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Friday, January 27, 2012

Women, Can't Live With Them, I Recommend You Live Without Them


M and I have lived in sin for about two years now, and I think the arrangement has generally been a great success. But today M did something that he’s never done before. He offered to vacuum without me nagging on him first. And as realization hit me, I was horrified. M is living with a woman, and it has broken him.

See, the thing is, I’ve lived with a woman. I know what it’s like. And I don’t recommend it. First, there’s the constant fighting over who cleans what. Women suffer from the ridiculous illusion that a house needs cleaning at least once a week, whether it’s dirty or not.

And when you’re living with a woman, slowly but surely every single surface in the house begins to fill with useless crap. In every damn corner there’s a plant in a cute teddy bear pot, and thousands of useless items meant solely for decoration, “I just had to buy this porcelain frog; it goes so well with the curtains.” And the curtains, carpets, bedding and towels all change once a week into a new and improved pastel color.

Kiss me!

The bathroom cabinets are so full with products it’s a miracle if you can find your toothbrush; there’s hairsprays, lotions, weird soaps you’re not allowed to wash your hands with, and every person needs their own towel to dry their hands with. And if by some miracle you can find your toothbrush, you sure as hell can’t find anything else, because nothing ever stays in the same place for longer than a week. You’re supposed to leave your keys in the tiny pink key cabinet, but of course you won’t be able to do that, because even Barbie couldn’t fit her keys in that cabinet, so you’re really keeping your keys in a smelly old tin (got it at the flea market) with a lid that’s impossible to open. And the tin is kept on a dresser in the hallway, but even the dresser won’t stay in the same place for very long. “Hmm, let’s try it over there in the corner... no it doesn’t go with the cat statue, how about over there? No, the feng shui isn’t quite right..”

Smelly old tins.

You can never watch hockey, because oh my god, Sex and the City is on! And on the tv there’s scented candles. Actually, there’s scented candles on every horizontal surface, but whatever you do, do not light them because then they won’t look pretty anymore.

You can never have friends over without first baking and cleaning so people won’t think your apartment is a mess. And when you have people over, you have to drink your coffee or tee from tiny little pretty cups and asking for more is rude, and so is saying no thank you when actually offered a refill. And the coffee isn’t kept in its original packaging, no. It’s in a separate jar, as is everything else. Sugar, flour, salt and rice, everything has its own little jar that is incredibly unpractical and “so pretty!” And those jars keep moving around in the kitchen until you’re just choosing a jar at random and hoping for the best. Even the content of the jars change once a week.

Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan will be your new best friends, because every movie you’ll see is a romantic comedy, and because it’s completely impossible to watch a movie without doing your nails, washing your hair or writing a blog post at the same time, you’re continuously answering questions like “Who’s that?” “What’s he doing now and why can’t that guy in Seattle just take a sleeping pill?” And while you’re watching your romantic comedy you’ll hear all about what her friends did this weekend, and why their boyfriends didn’t like it.

In short, living with a woman sucks.

And now M’s living with a woman. Poor guy.
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36 comments:

  1. Age helps women get over a lot of this.  I find that I'm wanting to down size more and more and I don't have as much 'stuff' on every surface as I once had.  Even though I used to move furniture on a regular basis, I always have had 'a place for everything and everything in it's place.'  I can be 100 miles away from home and direct The Husband to the exact place where the {insert object here} is.  He finds it amazing that I'm able to do that.  

    Also, I will watch a hockey game over a romantic comedy every. single. time.

    ( but, truth be told, women can be real bitches to live with.  ;))

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  2. I'm going to tell you a secret, promise not to tell anyone, okay? *whispers* I prefer hockey, too. And I don't really own a frog.

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  3. I love sports and hate "chick flicks".  Give me shoot 'em ups any day. Alex and I used to fight about housekeeping.  Now we have a housekeeper.  Much more sensible.  I doubt M dislikes one thing about living with you, Ziva.  But I don't have a lot in the way of ceramic frogs.  Maybe I'm a boy.

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  4. M has been broken and vaccums? I'm totally jealous.
    You've lived with a woman? You've broken my heart.

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  5. For as long as I have known my girlfriend I have been saying, "I can't wait to see The Muppet movie." This weekend I was given a choice, Iron Lady or My Week With Marilyn. I guess I'll watch The Muppets on DVD.

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  6. You're doomed, I'm telling you. It's all over now. I'm still trying to convince M we need to go see the new Mission Impossible movie, but he's been glued to the vacuum cleaner for days now.

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  7. I don't know, Linda, maybe you are? Have you taken a good look between your legs lately? Maybe you grew a pair and didn't even notice it. ;)

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  8. Actually, I let other people take a good look for me.  They all say it's adorable and darling and very feminine.  Sort of like a little flower, i guess.

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  9. Uh oh.  Now tell me you haven't been taking little shots of testosterone when nobody's looking.

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  10. It's not because I like using it... I think the superglue you put on it might have something to do with it.

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  11. Uh huh, so tell me, if I superglued you to the vacuum, how is it you're able to type?

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  12. That's what they say about the ladyboys in Thailand, too. ;)

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  13. Testosterone? They told me it was heroin!

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  14. What's weird, Ziva, is that I saw a post op man to woman who was an exotic performer.  She was PERFECT.  One would have never guessed she was ever a male.  I don't think anyone would have wondered even under the closest examination.

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  15. Silly girl, you must have misunderstood.  We all know you are a heroine (as in female hero), but heroin?  Naw.

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  16. Linda, I love you, but you have the weirdest taste in porn. Or was this a live show?

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  17. I do have weird taste in porn, but I thought everybody did.  This was actually a documentary on post op people.  Not kinky, but very explicit.

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  18. After quite some trying, I've learnt typing with my toes.

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  19. Hey! Where did my comment go?! I left a comment yesterday and now it's gone. What the hell? Sigh. Basically, I was jealous over your ability to break M and devestated by the knowledge that you lived with another woman.

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  20. "Women suffer from the ridiculous illusion that a house needs cleaning at least once a week"

    Um… I clean my house three times a week.  Clearly I have issues.  And I light all of my scented candles.

    But the rest of this blog post 100% true.

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  21. Yes, we women live with FAR too many products.  AGREED!

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  22. I guess maybe Disqus got hungry and decided it was a really yummy comment?

    Anyway, maybe you and I should get together to break Jepeto? I'm sure we could do it together, girl power and all that. And don't worry, gorgeous, she didn't even come close to you in awesomeness.

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  23. I know, right? And even though I KNOW I don't need something, I'll still get it, just because. Crazy women. ;)

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  24. You clean your house three times a week? Will you come live with me? Pretty please?

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  25. Oh dear.  Your description of what women are like makes me wonder if I'm actually a man.  Ha!  Not.  I'm probably just an alien.

    Poor M.

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  26. Your description of what women are like makes me think I must be a man.  Ha!  Not.  I must be an alien.

    Poor M.

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  27. "Two women fighting over who gets to clean" really got me going. I was thinking of broaching this to Mrs Dufus. But then I read the rest of your post. You know what I say when my wife asks"What's on TV?" Dust.

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  28. Apparently, I need help training my husband.  He always wins the movie selection argument.

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  29.  Yes, more training is exactly what you need! And maybe a little electric shock therapy. I'd help you, but you might be better off finding a professional closer to you. ;)

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  30.  I don't think you're an alien, I think Evil Twin might be rubbing off on you, ;)

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  31. You should be seriously worried, it will all be downhill from here. First, M will start buying cute little pots to put anything in that currently doesn't have its own cute little pot. Fine, you say, at least it will all look pretty, but when you realise he has had to use fifty pots to contain all his cornflakes you'll start to go mad. When each TV remote has its own little pot then you'll tear your hair out.

    But the main problem is that usually a man counters female madness by getting rid of the clutter. If not at the very least the female can normally escape from the dinky little flower pots by hiding in the man cave. *ahh, the heavenly man cave where everything makes sense*

    “Hmm, let’s try it over there in the corner.." sums up the female mind pretty well. I spend most of my life moving furniture around. Just think of the mahem when you are both doing this.

    At some point in the not-too-distant future you'll catch M doing his nails in front of Sex and the City.

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  32. Oh god, the TV remotes need their own pots? Doing his nails?? Sex and the City???

    Fuck, I need a man cave.

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