Monday, April 19, 2010

I Found Nostradamus!

2 years ago, a man in Sweden stole 82 metric tons of railroad tracks, valued at 154.000 Swedish kronor. That’s about 5 dollars. He was later convicted of grand larceny and sentenced to 4 months in prison. The court held that there clearly had been intent to steal the railroad tracks, as the theft had demanded "extensive organizing and planning." I’d say. I couldn’t steal 82 tons of steel even on a good day. This guy had some real talent.

Up until now, no one really knew why he stole all that railroad track. It’s commonly known that Swedes do weird stuff, like eating 27-year old meat, so stealing 82 tons of railroad track was just explained with "he’s Swedish." Actually, if you ever see someone doing something really stupid, chances are he’s Swedish.

Or high.

Or both.

I wonder if all Swedes are high. That would explain a lot.

I’ve digressed. What I was saying was that no one could figure out what this guy needed the railroad tracks for. Until now. During the last few days, it’s become painfully obvious. He’s the new Nostradamus. 2 years ago, he foresaw not only the economic crisis, but also the subsequent Icelandic revenge. He knew that we wouldn’t be able to fly anywhere, and he did what anyone with half a brain would have done. He stole his very own railroad track. He can go wherever he wants! I bet wish you had your own set of railroad tracks now, don’t you? There’s nothing stopping him now.

Except water. That’s going to be a problem.

Nostradamus never had any problems with water.


  1. The guy was clearly smart, although not smart enough to get away with it.

    But I'm trying to figure out HOW he stole 82 metric tons of steel rails. You'd need a really big truck for something like that. Or a train. Or lots and lots of Swedish accomplices, and I doubt anybody could organize that many Swedes unless you tricked them into it by saying there'd be free beer at the end.

    Anyway, I'm surprised Magnus Nostradamus was convicted in the first place. Wasn't he just practicing an extreme form of Allemansrätten, the unwritten Swedish rule that says everybody has a right to enjoy the fruits of the land regardless of ownership? I think he was railroaded....

  2. P.S. -- I have to say that 27-year-old meat sounds even worse than 1,000-year-old eggs, which are a delicacy in China, or decades-old Twinkies, which are a peculiar American treat.

  3. Seems silly to steal train have to know the authorities will be able to "track" you. Sigh. Sorry, I'm tired.

    But what I really want to know is: was the meat organic?

  4. It sounds like he needed to steal a few ships, too.

    Good one, Ziva, good on!

  5. Clearly he foresaw the grounding of all those airplanes due to that unpronounceable Icelandic volcano. Now he's Mr. Popularity with all his railroad tracks.

  6. Did he forget to steal his own train? Did I miss that part?

  7. Jenn - I'm so happy you're here! I have to say, I'm not nearly as silly as those Swedes. They're ridiclous.

    MikeWJ - Allemanrätten actually applies to not only Sweden, but also Finland, Scotland, Norway and Iceland. Mostly, you're just allowed to walk in other people's woods, pick a few berries and organic all-natural mushrooms, and camp for a couple nights. But on Iceland, you're also free to take as much ash as you want. It's pretty neat. What I don't think, however, is that 82 tons of steel rails falls under that. Unless steel rails grow wild in Sweden. Then it would be okay.

    I have yet to figure out how he did it. I can only assume he bribed a couple hundred Swedes to help him. Not with beer, mind you, but with really fancy, highly metrosexual, scarves.

    Nicky - "Track you." Ha! Good one. I'm sure the meat was not only organic, but also alive. Again. And it could probably have been used as panicillin at that point.

    ReformingGeek - It sounds like he needs to steal a brain. Thank you, I always enjoy making fun of Swedes.

    Mike - Don't you just hate it when some schmuck like him gets all the chicks, just because he stole a few tons of steel?

    Moooooog - I'm pretty sure he's renting. Everyone rents in Sweden.

  8. By definition, aren't all male-worn scarves metrosexual?

  9. I can't quite get a grip on 82 metric tons. We tried to switch over to the metric system decades ago but all the third grader's parents revolted and it was tossed out. Is 82 metric tons like a couple of ounces or pounds or something?

  10. MikeWJ - Of course they are, but Swedes wear them exceptionally well.

    Rena - Ha! That's brilliant. I found this site the other day, and the pictures are truly amazing. In a horrific, we're all going to die soon kind of way.

    Jen - Don't worry, I'm really good with conversions. 82 metric tons is the equivalent of 7.5 elephants. The big African kind, not the tiny Asian kind. That's hardly even an elephant, don't you think? Anyway, 7.5 elephants should be about 3 gallons. I'm pretty sure.



This blog uses the Disqus comment system. If you see this message, please wait until you see the Disqus comment form or refresh your browser. Comments posted here will not show up on the blog.