Did you know the latest spam craze is colon cleansing? I didn’t either until I ventured into my spam folder today. See, I’ve noticed lately that the jerks sending out spam are becoming increasingly creative. It used to be you’d know instantly when something was spam and you didn’t even feel slightly tempted to open up it up. Subject lines like “Enlarge your penis!” come to mind. Firstly, I don’t have a penis, so with a subject line like this, you’re immediately alienating 50% of readers. I’m sad to say that the other 50% are actually very likely to open up emails like this. I wish those people would realize that by sucking/pumping more volume into their manly parts, they have to take that volume from somewhere and that somewhere will always and forever be their brains.
Another one is the ever faithful “Medication you need” subject line. This is particularly disturbing because it implies that 99% of people need medication of some sort. Mostly they offer little pills to make you look skinny and feel good about yourself. I’m not sure if you’re supposed to actually take the pills or just throw them at really skinny people. That would certainly make me feel better about myself.
And here’s a favourite of mine: “Fuck her like a stud.” Nothing good could ever come out of that one. Ever. I’m just saying.
Most of these spam emails are sent from an account owned by a person with a Spanish name. Mostly when I see that Pablo or Manuel has sent me an email, I just delete it right away. Now, this is easy cause I live in a place where people named Manuel would stand out. But tell me it wouldn’t suck to live in Spain or Mexico? You’d never know if all those enlarge-your-penis emails were spam or if your friends were trying to tell you something.
But this was good old spam, with good old subject lines. They were straight to the point and targeted a specific audience, mostly impotent men and gullible women. I like to think I’m neither of those, so I was safe. Until now. I’ve been receiving a new form of spam and I hate to admit this, but they’re good…
I got a spam the other day with the subject line “I will wait.” And I have to say, this made me curious. You will wait for what? The apocalypse? A little blue pill to help you with that erectile dysfunction? The bus? The possibilities were endless.
The email was sent by Ron Acevedo, and frankly, I was just dying to know what Ron would wait for. I went against every unwritten rule there is and opened the email. Turns out Ron was lying and he was in fact a she. A she named Anna. Anna was from Russia and clearly in love with me. She was searching for the love of her life and realized that I might be a little surprised to hear from her like this (which I totally was since I hadn’t planned on indulging in a Russian mail order bride until after I had finished university), but she was looking for “a dating in Internet”. Personally I can’t find the “dating” in “Internet”, but I can find “Inter” and “net”, so I’m assuming the “dating” is hiding somewhere between them.
Anna clearly felt we shared a connection and gave me her personal email address so I could contact her if I felt like it. This made me feel incredibly honoured, it’s not easy to trust over the Internet, with or without dating, and here she was, giving me her personal email address. She had also attached a picture of herself, but at that point I had fallen in love with Anna and couldn’t bear to destroy that connection by looking at my bride before the wedding, so I didn’t open the picture.
Sadly, while answering Anna on her personal email, tragedy struck. I accidentally deleted her email address, I also deleted the email she sent me via Ron, and even managed to empty the trash folder permanently before realizing what I had done. Needless to say, I was devastated.
Anna, if you’re out there, please contact me again. I will wait. *