Wednesday, December 22, 2010

My Career as a Weather God Was Surprisingly Short

Remember how I told you I would turn winter into summer, much like Jesus turned water into wine, simply by affecting my own body temperature using a sauna? I thought it was a foolproof plan for sure. Apparently it wasn’t.

-17.5 °F

You should probably stop calling me Zeus now.

At the moment M and I have packed all our Christmas presents and made our way to M’s parents’ house in Kristinestad. Unfortunately we had to turn back after an hour of driving when we realized that we probably needed something more than just the Christmas presents with us. Like a change of clothes and some deodorant. Definitely some deodorant.

When we arrived, the entire family was deeply engrossed in the paper. They read it like they’ve never read it before, and so, M and I decided we needed to get out of the house before we’d even spent 24 hours there. So after breakfast this morning, we dragged our asses to the car and went for a little road trip.

The most exciting thing all day turned out to be when M actually got to turn the wheel. This part of the country is famous for its very long stretches of completely straight roads.

6.5 miles of straight road. It was fascinating.

Then we almost ended up in the ditch when the road suddenly made a sharp right hand turn without signaling first.

It was light out when we left, but at 2:30 pm the sun slowly started sinking lower and lower in the sky.

And by 3 pm there was no more light. Actually, this picture was probably taken at 4 pm, but officially the day ended at 3 pm, so that’s the story I’m sticking with.

Now, if you’re reading this, you’ve come to the end of this post. If you’re still reading, that means you’re probably a little bored, because who the hell would continue reading after the end of a post anyway, and if that’s the case, which I assume it is since you’re still reading, you should head over to Mike’s place and be bored there instead. Mike is celebrating his 51st birthday today and is throwing a party. Whatever you do, though, do not forget to bring a gift!


Seriously, go.

There is no more post.

Stop reading! *


  1. I love this post, and not only because it mentions me. It has a certain linear quality to it that I find very appealing, especially when I feeling a little squirrely, which I am today for some reason.

    Anyway, I'm glad to know Kerry and I aren't the only ones who forget stuff and have to turn around. And I'm also glad to know that I'm not the only one who's ignored by my family. Additionally, I'm quite excited to hear that people still read the newspaper, if only as a way to avoid talking to their loved ones.

  2. MikeWJ: Squirrely? Imagine that. I should have given you a newspaper for your birthday, if for nothing else than as a way for you to ignore your eight kids. Alas, it's too late now. It's way past midnght over here. No more celebrating you and giving you gifts.

  3. I wasn't aware that there were turn signals built into the roads in Finland. Maybe the bulbs burned out? They (the bulbs) don't last forever, you know.

    You wanna talk about straight stretches of highway, and I'm talking long, boring, 'nothing-to see-here' roads?!? Try taking a car trip from Winnipeg to Calgary. I barely lasted two hours at a time without almost falling asleep.

    Sounds like you made your destination safely. Happy Holidays to you, M and your family!

  4. wha? Thish ishn't the baffroom. I was over at Mike's party and *hic* needed to pee and now I'm in Finland. WTF? Mike, dude, where'sh the can?

  5. Nicky, just find a place to snuggle in for the night. The sun going down at noon kind of tells me it's time for bed now. Honey, you should have let Jepeto drive (or not, maybe). Kiss the gorgeous Ziva goodnight for me.

  6. Ziva, this is a little strange and a lot wonderful. I'm not sure why it's so good, but it is.

  7. It's really that dark at 3pm? Wow. How depressing! And I thought it was too dark at 5pm here in NJ.

    PS: My father is FAMOUS for forgetting things. Sometimes he comes back to the house 3 or 4 times before making it to his final destination.

  8. @ Nicky -- Fuck if I know where the can is, toots. Last thing I remember, I was at a party winding my pocketwatch, and then I ended up here, in a country with the coldest weather and straightest roads on the planet. At least there's plenty of vodka. And cookies. I think you can just pee anywhere, by the way. They are Europee-ans, after all. And it's not like you'll be seen by anybody but reindeer.

    @ Ziva -- Wow, it hits midnight and the whole fucking thing's over just like that, huh? I thought you Europeans had more stamina than that and took any chance you could get to party. Usually naked. Is it because I drew too much attention to my own self yesterday, or because I spelled squirrely wrong earlier?

  9. @ Linda -- I agree with you. There's something about this post.....

  10. 00dozo: You know, you're right, someone should really check those bulbs. Happy Holidays Double-O, I hope you don't have to drive from Winnipeg to Calgary.

    Nicky: Please don't pee on my area rug.

    Linda: It's probably the cookies. They're hash cookies. Dutch recipe.

    Meleah: Yep, it's really that dark at 3pm. And the sun doesn't rise until 10am, so winter in Finland is not your thing if you like sunlight.

    MikeWJ: Well, in all honesty I just didn't have any more money to buy you more gifts. Usually we party for a whole week. Seldom naked, though.

  11. Poor down the bottle, Mike. Sheesh. You are really having some problems with this 51 thing. I can only imagine the shape you were in last year.

    Ziva. I'm staying in Texas. We are expecting a high of 47F today. Brrr. It was 84F two days ago. On the other hand, it could snow next week. Crazy.

    Stay warm and amused.

    Merry Christmas!

  12. Reffie: I try not to think about what shape Mike will be in next year when he'll be *gasp* 52. If I were you I'd stay in Texas too. Very smart move. Merry Christmas, Reffie!

  13. I have to turn 52? Fuck! Is there no end to this depressing aging?

  14. MikeWJ: Not only that, you'll also have to turn 53 a mere 365 days after you turn 52! Fortunately for me, while you're turning 53, I'll be 27 and disgustingly young.



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