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Friday, April 16, 2010

We Said Cash, Not Ash!

I don’t know if you guys have noticed this, but the economy is sort of fucked up lately. Many countries are battling with lousy economy, unemployment and bad weather. But some countries have it worse than others. I’m of course talking about Iceland.

Iceland went bankrupt. Then the rest of Europe bought Iceland, as a friendly gesture, and then told Iceland that they really should pay for their keep. Iceland didn’t like this at all. Which is completely understandable, since they did have wonderful horses and shouldn’t really have to pay for themselves. But no one seemed to notice the lovely horses with all the talk about money, and poor Iceland felt like no one was listening.

So one day, Iceland decided it was payback time. The Icelanders chose the most beautiful girl form the village, a young blonde girl named Brynhildur Hjálmarsdóttir. Brynhildur had been a seriously ugly child when she was little, and as punishment, her mother had given her the name Brynhildur. It had meant endless teasing in school and countless hours of therapy with the village witch doctor. Luckily, Brynhildur grew up to be a beautiful young woman, but forever scarred by her horrible name, she was more than happy to carry out the honorable task that the village of Iceland had bestowed upon her.

So one sunny day in March of 2010, Brynhildur took her pet goat and hiked up the volcano on Eyjafjallajökull. She prepared for the sacrifice with utmost care. She combed the goat’s fur, painted its hoofs and made it look its best. Then she sent the goat back down and jumped into the volcano, performing the human sacrifice needed for the volcanic gods to take note and send reinforcements.


Not Brynhildur’s pet goat.

It so happens that the volcanic gods didn’t mind Brynhildur’s ugly name, and sent up reinforcements in the form of lava, fire and most importantly, ash. Lots of ash. So much ash, in fact, that almost every major airport in Northern Europe is now closed. Millions of travellers are stranded at airports, feeling sorry for Iceland angry and desperate. Weirdly, the huge ash plume has drifted away from Iceland and their airspace is now as clean as a baby’s bottom. They are free to travel wherever they want. Except Europe, but who’d want to go there anyway?


That volcano clearly ate something inappropriate last night.

I know you’re all worried, but fear not. There is no need to worry about us poor souls, stranded in Europe. We will be fine. As long as we don’t breathe the air. Or are too fond of sunshine. I’m a dark person, so I’ll be particularly fine. And I have Brynhildur’s pet goat to keep me company. *
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20 comments:

  1. hehe you have a goat..me like...
    I could have a penguin...me would like...

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  2. I'm so glad you explained why the volcano puked.

    I really thought the goat was a goner.

    ;-)

    If you'd like to get out, I'll send the Mother Ship to pick you up.

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  3. The volcanic ash was like the proverbial pie in the face. I love your fractured fairy tales.

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  4. Muschu - Do you think we could trade in the goat for a penguin?

    Reffie - When I can't find any more Reese's over here because none can be flown in from America, I'll be counting on you to send the Mother Ship.

    Lauren - Iceland should really stick to pie, ash leaves such a bad taste in your mouth.

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  5. Why am I secretly pleased it was the chick and not the goat that was the sacrifice! The explanation is magical, all the ash not so much! I really hope the ash all moves out to the middle of the ocean soon. Or even into outer space! ...Can we do that?

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  6. Welcome, Linda! Every story is better with a dead blonde, don't you think? (No blondes were killed in the making of this post. Not for real.) I'm sure we can get rid of the ash. Perhaps Obama can take it with him to Mars.

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  7. Just hold your breath and the ash cloud will be gone before you know it. If it's really ambitious, it may make its way to Canada to piss us off.

    P.S. Thank you so much for the award!

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  8. Mike - You're welcome! I'm pretty good at holding my breath, but if the ash doesn't move along in a day or two, I'll start turning purple. And purple is not my color.

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  9. Oh, and if that goat can't use some of his fur to filter the ash, I'd trade him in for a unicorn.

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  10. Ziva! *breathless* Sorry it's taken me so long to comment, but I've been madly packing my new backyard bunker with food, water, Coca Cola, my Lord of the Rings DVDs, my watch, stamp, action-figure and pin collections, several novels I started but never finished, and lots of guns and ammo. *still gasping for air* You need to take action, too! Right now! Gather up what's precious to you--Alfons, Maja, Squidward Tentacles, M, your old videotapes of MacGyver, any good girl-girl porn you have, several decaliters of Finnish vodka, your piano, your Kent CDs, Reese's peanut butter cups, and all the cookies you can carry--and get somewhere safe right now! This whole fucking Eyjafjallajökull thing is just the first sign that the world's about to unravel, starting with Europe and Scandanavia! Well, not the first sign. There were those earthquakes in Haiti, Chile, Alaska and China, so I guess this would be the fifth sign. Anyway, *now screaming!* RUN AWAY RIGHT FUCKING NOW! GET ON THE FIRST FLIGHT OUT OF FINL...Oh, shit. Oh, Ziva. I'm so sorry. Well, listen, I've really enjoyed getting to know you over the last few weeks. Brush up on your Icelandic as much as you can in the next few days or weeks so that you can say hello to Brynhildur Hjálmarsdóttir when you see her....I hope Asgard is as nice in spring as they say it is, and try to spend some time in Muspellheim--I hear it's warm there all the time, which would be a welcome relief from all the cold and snow you deal with in everyday life. Goodbye, sweet Ziva!

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  11. Mrsblogalot - Oh my god, I've always wanted a unicorn! I hear they're delicious!

    MikeWJ -

    *blink*

    *blink*

    I'm doomed, aren't I?

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  12. . . .

    You DO know I'm blond...and still alive...du YOU think the story of MY life is shit just because I'm still alive...and not DEAD!?!?

    Doom on you..
    Doom on you...
    Doom on you....
    Doom on you.....

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  13. Muschu - I was only joking, silly blonde. My life would be terribly boring without you. So take your dodos away from my blog, there will be no doom over here. Unless it starts to rain, in which case we will all end up like the dodos when the toxic rain destroys the last melon.

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  14. Out of curiousity, why is Muschu blonde and fair-skinned, while you're dark-haired and green? Also, it's nice of you to make your sister feel not so blonde, especially since all of Europe is doomed.

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  15. MikeWJ - Our mother had a short but intense affair with the Incredible Hulk about 13 months before I was born. When mom and dad saw me, green and dark-haired, they were distraught and immediately made Muschu. Muschu came out blone and beautiful and everyone lived happily ever after. Except me. Because I'm green.

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  16. I would guess that every affair with the Hulk is intense, short or not. Nevertheless, it explains a lot. Don't feel bad about being green and dark-haired. A lot of guys find dark-haired green women extremely hot. Most of them are very drunk or high on meth, but not all of them. I think I've mentioned before that you need to remember that Capt. Kirk was caught rolling around in the sheets with a very comely green-skinned woman in the new Star Trek movie, which I assume made its way to Finland sometime last summer or fall, or will this summer or fall if they ever resume flights. You should see it. It might be a real self-esteem booster, and we all need a little of that.

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  17. MikeWJ - Star Trek? I've heard about that. We're supposed to get the original 1960's series sometimes next year. I can't wait!

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  18. I'm so fucked when they link this back to the cigarette I threw in there.

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  19. Moooooog - I hear the prisons on Iceland are great. Very hot. You'll never be cold.

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