Monday, February 15, 2010

In Case of Emergency - Don't Listen to Zelma

First off – does anybody know if walking sticks (the insect, not the walking aid) have stomachs? Zelma and I are wondering.

Secondly – do you have any idea of how hard it is to sleep when you’re on a boat that has to force its way through 170 miles of solid ice? The Archipelago Sea is frozen solid. Usually that’s fun because you can walk and skate and ski and drive on the ice. The first time I ever drove a car I did it on the frozen sea. It was actually very practical – I was more worried about drowning than I was about how to work the clutch properly and when to shift gears.

But I digress. The sea is frozen and when a huge steel monstrosity is forcing its way through the ice, it sounds like, well, it sounds like hundreds of thousands of pounds of steel forcing its way through solid ice. It is impossible to sleep in a cramped little cabin while listening to the boat doing its own impression of Titanic, over and over again. The no sleep deal made Zelma and me a little tired. And when you’re tired, you start thinking about weird stuff. Like locating the nearest exit in case of the ship actually perfecting its performance of Titanic’s last moments.

Luckily, Zelma had very elaborate emergency plans, which, coincidentally, almost never coincided with the official emergency plans. Her plans included, but weren’t limited to, hanging in chandeliers and railings when the boat tipped over and then jumping away on ice blocks to reach the floating emergency phones. The fact that floating emergency phones don’t actually exist didn’t seem to deter her. She also laughed her ass off at my emergency plan and told me I’d be mangled by huge blocks of ice and, oddly enough, crushed to death by a falling trash can. I’ve known Zelma all my life and yet I had no idea she had such in-depth knowledge of how to survive on a sinking ship. She says she learned everything she knows from the movie Titanic, but I think she’s taken it a little too far. At one point she was staring at the ceiling and murmuring to herself: “Yeah… The ceiling is definitely the only way to save ourselves…”

In other news, Zelma also developed magical powers during the cruise. She simply spoke the words “I bet someone is going to fall down these stairs soon.” And lo and behold, a little boy immediately came tumbling down the stairs and landed at our feet. I think he knew it was Zelma’s fault because he looked at her like she’d just pushed him down the stairs.

Most of the cruise we spent eating and drinking. I had lots of wine and even more food. The cheesecake was to die for. And I almost did. I think I might have had a small heart attack when I forced that last bite down. And in the restaurant there was a guy walking around, singing ‘O Sole Mio while wearing a fat suit dressed as a chef. Walt Disney himself couldn’t have done it better.

You know how they say that you’ll always hear the truth from children and retarded people? Yeah, well I don’t know what this says about Zelma and me, but we were stoned by a 2-year old. And not get-high-on-weed stoned either, but proper let-he-who-is-without-sin-cast-the-first-stone stoned. His follow-through wasn’t great, though. We survived. The kid should probably have used something bigger than pebbles to get the job done.

All in all it was a pretty uneventful cruise. We saw a little boy on girl action. A little boy on boy action. A LOT of girl on girl action. Fucking Line held true to its reputation and love was in the air.

Happy Valentine’s Day! *


  1. Yep, I agree, pretty uneventful for a fucking line cruise :D Saw nothing new, heard nothing new. Only thing I can't stop thinking about is does walking sticks have stomachs. Someone please answer that!
    P.S. My escape plans in case of an "omgtheshipissinking-emergency" were perfectly realistic! :D

  2. Zelma - Perfectly realistic? Your emergency plans included us doing a pretty decent impression of a monkey! Next time we go on a cruise I'm going to be in charge of drawing up the OMG-the-ship-is-sinking emergency plan. And it will include a lot less hanging in ceiling and a lot more running for our lives. And absolutely no falling trash cans.

  3. You show me how we are supposed to run when we are crawling on a leaning wall or standing on the windows (as you suggested :D)! I thought about it while staring at my homework for the fifth hour and came up with an even more brilliant plan! Next time we'll bring those kind of feet flies have, what are they called again? We put them on first thing after getting on borad in case we get too drunk to do it later. I realise the slight disadvantage of that on the tango dance floor... but better to be on the safe side.

  4. Zelma - Are you talking about those rubber cups at the end of a plunger? Because if you are, I am never going on a cruise with you again. :D

    Unless you find a way to make the rubber cups look fashionable. Paint them pink or something. We'll fit right in. We're just going to have to practice our tango beforehand while wearing the cups. Wow, for once you've actually come up with a decent plan.

  5. Exactly what I mean! We'll make sure they are fashionable. We could even pay your sister (in bottles) to design them. We could use one to put on our heads too. Much easier to dangle from the ceiling. After all the cheese cake we're probably too heavy for the chandeliers anyway. Can't wait to try this!

  6. Walking stick bugs are weirdly skinny, but they do have stomachs. They are notoriously finicky eaters, though -- what entomologists call "specialists."

    That said, one of the worst sleepness nights of my life was spent in a sleeper car travelling from Paris to Madrid. The damn train shuddered and shook to a stop every 10 minutes, waking me up. They should've called it a "waking car." And I didn't see any girls kissing, so it was a total bust.

  7. MikeWJ – You travelled on a train from Paris to Madrid and didn’t see any girl on girl action? Damn, you’re unlucky. I really feel for you. No sleep and no kissing girls. That’s a shitty night if there ever was one.

    Finally, my mind is at peace and Zelma and I can sleep at night. Walking stick bugs have stomachs. Thank you, Mike! Zelma’s been going crazy not knowing. And if I had a waist the size of a pencil I'd be a fussy eater too.

  8. I am unlucky, I guess. But I've never taken a trip on a Swedish fuck barge, either, so I guess there's still time for my luck to turn around.

  9. Thank you Ziva (and Zelma) for cheering me up with your ingenious emergency plans! I just heard something about Amorella crashing into another ship (or something) today, and Isabella being stuck in the ice? I wonder how many of the passengers that are right now rescuing themselves equipped with rubber cups on their feet...

    (And yes, I'm Anonymous, but I think you know me... think of Zeidi, and the mystery is history)

  10. Zeidi! I'm really happy you found your way to my blog. And I'm equally happy our deranged minds could give you a laugh.

    This ice thing is killing me. M and I had tickets to see Kent tonight, but since they shipped everything they needed for the concert with Isabella, they are stuck in the ice and won't make it. The concert is postponed til Sunday. Which, frankly, sucks ass. Hopefully they put plenty of rubber suction cups on the instruments. Just in case.



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