Greece is pretty much bankrupt. Normally I wouldn’t care about a silly little thing as the cradle of modern civilization going broke, but Greece happens to be part of a political and economic union I like to call the “EU.” You might have heard about this, you might not have. Suffice to say that the “EU” is not the same as “Europe,” which in turn is not one big country, but a whole bunch of little countries. Instead, the EU is made up of a select number of said little countries (remember: Europe ≠ one big country; Europe = a bunch of small countries,) namely the ones that are economically and politically stable enough to shoulder the responsibility of an adult sovereign state. Somehow Greece, in all its adolescent ignorance, managed to con its way into the EU, and now it’s broke and asking the rest of EU to pay for its upkeep. Lazy bastard.
The EU told Greece that in order to get a loan they will have to clean up their act, stop touching the marble and try to save some money. The Greekians (not actual term) didn’t like this. At all. Protests, riots, blah, blah. At least they had the common sense to wait until we came home from our vacation.
But while the vacation was nice, and I should just forget all about Greece now, I can’t. As many of you know, I live in a country called Finland. Finland happens to be one of the adult sovereign states the EU is made up of, and as such, it will have to pay lots of prime Finnish euros to keep Greece from taking everyone down with them. And that’s where I come in. I happen to have come over a list of benefits that the Greek government grants its employees, and based on these benefits I have made some suggestions as to how they could save some money.
Keep in mind that this list is entirely true, I did not make it up.
1. Employees of the Greek railway company, OSE, specifically the locomotive engineers, receive a monthly 420-euro bonus for washing their hands. Washing. Their. Hands.
My suggestion: don’t give them money for washing their hands, cut their hands off if they don’t wash them.
2. Couriers working at the ministries receive a monthly 290-euro bonus for carrying documents.
My suggestion: Wrap the documents around a slab of marble; make them work for their money.
3. Many Greek agencies give workers compensation for knowing how to use a computer or a printer.
My suggestion: Anyone who’s working at an official agency and doesn’t know how to use a computer or printer should be fired. Not via email, though.
4. The state-owned bus company’s drivers get a bonus of 320 euros if they arrive at work on time.
My suggestion: Actually, I’ve seen the streets the buses drive on and if I were a bus driver in Greece, I wouldn’t want to come to work either, let them keep their bonus.
5. State civil servants receive a bonus for arriving at work in reasonable time.
My suggestion: Let’s all move to Greece and start working for the government. Applicants are required to have a high tolerance for tear gas. *