Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Old MacDonald Had a Farm, ee ii ee ii o

I’ve been away. Again. Not literally, just figuratively speaking. I know I promised I would never leave my blog for any length of time again, and I know that some of you even sent me worried emails asking me if I finally sought out professional help and am now locked into an asylum. However, I did not seek help. My absence can be explained by a far simpler reason.

I’m having a mid-life crisis.

It all started when I realized that on August 25 my blog will turn one whole year. It’s been a great year. I’ve made some amazing new friends; I’ve had a lot of fun writing, and even more fun reading other people’s blogs. But still one year seems like a very long time to do nothing but write about inane stuff and create horribly mediocre text. So I had something of an early mid-life crisis.

I cut off all contact with the internet. A huge storm helped with this. Then I bought a Ferrari, drove it into a tree, sold the Ferrari and bought a motorcycle instead. I drove the motorcycle into a ditch and recognized it for the stupid idea that it was. I then developed an acute case of alcoholism, drove away the wife and kids and sought help in AA. I bought a tinwhistle, learned to play Old MacDonald on it and joined a band that played Irish music. I then got kicked out of the band when I dressed up as a leprechaun for band practice, and threw the tin whistle into my new 42” flatscreen TV. I pleaded for the wife and kids to come back when I realized that no one was doing the dishes and then finally checked back with the internet.

What I’m trying to say is that I’m back. Figuratively speaking. *


  1. Oh Ziva! I've missed you so much! I was worried about the fires in Russia and you having to seek shelter in someplace like Romania to get away from the smoke. I was also worried that M had betrayed you and you were now trying to figure out what to do with his body. (I was going to come and help if need be.) I'm so glad you are back and please never again doubt that you are using time wisely with your marvelous posts. I live for them.

  2. Well there's your mistake. As someone who has sat in on a good number of Irish music sessions, I can confidently say that dressing up as a leprechaun around the Irish is never a good idea.

    Glad you're back. I've been suffering myself from a case of "what the hell am I doing and why am I writing this crap?"

  3. Linda: Russia is acting very well-behaved at the moment, keeping most of their fires to themselves. And I live on the western coast of Finland so the smoke doesn't really bother me. M hasn't betrayed me yet, but he is leaving for karate camp soon, leaving me alone for a week, so I might need your help with the body in a few days...

    Frank: Who knew the Irish were so uptight? I'm glad to be back, and just for the record, I always enjoy your "crap". ;)

  4. I'm so glad you're back. I heard that Bitler invaded Finland so I was a bit concerned.


  5. I figured that you'd gone underground in order to assassinate Vladimir Ladyzhensky by baking him in a Finnish sauna. It was a clever plot, too, making him look like a willing participant in a supposed contest that involves sitting in a sauna heated to 110°C (230°F), when in fact he was obviously a Russian spy sent to Finland by Vladmir Putin and friends to do some on-the-ground scouting in anticipation of the Motherland's next takeover of your country. Good work, agent Ziva, and please say hello to your wife and kids, who I was a little surprised to learn about here.

  6. I assume the wife and kids was figuratively speaking, or is there something I should know?

  7. Reffie: I'm so glad you're so glad that I'm back, because I'm so glad that I'm back too and that makes us both so glad. Which also makes me glad.

    MikeWJ: How on earth did you know about the assassination on Vladimir Ladyzhensky? Seriously though, I actually have a sauna post lined up as my next post because of Vladimir Ladyzhensky's inability to tolerate a little steam. The wife and kids say hello back.

    M: Wife? Kids? I don't know what you're talking about.

  8. Lemmikki! There you are! I am so relieved to see you, as are the kids. Why you would ever leave us in that ridiculous Ferrari is beyond me. Now help our eldest with his math homework, help our middle child with his 4000-word essay on "Why Finland is so much better than Russia", and change the little one's diaper. And please start supper while you're at it. And since you're not very busy, you might want to do a load of laundry. I'm taking $$ and your credit card to do a bit of shopping. I'll be back in time to kiss the kids good-night. Don't forget to give them their baths before bed. Love you :-)

  9. I know everything about Finland, remember?

    Good work, Agent Ziva. Your wife and kids, if they could only know, would be proud of what you've done for your country.

    P.S. -- If M gets too nosey, you know what you have to do.

  10. You mentioned leprechaun and I came this close to writing a limerick ---> | |

    But I can't. Too tired.

    Welcome back!

  11. Nicky: Damn woman. Where did I leave that motorcycle?

    MikeWJ: Poor M. One minute he'll be having a nice relaxing time in the sauna, and the next he'll be so relaxed he can hardly even feel his heart beat.

    mike: Oh pretty please, write a limerick! I mentioned the leprechaun just to get a limerick out of it.

  12. I missed your crazy ramblings. I was hoping they didn't put you on meds. What a relief. Glad you're back!

  13. Lauren: If they do put me on meds, I hope they have really good ones that make me have conversations with Elvis. That would be cool.

  14. Ok, here goes:

    Your blog is almost 1 year old!
    At least, that's what I am told!
    You mentioned a 'chaun!
    So this poem I will spawn!
    To be read but not to be sold!

  15. mike: Wonderful man, you wrote me a limerick and I only had to get down on my knees and beg for it! Thank you, it's perfect!

  16. Wow, that was random. Thank you for your input.



This blog uses the Disqus comment system. If you see this message, please wait until you see the Disqus comment form or refresh your browser. Comments posted here will not show up on the blog.