Working this week has proven exhausting. It turns out that when you spend a month doing nothing but sleep all day and stay up all night, your body doesn’t like it when you suddenly get up before 6 am. M, on the other hand, is loving it. The cutie gets to stay in the warm fluffy bed while I get dressed and have breakfast and then the idiot gets to look all tired and drowsy when I kiss him goodbye and then the bastard gets to lie there another hour or so until his alarm goes off, and then the motherf****er gets to turn the alarm off and sleep some more until his conscience tells him it’s time to get up.
Oh well. Work has been okay so far. The computer I work on has a keyboard with the most stubborn keys ever. They’re pretty much stuck in the non-writing position and it is only with great strength and determination that you can press them down to type. Since most of what I do at work is type up dictations by the doctors, I find this very amusing. By the end of the week my fingers will be so big I can’t type without hitting seven keys at once.
Working at a hospital I’ve come to hear and see a lot of things I didn’t need to know:
“The wart is just getting bigger and bigger!”
A lot of things I didn’t want to know:
“I’m here for the enema.”
A lot of things that I definitely didn’t ask to know:
“I need more erectile dysfunction pills.”
But yesterday I saw the weirdest thing yet. Normally when a patient is coming in to see a doctor, we type in a little comment on the computer about their condition. For example, it could say: “pain in the abdomen” or “can’t hear worth shit” or “thinks she’s a chicken”.
But never, ever, have I seen what I saw yesterday. A patient was coming in to see a doctor, and the comment read: Neon yellow hands. I can just picture that phone call.
“Hi, I’d like to see a doctor.”
“Yes, what’s this about?”
“Um.. I have neon yellow hands."
“Say what? You like to yell over ants?”
“My hands. They’re neon yellow.”
“Oh. Right. And how long have they been like that?”
“I noticed it last night.” (Probably because he couldn’t sleep due to the bright neon yellow light emanating from his hands.)
“And you’re sure they’re neon yellow? Couldn’t be more of a mustard color…? Or a lemony yellow?”
“Right. I’ll check to see if Dr. Seuss is available for you.”
Oh what I would have done to be a fly on the wall during that doctor’s visit. *