Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The One In Which I Tell The Truth

The other day I did something completely un-Zivalike. I told six outrageous lies and one outrageous truth. Usually I never tell the truth so this was a very important day for me. A milestone, even. From now on, I am determined to tell at least one truth every single day. Onward, I am here today to finally put you out of your misery and tell you which ones were lies and which one was the golden truth.

1. In the 80’s my parents were millionaires, having invested in Nokia many years ago, but lost most of their fortune in a bad game of poker. Daddy played and lost and mom had to spend the night with an Arabian Sheik. 9 months later I was born.

False. My dad and I share enough DNA to feed a small horse. Also, I don’t think he’s ever played poker, and if he has, he certainly has never lost.

2. Then mom and dad gave me away and I was actually raised by a pack of wolves. They taught me excellent surviving skills. Ask me anything about how to kill a hare.

False. Sadly, I was not raised by wolves. But mom and dad did a great job with me anyway. Ask me anything about how to kill a hare.

3. I’m pregnant!

False. I just threw this in here to confuse you. I’m sneaky like that.

4. Chuck Norris comes to me for hair care advice, that’s how awesome my hair is. I’ll tell you what I always tell him; lather, rinse, repeat and occasionally stick a fork into the toaster for extra volume.

False. Chuck Norris doesn’t come to me for any advice at all. But if he did, I would tell him that a knife works way better than a fork, contrary to popular belief.

5. Due to my time in the wolf pack, I have a very close relationship with all animals. Sometimes I even feed moose and deer straight from the barbecue. They love my teriyaki-marinated steak.

False. The moose that came to my barbecue party didn’t eat my steaks; it just looked at them for a while and then left again. Talk about bad manners.

6. I’m extremely intelligent. I once participated in a game show on TV and got to answer very interesting questions about flounders and Norse Gods. I won the entire thing, winning a book with 1001 jokes and a gift card to an electric shop. With the gift card I bought a lamp in the shape of a desk.

True. Well, the extremely intelligent part might have been a bit of a stretch, moderately intelligent would probably be closer to the truth, but the rest of the statement was true. At the ripe age of 11, I participated in a TV game show for kids. The grand prize was a book with 1001 jokes and a gift card to the local electric shop. The lamp that I bought might have been the ugliest thing ever made, but sadly, I can’t find a picture of it. I left it at home when I moved away and when mom and dad erased every memory of me from their home remade my bedroom, the lamp mysteriously disappeared.

7. Ever since M and I started dating, I have told him I need Sundays to myself for my goat sacrifice and naked moonlight dancing. He doesn’t know this, but I just tell him that because I am horribly embarrassed about telling him the truth. Actually, I spend Sundays knitting and crocheting with my Grandma. I’m so embarrassed.

False. I once tried knitting a pair of gloves and one of the gloves ended up with four fingers while the other one had six fingers. I’m better with goat sacrifice and naked moonlight dancing.

And it seems like we have a winner. Actually two people were smart enough to guess correctly, Mike and Mrsblogalot, but we can only have one winner and Mike was the first one to say it was #6. And because I felt kind of bad about giving him absolutely nothing, I had Zelma make me this fabulous award. It’s a very special award, and Mike will quite possibly be the only person ever to receive it. Therefore, I recommend Mike to take it, hide it and forget all about where you hid it. That is the only way people won’t storm your blog, trying to get one for themselves.


The Flaming Flamingo

Cherish it, Mike. It’s all yours. *


  1. Hallooo? Anybody home? The monkeys let me out for an hour so I thought I'd stop by. Nice place you've got here. I've seen your comments on my blog for some time and thought I'd better get over here to see what your all about. An award-winning blogger, eh? Whoo, little did I know. I'm adding you to my blogroll. Thanks for thinking enough of my blag to add it to yours. Congrats on your awards. And as Arnie used to say, "I'll be back".

  2. I am so excited for Mike and so jealous. Chuck really never came to you! Dang! You had me fooled Ziva! And that's not easy to do (as you know). I knew you were brilliant and gifted, but not to this amazing degree! 1001 jokes! Dang Girl!

  3. Ha ha ha! Love the "Flaming Flamingo".

    I was a little suspect about #3, but #6 kinda threw me too. I know you are very intelligent (never sell yourself short, penguin ;-) but an "electric shop" to me usually means Radio Shack or the hardware store.

  4. nonamedufus - I'm so happy you found your way over here! And thank you dufus (I don't really think you're a dufus, but noname isn't much of a first name, really), your blog definitely deserves its place on my blogroll. Hopefully the monkeys will let you out again soon.

    Linda - I know, right? Who wouldn't want 1001 jokes? I'd offer to share them with you, but they're all in Swedish.

    00dozo - Well this electric shop sold wires and cables and lightbulbs and stuff and was called "name of town electrics". It wasn't a very fancy TV show. But hey, at least I got a butt ugly lamp out of it, even though it didn't bring fame and fortune.

  5. Hey, no prize for guessing #3? What's up with that??? I mean, even if it's not true NOW, it will be eventually...doesn't that count? And how about picking the most awesome name ever for when #3 does come true?

    You realize I'm just jealous, right? Mike is so going to gloat about this. He'll be all "I got an original, one-of-a-kind, Ziva award." and I'll be all "I don't care" and he'll be all "Uh huh, sure you don't" and I'll be all "Yeah, well, you suck *things I can't say on Ziva's blog*" and he'll be all "Maybe, but I've got Ziva's award and you don't" and I'll be all "Yeah well maybe you should just get your own stupid blog for your own stupid award so you can write about how stupid you are" and he'll be all "Maybe I should" and I'll be all "Then just do that" and he'll be all "Fine" and I'll be all "Fine". And that will be the end of WWFC and a 25-yr+ friendship.

    Way to break up the band Yoko!

  6. I knew it!!!!! I knew it!!!

    Damn! ...I mean, congratulations Mike


  7. I love the flaming flamingo!

    What? You're NOT pregnant???

    Sheesh. I was looking forward to photos of the sonograms and a day-to-day report of glorious pre-mommy hurling.


  8. Yay me! Thanks, Ziva! Even though Nicky's a little jealous now, she'll get over it. Besides, she'll still get to enjoy it on our blog, even if it serves as a constant reminder that I won it. And that it's mine.

  9. Mike, quit rubbing it in. Nicky, just calm down Honey. Mike will stop because deep inside, he's afraid of the wrath of Nicky!

  10. Nicky, love, next time I'm giving away an award, I'll cheat and give it to you no matter who guessed right, how about that? Then you can go to Mike and be all "Ziva loves me more" and he'll be all "I don't care" and you'll be all "Uh huh, sure you don't" and he'll be all "Yeah, well, you suck monster moose cocks" and you'll be all "Maybe, but Ziva gave me this award because she loves me and not because I guessed correctly on some stupid lies and truths" and he'll be all "Yeah well maybe you should just get your own stupid blog for your own stupid award so you can write about how stupid you are" and you'll be all "Maybe I should" and he'll be all "Then just do that" and you'll be all "Fine" and he'll be all "Fine". And that will be the end of WWFC again.

    I hate being Yoko.

    Mrsblogalot - Yep, you knew it! It's a shame there can only be one winner, don't you think? I'm pretty sure everyone would want to have that gorgeous Flaming Flamingo to display on their blog. Or maybe as their new wallpaper.

    ReformingGeek - The Flaming Flamingo is my new best friend. I sleep with it very night.

    Mike - Congrats again! But how you ever guessed that the one starting with "I'm extremely intelligent" would be correct, I have no idea.

    Nicky - Put down the axe and step away from Mike.

    Linda - I think we're all a little scared of the wrath of Nicky. A little scared and a little turned on.

  11. Yeah, I'm bad. You know it.

    Hyvää syntymäpäivää, Lemmikki! Even if it's a little late ♥♥♥

  12. Nicky - Aww, thank you sweetie. Better late than a flamingo, I've always said.

  13. Love the Flaming Flamingo. As far as your glove knitting abilities, at least it all balanced out. I was sad to learn that you weren't raised by a pack of wolves. It would have been cool, as long as you weren't listed on the menu as an entrée for every dinner service.

  14. Lauren - I think the Flaming Flamingo might be the best thing since, well, ever. If I would have been raised by a pack of wolves I actually don't think I would have minded being the entrée on a menu, as long as it were a very exclusive restaurant and people had to pay a lot of money to eat me. I would have been the culinary equivalent of a high-priced escort. What's better than that?

  15. Oh, hi, everybody. I thought this was a narcotics anonymous meeting. Am I in the right place? It seems weird enough, but still....

  16. MikeWJ - You're back! I think you might be in the wrong place, though, this is not a narcotics anonymous meeting. We don't have a problem with drugs. Unless they run out, of course, in which case we'll just have to go get some more.

  17. The best place to get drugs is at an NA meeting. Either they're trying to kick their addictions and giving them away, or they're spiralling down again and encouraging you to join the party. It's a win-win scenario!

  18. By the way, I love how you picked a Volvo for your Flaming Flamingo award. It's geographically appropriate, and it's really fun to see a Volvo with a hot pink paint job and flames.

  19. MikeWJ - I've fallen in love with my Flaming Flamingo. The Volvo is just perfect, all pink and on fire. I figured since I didn't win that blog make-over way back when and subsequently couldn't have my inferno of burning cars all over my blog, I'd just put it in an award instead. I bet you're just dying to win one, aren't you?



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