Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Mmm, roasted high jumper, my favorite!

I was recently watching the Sweden Battle. It’s an annual athletics international between Sweden and Finland, and I’d like to say that the athletics fight it out until there’s only one person left standing, but sadly they just give out points and the country with the most points wins. Boring!

Here’s what I’m suggesting; let’s make things a little more interesting. To start with, the 100 meter run is just ridiculous. It only lasts for 10 seconds and especially men will be ridiculously proud of themselves after finishing the run. It’s a lot like sex, actually. I’m suggesting that we make those 10 seconds count. Let loose a few lions on the track to chase the runners, the one who wins is spared, while the other ones become cat food. That way it would make sense to have an event as short as the 100 meter run – because by then the lions will surely have caught up with you.

The javelin throw could also be made more interesting. How about little animals, children and senior citizens running around in the field, and if you hit one you get extra points. Also, if you hit a kid or an animal in just the right spot, it will probably run in the other directions before it falls down dead, carrying your javelin that much further. Score! Avoid hitting the senior citizens, though, they are slow and will most likely just fall onto their back.

The steeplechase really needs a few alligators in the water jump, and the long jump could definitely benefit from a pit of hot coals instead of boring sand. Or why not a great empty abyss that you will fall into if you can’t jump far enough.

The pole vault is pretty manly as it is – I sure wouldn’t do it – but I know we could make it a little more interesting if we tried. Tall sharp spikes instead of a mattress perhaps? Maybe the spikes could come up at regular intervals and if you didn’t time your jump to perfection you would get impaled. And how about a little fire on the high jump bar?

Tell me you wouldn’t want to see that?

Like this, but more painful.


  1. Ziva, Sweetheart, you have been watching too much American TV. I'm worried about you. Back away from the television. Call that cable company and cancel the American programming. Just do it, Darling!

  2. Linda: Dammit, I knew there would be dire consequences when I started watching American TV, but I just couldn't help myself! Now I'm Amercanized and I didn't even realize it.

  3. I'm deeply disappointed to hear that your athletic competitions don't involve broadswords and crossbows, to be honest. When did your Viking lords and Valkyrie maidens become run-of-mill pussies? It's sad, I tell you, but I have to admit that your plan would liven things up a bit. I particularly like the 100-meter lion chase. I'll bet we'd see some new records set in that one.

  4. MikeWJ: Un until just a few years ago our athletic competitions were much more interesting; bludgeoning people to death, wife-throwing, moose-eating competitions... But then people started complaining about how it was "inhumane", "disgusting" and "against everything decent and holy in the world." You said it - pussies every single one of them.

  5. All excellent ideas. I loved the "a lot like sex" line although I shouldn't. In terms of the Javelin, I'always thought it would be much more interesting if it was the Javelin Catch. You'd save money on medals to be sure.

  6. OMFO! (Oh My Fucking Odin!) Modern people are so squeamish about a little bludgeoning and wife throwing these days. You can't even get to participate in a good pillage or decent beaver skinning anymore. This political correctness is taking all the fun out of life!

  7. nonamedufus: That's a wonderful idea! Obviously you'd only have one winner, but instead the bodies of the other athletics could be used for the podium.

    MikeWJ: We should organize our very own pillaging. I bet there's a village somewhere in Ukraine that's just begging for a good pillage.

    Jenn: I was procrastinating... I hate deadlines.

  8. Twisted. Love it! But I'd like to see them use skinny old ladies with pointy noses as javelins and hurtle them across drug store aisles toward the pharmacy counter. Whoever clears the counter and impales the cashier gets free meds and a hip replacement.

  9. Lauren: You have a sick mind; hip replacements are expensive! Love the idea, though. I have a feeling these games will be awesome.

  10. Ha, ha, ha!! You're truly are an evil penguin. Don't ever change.

  11. I'm thinking they should change that shot put to a mace. They can go after the javelin throwers and wipe out any remaining animals, seniors and kids.

  12. 00dozo: You know what they say, an evil penguin never changes its spots.

    Nicky: Great idea! And any kids, seniors or animals left standing after the shot put would be used as target practice for the guy with the starting pistol.



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