kiss them. I think.

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  31. You're safe babycakes.  I never sleep with and tell.

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  32. Sweetie, doing drugs is really bad for you.

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  33. Old school Mormon is awesome!

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