Today I am proud to be a Finn.
Because Finland won the Ice Hockey World Championships in an epic game against our arch nemesis, Sweden. And we didn’t just win, oh no. We crushed them. Killed them. Sucked every last ounce of life out of those sad little boys playing with their sticks and their pucks. We slaughtered them with all the subtlety of a train wreck. When we were done with Sweden, they were lying on the ice, sucking their thumbs and crying for their mama.
I realize of course that most of my readers here don’t even know that the Ice Hockey World Championships were being held, much less that they were being held in Slovakia. In fact, I’m sure many of you don’t even know, or care, where Slovakia is. And if it weren’t for the fact that Finland just delivered a Chuck Norris-like roundhouse kick to Sweden’s over-sized head in Bratislava, I wouldn’t care about Slovakia either. But because Finland burned Sweden to the ground, collected the ashes and burned them again, I have developed a new-found fondness for Bratislava, this most beautiful of all European cities.
Aaaaand, that’s really all I have to say today. I love Finland. I love Slovakia. And in case you forgot already, Sweden sucks monster moose cocks. Don’t ever forget it. *