I have a past.
And his name is The Ex.
The Ex and I were a couple for five years, and were engaged for two of those years. Roughly. I can’t be bothered to get up and check the engraving in my old engagement ring for the exact date, but it might have been the first and the last year. Or a couple in the middle. The Ex is a great guy, he’s a little like one of those puppies you take home from the animal shelter and then you realize that it’s going to grow and shed hair and pee everywhere and probably eat your favorite pair of leopard heels. Except The Ex didn’t actually pee everywhere. And he didn’t really shed any hair. And he didn’t actually eat my shoes, even though he had the appetite of a much larger dog. But it was a metaphor anyway, so it doesn’t really matter what he ate.
The Ex and I grew apart and separated about two years ago. We’re still friends and occasionally I’ll invite him over for coffee and he’ll try to teach me to drink that vile stuff and tell me that it’s impossible to be a grown up and not drink coffee. Well call me Peter Pan because I ain’t drinking it. Yuck.
The reason I’m telling you about The Ex today, though, is not because he apparently has some canine in his cocktail, but because he has read my blog about Vappen and the hats with pom-poms and wanted to show me what his pom-pom looks like. This is not as dirty as it sounds. The Ex’s pom-pom looks like this,
His pom-pom has been thoroughly soaked in some alcoholic beverage or other, just like I wanted to do with M’s pom-pom! The Ex’s pom-pom can actually stand up on its own. Now if that isn’t an academic achievement I don’t know what is. *
Some dogs just can't learn tricks.
ReplyDeleteSigh.
;-)
You have a past? And an Ex?!
ReplyDeleteThe next thing you know, you'll be telling me that M's name is really S, and you don't really have cookies. Gasp! I need to know, are you really green? For the love of cheese, woman, HOW MANY ARMS DO YOU HAVE?!
It's like I never really knew you.
BTW, you live on the edge when you joke about the destruction of leopard shoes. Not to mention when you compare an Ex's erect pom-pom to what you wanted to do to Current's pom-pom if he would have let you. Very dangerous, indeed.
Danger is soooo hot.
My pom poms haven't stood up by themselves in years.
ReplyDeleteHey, My past. My dream.
This post gave me the strangest dream....
ReplyDeleteReformingGeek - I know, right? He would never agree to play dead when we had company over. That was totally the deal breaker.
ReplyDeleteNicky - I don't know how to tell you this and I feel awful, especially now that I first dropped the bomb about the Ex and am now going to tell you something that will probably scare you away for all eternity. Which would really suck, because you're the only person I know who thinks that talking about pom-poms dipped in champagne is hot, and I really need a friend like that in my life. Anyway, I hope this doesn't change anything, and just keep in mind that there will be more. That said,
I ate the last cookie yesterday.
Mrsblogalot - We're not talking about pom-poms anymore, are we?
MikeWJ - I'm so sorry, I just read about your dream, and I think Nicky, Frank and I might have broken you. You should really see someone about that. Also, how weird is it that you totally knew the street names in Turku? Must have been from that time when you were an undercover spy, living in Finland, huh?
Again, Ziva, and I think that as ex-Mossad yourself (with awesome hair) you'd understand this, I can't discuss my previous career. If it is my previous career, and not my current career. Let's just say that I have eyes everywhere, and that I know more than I let on, and that Finland is a country that's on my list. Seriously, though, visit the Three Beans Coffee Shop and see if my description of it doesn't make you wonder what I really know.....
ReplyDeleteI'm so lost I'm expecting Kate and Sawyer to show up.
ReplyDeleteAll of my ex-es have big alcohol soaked pompoms! But they never send me photos of them! I'm concerned. (But not sure if I'm concerned for you or for me.)
ReplyDeleteMoooooog -- don't worry until the smoke creature shows up. That's the scary one. Sawyer's manageable, and Kate's....well, let's just Kate's fine. I wonder how she feels about pom-poms, pun intended?
ReplyDeleteZiva, trust is a fragile thing. It will take time and many cookies to reestablish the trust in our relationship. But I think it can be done. Did I mention LOTS of cookies?
ReplyDeleteAlso, I don't want to scare you but I think the W in MikeWJ actually stands for Widmore. Be very, very careful.
Some dogs are rabid and foam at the mouth. Sounds like your ex was infected. Only alcohol soaked pom-poms can help the afflicted.
ReplyDeleteI am amazingly hunky, especially when my shirtless, well-muscled, deep-brown skin glistens in the moonlight because I've worked up a sweat keeping my....Well, you get the idea.
ReplyDeleteI wonder how Ziva's doing, anyway? She's going to be soooooo surprised when she finally returns and sees what we've done with the place.
ReplyDeleteIt is kind of like a virtual episode of "While You Were Out", isn't it?. So, under that bony white frame lies a hunky, tanned muscle-machine, hmmm? Please feel free to continue....
ReplyDeleteJeez, people, can’t I leave you alone for a single day without everyone going crazy and taking over my blog? I can understand wanting to comment and have fun, but did you really have to take a crayon to my wallpaper? And dammit, Mike, get down from the chandelier.
ReplyDeleteMikeWJ – You scare me sometimes. There actually is a Three Beans Coffee House on Humalistonkatu. You’re in Finland, aren’t you? And you’re probably looking in through our apartment window as well, aren’t you? I swear, that thing we did last night, we don’t usually do that. Honestly, we don't.
ReplyDeleteMoooooog – Don’t worry, we’re all lost in this infinite space we call time, floating through the air as itty bitty algorithms of zeros and ones, occasionally stopping to have a Snickers and tie our shoelaces. Just go with it, and mind the threshold.
Linda – You should probably ask for photos, how are you otherwise going to keep track of everyone’s pom-poms?
MikeWJ – Don’t be silly, everyone likes pom-poms. Especially Kate.
Nicky – LOTS of cookies… Check. I’ll get right on it. And maybe some cheese with the cookies?
Also, I think the J in Mike’s name stands for Joke, so I wouldn’t be too worried about him.
Lauren – Hmm… I wouldn’t exactly say the Ex was rabid, but he did foam at the mouth whenever he wanted beer… Must be why he liked that alcohol soaked pom-pom so much.
MikeWJ – I’m really struggling to get the idea.. Want to enlighten me?
Nicky – Don’t you find it weird that sometimes Mike says he’s all skin and bones, heavy on the bones, other times his a tanned hunk of muscle, and sometimes he even lets us believe he’s got a huge.. head.. It’s very suspicious if you ask me.
Ziva, all of what you are saying about Mike is true. The girl at the picnic told me and even showed me pictures. His head is enormous.
ReplyDeleteZiva, what is it about you and your blog that makes so many people misbehave so badly? I'm just asking...
ReplyDeleteSorry about the chandelier, Ziva. I'll have the agency get you a new one, although I am license to chandelier.
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you for confirming the truth of my story, Linda. You're a stand-up girl, if you get my drift. To answer your question, I think people get a little randy on Ziva's blog because she's European, and we all know how Europeans are: just big balls of sex hormones with hairy legs and armpits.
Ziva, which idea are you struggling with? And, yes, I'm in Finland, for the moment. And, yes, I'm well aware of the Three Beans Coffee House, and that the owner runs it by herself and that the mochas are her specialty, especially the one with almond rocha.
And, don't try to lie to us. What you and M did last night--which I must say is impressive for both its duration and the flexibility required--wasn't your first time, and I've got the footage to prove it. By footage, I mean film, although....well, again, nevermind.
P.S. -- This is the most confusing comment thread in history, and I love it. It's spread out over at least three blogs now. If we can only expand on this concept, we'll rule the world!
ReplyDeleteI knew it! I knew that under MikeWJ's bony frame lies...well, a hunky tanned bod...but under THAT lies an evil plot to take over the world through blog domination! That's actually kinda hot, Mike.
ReplyDeleteUm, speaking of hot, since I gave you prison porn, would you consider sharing that footage, film, whatever? I'm pretty sure Ziva meant for me to see it anyway...
Linda - I have no idea why everyone goes nuts when they come here. Must be the cookies. It's a special Dutch recipe.
ReplyDeleteMikeWJ - I resent the remark about hairy legs and armpits. M shaves almost every day. I think shaving is essential to ruling the world, actually. Shaving, and commenting, I'm sure that's all Obama ever does. And looks hunky and tanned, of course, which Mike has down pat.
Nicky - Of course I meant for you to see the footage. In fact, I even thought about you while we were doing it.
Wait... we are talking about making cookies now, right?
Dutch recipe. Good one. Here's the stereotypical American view of Europeans: They're sex crazed, they rarely work, and they don't shave. Except for the Dutch, who are all of the above, but also stoned and living on the government dole while they try to keep their little island from sinking into the sea.
ReplyDeleteZiva, if making cookies is a weird Finnish euphamism for making cookies, than YES! That's exactly what I was talking about.
ReplyDeleteBTW, had to laugh, the word verification code for the last comment I posted was "comers".
Wait a second. I just re-read the comments and realized for the first time that Nicky thinks my plan to dominate the world via blogs is kinda hot.
ReplyDeleteI've still got it! Even faced with stiff competition from a three-armed green woman, pardon the inadvertent pun.
Also, I just wanted to say that I love this line: "Ziva, if making cookies is a weird Finnish euphamism for making cookies, then YES!" That's funny, and I wish I'd thought of it. I'll steal it, of course, but I'll know it wasn't original and I'll feel bad about it.
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ReplyDeleteMikeWJ - I have a feeling that the Dutch are really happy people most of the time. Just imagine, never having to worry about shaving or working, always thinking about sex and just going out for a special brownie whenever reality comes knocking. Does it get better than that?
ReplyDeleteNicky - It's probably Mike who's manipulating the word verification thingy. It's all a part of this evil scheme to rule the world. Next thing you know, it will be saying suggestive things to you, asking you to take off the purple condom, or something. Just be careful, Nicky.
Mike, what can I tell you, I have a thing for domination. Read into that what you will! And you can use that line as much as you like, guilt free!
ReplyDeleteZiva, love, I have no doubt that Mike's skeletal hand was involved! No worries, though, beneath my purple condom dress is another purple condom dress. After all, you can never be two safe (hahahaha!)
Nicky - You crack me up! Now, about that domination thing...
ReplyDelete