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Monday, January 10, 2011

1.1 -11

Yep, that’s right. M and I are getting married. Not today or tomorrow, and maybe not even next week, but it’s not entirely unlikely that it might possibly maybe happen next year. Or the year after that. We spent New Year’s Eve at a seaside Spa Hotel, enjoying the pool and sauna and each other’s company. As the fireworks signalled midnight, M went down on one knee and I started the new year by promising to love him forever. Not a bad start to 2011, if I do say so myself. And then as we watched and listened to the fireworks, M showed his romantic side and succumbed to an occupational hazard.

M: The picture and the audio are out of sync.
Z: Must be a faulty wire somewhere.

Enough with the romance, this post is clearly lacking some hate. Luckily, I can muster up some hate almost anywhere, anytime. Today I hate snow. We have tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons of it. It’s everywhere, and it’s especially there if there’s where you had planned to drive your car through. And I hate all the adjectives people use when describing snow. White. Pristine. Fluffy. Soft. Delicate.

Definitely not fluffy or soft, but I made it myself so you better have something nice to say about it.

Let me tell you, there is nothing white about snow unless you live in the country and travel by horse drawn sled, in which case the snow will still probably be more yellow than white. Anywhere else it’s brown or grey and looks a little like huge piles of you-know-what. And there is nothing fluffy and soft about snow. Try driving your car through snow that has melted once and frozen again. It’s like driving your car through rocks, shaped like fluffy snow. And let me tell you, it’s never fun to drive through rocks shaped like fluffy snow, because while they might look all nice and fluffy, they still have most of the original undesirable attributes of the rocks that look like actual rocks, like, for instance, the ability to scratch away paint from the surface of your car with little or no effort. And it just won’t stop coming down. Wherever I look there’s another cloud ready to puke its fluffy white guts out on Turku.

Don’t get me wrong, I like the general idea of snow, in theory. But I can’t help but notice that it seems like the execution generally leaves a bit to be desired. Snow really shouldn’t reside in the streets, for example. Likewise, rooftops are bad places for snow, because it will inevitably fall down and kill someone.

That’s right, snow kills. Think of that next time you whine about wanting a white Christmas. *
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24 comments:

  1. My best friend and his wife also got their start on New Year's Eve, and in no time at all I ended up putting on a suit and serving as his best man at their wedding. It's a dangerous holiday, and I don't really understand why. It's just a day like every other day, arbitrarily chosen to signify the start of the new year. So what? But in all the excitement, people get a little tipsy and then they get a little kissy and pretty soon they're rolling around naked in the confetti and glitter, and confessing their undying love for one another while they exchange bodily fluids like cheap champagne.

    It's really quite wonderful, isn't it?

    Anyway, I love your show lantern. I love snow. In fact, I'm going to write a post about snow.

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  2. I should probably point out that although I don't have any previous experience as a bride's maid, I believe my stints as groomsmen and a best man give me the knowledge I need to be your bridesmaid. I can help you be on time, help you dress, help you arrange your hair, handle the other bridesmaids both before and after the ceremony, and make sure your wedding gifts aren't taken by your light-fingered relatives. Also, I look good in chiffon. I'll leave it up to your sister, who's a designer, but something like this would be nice:

    http://www.macys.com/catalog/product/index.ognc?ID=359150&cm_mmc=Google_Feed-_-4-_-34-_-MP434

    or maybe this:

    http://www1.bloomingdales.com/catalog/product/index.ognc?ID=467298&cm_mmc=Froogle-_-n-_-n-_-n

    or, depending on what kind of wedding you're planning, perhaps this:

    http://www.comparestoreprices.co.uk/lingerie-and-nightwear/mimi-holiday-delicate-pure-chiffon-silk-knicker.asp

    Just let me know. I'm flexible.

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  3. I don't give a flying fluff of snow about a white Christmas. Sheesh. ;-)

    I'm sorry Mother Nature has vomited all over Finland and the deep south here in the US. Talk about NOT prepared for it. That would be the deep south.

    I can't wait to see Mike as a bridesmaid.

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  4. I understand your love-hate relationship with snow. It's all fine and dandy until you have to move around in it either by foot or by car. What makes me mad is when the streets are so slippery, you can't go fast enough to unsquare your tires and you end up spilling your to-go coffee all over your lap.

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  5. Snow is cold and makes me fall on my ass. Rather, that's likely snow's cousin ice. A good friend of mine got married on New Year's Eve. That way you never forget an anniversary unless you're drunk.

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  6. There is NO WAY you are choosing MIKEWJ over me as your maid of honour. He can't even spell honour and he's supposed to be 1/2 Brit!!

    He can't even relate to one million snow. Ok, so it's not his fault there's a drought in Colorado. Whatever.

    Hey, who told you how you can be all skinny for your wedding day?! I'm even willing to send you a pukey kid if you can't find one of your own.

    And as if all that wasn't enough. One word.

    Shoes.

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  7. She won't need your pukey kid. She's in love, and she'll get one of her own soon enough. And, anyway, Ziva already gave me the job one post ago. I was quite honored. U weren't.

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  8. I wish you two kids wouldn't start squabbling and jockeying for position. This is such a romantic and wonderful event. Can't we all just get along? I think you will look lovely in that red chiffon number Michael. And Nicky and I will be stunning in our leather mini skirts. It's all good! (Ziva, please don't get married someplace snowy and outdoors.)

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  9. Yeah, if we had snow like you have snow - I would probably hate it too. However, from that photo it appears you are an expert snowball maker.

    And since Linda, Nicky & Mike will all be at your wedding may I please be invited too?

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  10. Yay! We're all going to Finland to watch Z & M get married!

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  11. Z & M....is that anything like S & M?

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  12. Actually, Nicky, it's more like B & D, or M & M.

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  13. kisi han lite i byxona då han fråga?

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  14. MikeWJ: See, New Year's Eve is magical.. You should wear that last one to my wedding, I really like it. And you'll look great next to Nicky and Linda in their black leather outfits. We'll of course have to have a separate ceremony for you guys, I can't have you and my family attend the same ceremony if you're going to be wearing lingerie and fighting with Nicky. But I'm looking forward to you arranging my hair, that should be interesting.


    Nicky: Of course you'll be my maid of honour. Mike will be my maid of honor. It's a completely different job, obviously.


    Linda: While we sometimes get snow in June, I'm pretty sure you'll be alright in a miniskirt. I mean, you'll still be wearing a down jacket, right?

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  15. Reffie: I'll have to take lots and lots and pictures of Mike as a bridesmaid. It'll be fun, I've never seen a skeleton in a chiffon dress before.


    00dozo: I always love the first snow of the winter. I can only assume I suffer from summer-induced amnesia because how could I possibly forget how much I hate snow?


    Lauren: Ice sucks even more than snow. I'm loving the whole New Year's Day anniversary thing we have going on. I have never remembered an anniversary yet, while M remembers everything.


    Meleah: Anyone who would be willing to pay for a ticket to Finland and travel for 20-some hours is extremely welcome to my wedding. Start making plans!

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  16. Muschu: Nä, int ens lite. Jag vet, det är jag som tvättar våra kläder.

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  17. Mmmm.. M&M... I need chocolate.

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  18. Snow Kills! It also sucks when there's a lot of it.

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  19. Honour, honor. You know why I love you, Ziva? Because you're so fucking smart, that's why. Anyway, I think Nicky and I can get along now, plus my red outfit and her black outfit will look really good together. You and M could even have a black and red wedding. You know, like Satan.

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  20. I translated Muschu's phrase, and it came out like this: "Kishi he bit into byxona when he ask?"

    This sounds really dirty, which I assume it is because you're Europeans. My interpretation of it is that M had to bite your ass when he asked you to marry him. It's an old Finnish custom, right?

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  21. What are you talking about Michael? You didn't bite Kerry's ass when you asked her? How could you not know this was a sacred ritual performed in all countries?

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  22. Boom Boom: Yes, snow not only kills, it also sucks! You're so right.


    MikeWJ: I ran the idea of a Satanic wedding by M and he started laughing like crazy. I think he really liked the idea.

    And just for the record, M did not bite my ass when he asked me. We were outside in the snow and it was just too cold for ass-biting. Maybe next time.

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  23. Greetings, Happy Monday! Blessings…

    Friendship Awards, Enjoy!
    Thanks for the support, You Rock!
    xxx

    ReplyDelete

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