Saturday, February 20, 2010

Anything To Get Out Of Work

Today I spent three glorious hours in the emergency room. I was at work when my stomach suddenly started to commit hara-kiri. I had to leave the room, and the patient, and go to another room so I could pass out in peace. The nurses I work with made me lie down on the floor, legs up in the air. After I told them I was going to throw up from the pain, they also gave me a nice little bucket. I lay there for a while, probably looking a little pale, until someone said that they’re going to take me to the emergency room. That made me realize that the pain wasn’t so bad after all and that I was totally okay to work some more.

Regretfully, my stomach wasn’t quite agreeing with me even though I ordered it to stop making a fuss. I really hate it when my internal organs can’t take orders. When it became clear to the nurses that not only could I not work, but I actually couldn’t even stand up on my own, they decided to call an ambulance. At that, I shot up from the floor and started doing jumping jacks. Or more accurately, mostly just screamed “NO!” and stood up very slowly. Imagine, if you will, a very old lady who has trouble standing up and is bent at the waist and fighting to keep from passing out or throwing up. Yeah, that was me. I’m younger, though. Hardly old at all.

One of the nurses drove me to the emergency room and left me there to be manhandled taken care of by the doctor. He poked me and prodded me and interpreted my gasps of agony correctly as “some discomfort”. I wanted to tell him that a Chihuahua eating its way out from inside my body wasn’t just “some discomfort” but pretty much Alien in the making. I sort of lost my train of thought, though, as the doctor decided my stomach didn’t hurt quite enough, so he punched me in the gut to make it feel real. Then he shot me up with drugs and suddenly all was right in the world. It was like discovering Reese’s again. The little ponies that ate rainbows and pooped butterflies had suddenly been joined by fluffy bunnies with pink bows on their necks.

I had the privilege of peeing in a cup and then I got to go to sleep for an hour or so before the doctor came back and punched me in the gut again. This time, however, I was feeling no pain and laughed him in the face. I might have told him about the ponies and bunnies, I can’t remember. I slept a little more and then the doctor told me to jump up and down a little. I did, and apparently I passed the test because he then told me to go home and to come back if I suddenly developed a fever or the stomach pains got worse. He didn’t think it was my appendix, but I should still jump up and down every now and then to make sure. I can only assume that when you have appendicitis you are suddenly unable to jump because the appendix has taken over control of your jumping muscles.

In other news, true to my predictions, I’m considering an imminent relocation to Libya. Ever since December we’ve had steady cold-as-hell weather with a couple feet of snow. As I was watching the news today, I was greeted by a perky weather girl who said that on Sunday morning winter will start for real. The weather will get colder. I’m assuming it will reach absolute zero since it’s been pretty freaking close to that all winter. Just the other day I took a walk with my thermos of nitrogen, and when I opened the thermos the nitrogen had turned to liquid form. Yes, it was that cold. Also, on Sunday morning a new snow storm will arrive. Today’s snow storm that buried my car in snow in under an hour apparently didn’t count. I need a bigger snow brush. *


  1. That sounds horrible. The pain, the barfing, the weather. But you have to wonder about a doctor who makes you jump up and down to test you for an ailment. I've never been asked to do jumping jacks at the doctor's office, and nobody I know has, either. Weird. Second opinion time? Or are you feeling better now? Or are you feeling better, with a health glow to your skin and sudden craving for ice cream and pickles? Just askin'.....

  2. Mike - I had to explain your comment to M, who looked utterly horrified at the thought of a pregnancy. I'm going to start asking for ice cream and pickles just to freak him out.

    I feel much better today, thanks for asking. :) I've been taking it easy all day and so far no stomach pains. Which is good, because I haven't been jumping up and down like the weird doctor told me to do. Bad me.

  3. Oh, how I wish I'd been there to see M's ashen-white face. I love to watch grown men panic.

    Anyway, I'm glad you're feeling better. You should jump and down periodically just to amuse your friends, and to prove that you're 100 percent healed. Also, it's probably good for your health and cheaper than the club.



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