Pages

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Vegetable Friday FTW!

I’ve been told you’re never supposed to apologize on the internet. Suffice it to say that after my last post I was so embarrassed by all the cat pictures that I fell into a deep depression, drank all the vodka I could find, moved on to the fine wine, then the not-so-fine wine, polished off the absinthe and the gin, moved on the fruitier liqueurs and finished my binge with a very nice pear cognac. Then I went to the liquor store and really got started.

I woke up three weeks later, disoriented and broke and with a strange sense of déjà vu. Gingerly, I set out to make things right again. I sold the Russian mail order bride, recycled all the empty bottles, threw out the very exotic collection of roadkill that had somehow appeared in my apartment and fed the cats with some old pizza I found under the couch.

Then I opened my laptop and realized I’d missed about a year’s worth of blog posts (how is that even possible when I wasn’t away for more than a couple of weeks?) I closed the laptop, baked a mudcake, ate it with some ice cream and a nice glass of wine, and opened the laptop again. Before the week is over, I will have read all some of the blog posts that I’ve missed. You have my very questionable word on it.

And now for something completely different. In God’s chosen land, the land of over-sized everything, of ridiculous lawsuits, turducken and Arnold Schwarzenegger, in the land where it’s perfectly legal to be Sarah Palin, pizza is now a vegetable. At least if we ask Congress.

This got me thinking about a conversation Mike and I had a couple of days ago. It went a little like this:

Mike: Finland was mentioned on the most recent episode of Parks & Recreation. One of the characters traded all of Finland's boring stuff for lions at a mock UN conference. Funny.

Ziva: Sounds great.

Mike: It's very funny. I think so, anyway. They'll probably cancel it next week. Not Finland. The show. I'm sure Finland won't get cancelled for a long time. But if I hear anything, I'll let you know so you have time to pack.

Ziva: I think they’ll cancel America way before they cancel Finland; God knows America jumped the shark about three Presidents ago.

Mike: No shit. Did you know America's never mentioned in the Book of Revelation? It doesn't even figure into The End of Days. And yet we think we're so important. Some of us do, anyway. Not me.

Mike, my other American readers, you better start packing cause any country that declares pizza a vegetable is about one bad plot twist away from being cancelled. On the plus side, I hear Canadians are really nice to foreigners.

Lions, way more interesting than all of Finland's boring stuff.
*
Share/Bookmark

26 comments:

  1. I love your cat photos.  But then I love wine and gin too.  I also love lions.  Particularly, I love lions in love like those two appear to be.  I love pizza too, but I like brick oven pizza with pepperoni on it.  I understand that I can become a vegetarian by eating that.  Lord knows we could use more vegetarians in this country. Is that Cheesy Mike you're talking to?  He doesn't really sound Canadian, do you think?

    ReplyDelete
  2. If only they named pizza a vegetable when I was a kid. Eight portions a day? No problem. As it is pizza enters my list of Top 5 favourite foods - twice. 

    ReplyDelete
  3. Of course we're nice to foreigners, especially the Finnish. But Americans aren't foreigners and we have something special planned to annoy them on Thanksgiving. We've convinced Detroit to have Nickelback play at half-time during the nationally televised Lions and Packers game. That ought to really piss them off. Buy American, eh? Ha!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm so glad Finland wasn't cancelled.  I was worried.

    I think Finland declared gin a protein at some point. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Mike is Canadian, but he likes to put on stockings and a garter belt and pretend he's an American woman named Mike. I think Mike is a weird name for an American woman, but there's no accounting for Canucks.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This post raises several questions:

    1) What's the going rate for a second-hand Russian mail-order bride, and where do you sell them?

    2) Doesn't déjà vu always feel strange, or was this an especially strange form of déjà vu?

    3) Were you aware that this post not only features some mighty fine lion porn *rawrr!* but also mentions, cats, sharks, turkeys, ducks, chickens, and some kind of crazy assortment of road kill? It's like reading National Geographic, emphasis on graphic, of course.

    ReplyDelete
  7. You obviously didn't sober up completely before you sold off the bride because I'M NOT RUSSIAN!! And the "oil sheikh" you sold me to is really just a crazy homeless guy in a bathrobe. AND he wants the bottle of gin he paid you for me back. Seems *someone* exaggerated slightly when she told him I was "pure".

    ReplyDelete
  8. If you have seen Mike's fine fine legs, you'd know he could pull that off without a hitch.  And Mike might be the favored new baby name for girls after everyone gets to admire those gams.  (He's a biker, Michael.  Remember how good yours used to look when you rode?)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I do remember how good my legs looked when I cycled. So do a lot of other people. And as far as I'm concerned, CheesyMike's a good-looking guy, in or out of stockings.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh, he's a stunner.  But then, so are you.   And I don't really care about man legs, but his are good.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I loved the cat photos too, Linda. And vodka!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh, honey, I'm so sorry, I thought the crazy homeless guy was wearing a proper coat; had I known it was a bathrobe I would never have sold you to him. I must have been really drunk. Will you forgive me and come back to me?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Wow, Mike, your reading comprehension is just amazing! You got all the animals right!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh yes, gin is a protein, as is vodka. And us Finns, we take our protein very seriously.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I love it! Next year, send Celine Dion.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I love pepperoni pizza but if I become a vegetarian by eating it, I'm not sure it's worth it. And nope, he doesn't sound very Canadian at all, mostly, I assume, because it's the very American and bony Hungry Mike, not Cheesy Mike I'm talking to.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'm not quite sure what you two are talking about, but if we're comparing legs, I think Jepeto has a damn fine pair.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I had pizza today. Just thought I'd share with a fellow pizza lover. It was pepperoni.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Well, that explains it then.  Cheesy Mike does sound a little Canadian.  Bony Mike just sounds hungry.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Says it in French, too. Women love French-speaking men with great legs.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Did you save me a piece? My local pizza place, not the best pizza ever but passable, makes a decent "Mexican" pizza. So when I am not in the mood for the usual Pepperoni & Green Pepper I go for that. Ground beef and hot peppers.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Oh yay! If pizza is a vegetable, and vodka is a protein, I am the healthiest person alive!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Yep, we did jump the shark.  But the sharks had the last laugh and have been feasting on the middle-class ever since.   I don't think Finland is boring.   

    ReplyDelete

Stop!!

This blog uses the Disqus comment system. If you see this message, please wait until you see the Disqus comment form or refresh your browser. Comments posted here will not show up on the blog.