Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Things I Learned Today: Midgets make funny noises when they have sex

I’m not nearly as addicted to the internet and to my computer as I would like to be. If I were properly addicted I would get stuff done. I would respond to emails on time, I would update my blog, I would read other people’s blogs and I would never ignore the internet for days on end resulting in the situation we have here: blog neglect. It’s a fairly common problem amongst non-addicted people. In some cases it may manifest itself as a general lack of new posts. In other cases it may result in posting the very same blog post day after day, with minimal or no alterations.

I’m going to blame my latest period of absence on my lack of addiction, because I can’t really blame it on boredom. On Saturday M and I went to a wedding, danced very badly, drank too little wine and talked to almost no one. It was a beautiful wedding and the pouring rain didn’t really bother anyone. Neither did the freezing temperatures of 32 degrees once the rain stopped. It sure didn’t bother me, even though I was standing outside in a short skirt and nylons, because my legs are extremely weather resistant. Well, at least they are now after the amputation due to frost bite, and subsequent prosthetics.

As if the wedding wasn’t fun enough to last us an entire month, M and I went to see Pablo Francisco tonight. It was a fun show, even though he was clearly traumatized to be in Finland where it apparently is “so cold he can’t get an erection.” I dunno about that; Finnish men do just fine. But Pablo taught me many things tonight. Like for instance, cock blocking is not cool. Especially not if you’re doing it to yourself by buying a Smart Car. Also? It’s totally fine to say “nigger”. You heard it from me first. *


  1. I'm glad the weather didn't ruin your fun. Really, though, I find the only thing that can ever really ruin a wedding is a pink top. There's always that one person wearing a pink top and spoiling it for everyone else...

  2. I'm glad it was you attending that wedding and not me.

    Oh dears. We can't say *that* word over here. We are much too prim and proper.

    Yeah, right. It's all a bit puritanistic for me.

  3. I could have told you that for free.

  4. Luckily the weather didn't ruin things for everyone!

  5. Nicky: Dammit, I knew the pink top was a bad idea!

    Reffie: I'm glad it was me attending that wedding too. I would really hate for you to lose your legs. Nigger.

    Moooooog: I should have known you'd have first hand experience. We are talking about the midgets having sex thing, right?

    Meleah: The bride actually didn't seem to mind the weather at all, she's weird like that.

  6. "In some cases it may manifest itself as a general lack of new posts. In other cases it may result in posting the very same blog post day after day, with minimal or no alterations."

    What kind of an idiot would do that?

    Anyway, I have no idea what cock blocking is, but it does sound unpleasant. And I would think cold weather would encourage snuggling, which, when performed with a man, often encourages erections rather than discouraging them. That's why I never hug any of my guy friends anymore. And why my friends who are girls don't hug me. Or the dog.

    Oh, and speaking of midgets who make funny noises, did I hear the phrase "short skirt and nylons?" I'm going to Google that now and see what comes up.

  7. P.S. -- It's 11 hours since my previous comment. Warning: Don't Google "short skirt and nylons" unless you want to develop a serious Internet addiction.

  8. MikeWJ: Aw, I would hug you. And the dog. Especially the dog. And I think we all know what kind of idiot would do that, Mike. Cock blocking yourself is pretty much exactly what you've done when you decided having 27 kids was a good idea.

  9. I think I'm going to have to Google cock blocking. Unfortunately, I'm afraid it will lead to yet another Internet addiction, similar to the one brought on by Googling "short skirt and nylons."

    And thank you for being willing to hug me, Ziva. Your courage is admirable, if misguided and self-destructive.

  10. You never know when bionic body parts will come in handy.

    It's friggin cold in Finland. I say that while slip-sliding my way through the humidity on the east coast of the U.S. My husband just said that it feels like Florida downstairs. I guess I'll be driving on sidewalks soon.

  11. I am glad I didn't attend the wedding with you guys. It sounds too cold and wet. But I know you were charming even cold and wet in the short skirt and nylons and pink top. I love you in that pink top! What is Nicky thinking?

    It's never too cold to get an erection. It may be too hot though. Never mind cock blocking. It's a bore.

  12. Ziva, Midgets don't like to be called midgets. They like to be called little people.

  13. MikeWJ: Misguided and self-destructive, that's me!

    Lauren: Yep, you can never have too many bionic body parts, that's always been my motto. I think I might prefer cold to the humidity, but having never experienced humidity I can't really be sure.

    Linda: It was too cold and wet for me too. Not that I couldn't have gotten an erection anyway had I wanted to. Or had I been a man. But I'm happy we went, it was a beautiful wedding.

    Midget, dwarf, pygmy, little person... I can never get it right.

  14. I can always get one too, Honey. I like that about us.

    Little people is the best term at all for little people. I like little people. But you never said what kind of noises they make.

  15. Something tells me Moooooog's explanation might've come up short.

  16. Linda: Oh they make the usual sex noises, you know: quack like a duck, squeal like a pig, but they sound like they've swallowed a helium balloon while they're doing it.

    nonamedufus: Hehehe, something tells me you're not only talking about his explanation.



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