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Monday, February 17, 2014

30 Minus 2 Days of Writing III: I Faked It

“Scalpel.”

I stared at Dr. W, then looked at the huge cabinet filled with various surgical implements, neatly packed individually in sterile packages.

“Uh huh. Scalpel. Coming right up.”

Tentatively, I reached for something that looked sharp enough to cut through skin.

“Nope. Not that one.”

I reached for another one.

“Not that one either.”

“Remind me again why you thought this was a good idea?”

“Oh, don’t worry, you’re doing great, just grab the one at the end there. Now give it to me.”

“If you at any point during this tell me to wipe your forehead, I’m sticking the scalpel in you.”

It started like any other Monday. I got to work at 7:45 am, turned on the computer, and greeted Dr. W. In retrospect, I think that’s where things went wrong. By 8:05, I was assisting Dr. W while he was cutting a woman open.

Well, cutting her open might have been a bit of an exaggeration. But he did cut away a huge mole right in the middle of her chest while I was busy not contaminating any of the instruments he had me put out and trying to ignore the fact that I normally faint just when having my blood drawn.

To my own amazement, my hand holding out a plastic jar for the severed mole was as steady as ever, and when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I looked positively excited. Maybe I missed my calling.

But I digress. Back to the beginning. So there I was, pulling out scalpels and scissors and suture kits and alcohol, some of it for cleaning the area, some of it not so much. The poor woman on the table was staring at me, wide-eyed, as if she somehow suspected I had no clue about what I was doing.

I didn’t, of course, but she didn’t need to know that. So for the next 20 minutes, I did what anyone would have done when confronted with hysterical patients, rogue moles and irresponsible doctors with scalpels.

I faked it. And I did it well.

I love my job.

This post was written for Nicky and Mike's 30 Minus 2 Days of Writing III. To see the other posts, please visit We Work For Cheese. *
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26 comments:

  1. Ziva? A faker? I am so disappointed.

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  2. And you faked it very well indeed. I would never have known, but then again I probably wouldn't have opened my eyes.

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  3. The one thing you never have to fake is your ability to spin a good yarn. :)

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  4. You do realise that I must now question every glance, every exchange, every Skype... naw, never mind. Nobody's that good at faking it. :-)

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  5. Gorgeous, I've never had to fake it with you.

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  6. Mostly everything I say is some version of the truth.

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  7. I love it when you say "mostly everything I say is some version of the truth." That's the best line I've ever heard.

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  8. I hope you faked this story and it is not true. Is it? I would be a nervous wreck. I once had several moles removed and when I was leaving the room, I glanced back and saw the moles on the table and passed out. I surprised myself. You did much better!

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  9. I thought for sure you were going to be cutting a mole out of a dead person.

    Nice job!

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  10. HOLY SHIT!!! Those were the first words that came to mind. What a talented writer you are... with no faking! AHHHHHHH it made my skin crawl!

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  11. So um..where do you work again? ... No, I'm just curious...I mean, what's the address? *grabs phone and dials emergency services*

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  12. I'm so not good in those situations at all. I would have either passed out, or laughed hysterically.

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  13. Hah! Rings true, doesn't it? ;)

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  14. It is very much true, Malisa. I totally surprised myself by not passing out.

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  15. We almost never perform cosmetic surgery on dead people.

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  16. Haha, I guess it's a good thing I didn't take a photo. ;)

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  17. Hah, I'm so not telling you now!

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  18. Neither of which would be entirely appropriate.

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  19. mikewjattoomanymorningsFebruary 24, 2014 at 11:32 AM

    I would've either thrown up or passed out. Or accidentally amputated something and driven the hospital into bankruptcy.

    *respect*

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  20. Knowing you, you would've probably amputated a body part of your own. Stay out of the operating room, okay?

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  21. Hah! I guess I shouldn't bring you in on the next one, then. ;)

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  22. Glad you didn't faint while holding that scalpel!

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