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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Boobquake Day

Yesterday might have been the best day ever. Not because I’m absolutely swamped with schoolwork and I didn’t even have the time to blog, but because yesterday was Boobquake Day. For those of you who don’t know why there were boobs on display everywhere, I’ll explain. See the thing is, with all this seismic activity nowadays, experts have been at a loss as to what causes these earthquakes and volcanic eruptions. But finally, the foremost expert has stepped forth and announced the cause of these natural disasters. Anyone care to take a guess on what the cause is?

If you answered breasts and women wearing low-cut shirts, showing too much skin, you were right. Women, with their promiscuous behavior and revealing clothes are spreading adultery in society and causing earthquakes, according to an Iranian cleric. I can’t believe it’s taken this long for someone to finally just tell it as it is. Of course earthquakes are caused by boobs, it makes perfect sense. I wonder what would happen if everyone showed their butt.

Just to show everyone that this Iranian cleric was indeed right, yesterday was declared Boobquake Day. Thousands of women bared their breasts in the name of science, aiming to show the world that disaster comes from pretty things. I even personally made sure to wear the most plunging neckline I could find. Katla will be going off any day now.

But I think my low-cut shirt yesterday made it difficult for M to think properly, because he was not making any sense at all:

Ziva (returning home from work): Jeez, there were cops everywhere, I had to drive like a common cuckoo.

M (staring at my cleavage and looking confused): A cuckoo?

Ziva
: Yeah, slow, you know?

M
: Do cuckoos drive slowly?

Ziva
: Well have you ever seen one speeding?

M
: Umm… No.

Ziva
: Well there you have it.

M
(looking very confused): Okay.

Ziva
: Why are you holding your passport?

M: I’m going to Sweden.

Ziva: Do you need a passport to go to Sweden?

M: No.

Ziva: So why the passport?

M
(still looking very confused): Well if you fly there they sometimes ask to see it.

Ziva
: Are you flying? I thought you were taking the boat?

M
: Umm, we are taking the boat.

Ziva
: So why the passport?

M: Just in case?

Ziva
: Going to Sweden is like going to Helsinki, they’re not going to ask you for your passport. I’m not even sure Sweden is a separate country. Now, you know where a passport should be required? When you go to that place you grew up in. I know it’s on Finnish territory and all, but no one should have to end up there by mistake.

M
(looking both confused and a little offended at the same time): You’re mean.

Ziva
: Yeah, and I drive like a cuckoo, I have no idea why you love me.

M
: Me neither.


The common cuckoo, albeit very pretty in a common kind of way, is a very slow driver.


M will be 26 on Monday, and I don’t have a present for him yet. Luckily, with him and his passport in Sweden, I have all the time in the world to find him a present. So today after school I went in search of a birthday present for him. I had a couple ideas about what to get him, and decided that I would not be allowed to buy anything else before I had found his present. I came home with new jeans, a new book, a banana and some roasted and salted macadamia nuts. No birthday present. This is what happens when you let a woman shop alone, I just walk around, with no goal, no plan and end up buying stuff for myself instead. I’m going to have to go back tomorrow with a proper game plan.

In, out, done.

Just like a man. *
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17 comments:

  1. The shopping story sounds kinda like when I try to shop something, wandering around for quite a while, without actually finding anything to buy at all.

    And I do agree that I never have seen a common cuckoo speeding. ;P

    I don't think the transcript of the dialog was totally accurate though, I know of a whole lot of reasons why I love you. :-)

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  2. M - Honey! They have internet in Sweden? I'm very impressed. It's the boobs, right? The reasons why you love me, I mean. The boobs and the cookies.

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  3. Gameface bro' Gameface!

    Why don't you just overspeed the slowdriving cuckoo and end it's misery as a slowdriver and...why look at that! - you have a nice little present to give to M at the same time! Taxidermed Cuckoo!

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  4. Muschu - That is a great idea! Except, of course, for the fact that first I'd have to kill a cuckoo, and then if I give M that taxidermed cuckoo, he's going to have to display it in his apartment, and since I'm living in said apartment I would have to look at the cuckoo, that I killed with my car, every single day. I don't want to wake up next to a dead cuckoo. But it would make an awesome pet!

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  5. ....overdriven rabbit is not nice

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  6. Muschu - You'd know... I'm just happy it wasn't my car. I'm pretty sure rabbit blood is bad for a car.

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  7. I know nothing of how it feals like to kill a rabbit...Nothing you hear me!!

    ....and I didn't notice the fur on my bumper...or the rattle of bones breaking...

    hrhrhrrr...oh the nightmares...

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  8. Ziva, my husband Alex was blathering on about the lady in the cat hat and saying that she was probably a pole dancer. (See, this is why I only half listen to him.) He then brought up that the President of Iran attributed all of the earthquakes to promiscuous woman. Uh huh. Alex then stated, "In this case, I think it may be true. Look at ROCKIN' JENNY!" Well, blow me down. Now you make me think he might not just be weird Alex after all. (But who the hell is Rockin' Jenny?"

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  9. I walked around shaking my boobs today. Cat ran away whining.

    Good Luck with the gift shopping.

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  10. I agree with the cleric that boobs cause quakes and eruptions, but not the kind he was talking about. Also, I wonder what disasters are caused by exposed penises? Floods? Tornados? Avalanches?

    It'd be pretty funny if California fell off the face of the earth in the next few days, wouldn't it? Everybody would become a Muslim.

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  11. Linda - I was going to say that maybe we should actually listen to our men every now and then, but then I realized what I was about say and luckily were able to stop myself in time. Listen to our men, ha!

    ReformingGeek - Cat's just jealous, I'm sure you looked really great, not to mention completely sane, walking around shaking your boobs.

    MikeWJ - Exposed penises? Blindness, for sure. And if California would fall off the face of the earth, I wouldn't become a Muslim. I would show my boobs some more, hoping that Iceland was the next to go.

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  12. Have none of you heard there was a 6.9 earthquake in Taiwan on that day?

    Wake up people! Don't you know by now that like Al Gore, Iranian clerics are always right? (Hey, their side has crazed radicals willing to blow us all up. Our side has sensitivity training. Who do you THINK I'm going to side with on this?)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Ziva showed cleavage and I missed it?!?!...

    Um, I mean...silly clerics. Everyone knows that earthquakes are caused as a result of religious zealots kneeling simultaneously and praying that they don't embarass themselves when they get up on account of that chick in front of them in the really hot burka. Duh!

    Happy birthday M. or should I say iloinen alku!

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  14. My ass crack being exposed was the cause of that volcano eruption in Iceland.

    My bad!

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  15. Thanks Nicky, or should I say, kiitoksia! ;-)

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  16. Frank - Good one! Taiwan... Like that's a real place. Those radicals might blow up Canada, but I live next door to Russia. No one is going to mess with Russia.


    Nicky - Damn those religious zealots, ruining it for everyone else. Don't worry about the cleavage thing, though, I'm sure it will happen again.

    Also, I had no idea you knew Finnish! Although, something leads me to believe you might have received some help from Google Translate... Given that you actually said "happy beginning", instead of "happy birthday (hyvää syntymäpäivää)" and all...


    Candice - No problem. But if boobs mean earthquake, and ass means volcano, could you please show some boob next time? That volcano is still going.


    M - Don't let it go to your head. Nicky is only being polite, she's into me, not you.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Damn, I actually thought I was saying "Happy I really dig your girlfriend day"

    Stupid Google translator!

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